One Year Later
by Latenightmom
Summary: One year from Will's death is a difficult day for Alicia. It ends with a very honest and candid conversation between she and Diane. Diane gives her a thumb-drive that contains a journal Will had kept over the five years since Alicia joined the firm. Alicia will now know Will's side of the story, including what he thought the day before he died. This might help heal her open wounds.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Diane had been standing at a distance for a few minutes watching Alicia. She thought she would be the only who would come visit the gravesite this early in the morning. Kurt was out of town, and it seemed like the thing to do before she headed off to the office on the one year anniversary of Will's passing. She hadn't expected to find Alicia. Despite the date, Alicia had an important trial she was finishing up today and would likely win.

She would have made herself known, but something stopped her. There was something about seeing Alicia there that caused her to pause. Alicia looked so, she didn't know what. In a way she didn't want to disturb Alicia's thoughts. She figured Alicia was probably thinking about Will. She and Alicia had become quite close over the past year. Even more so the past six months since she had joined Alicia's firm. Her thoughts turned to the past year as she continued to watch Alicia.

_Alicia and Cary's firm_. She chuckled to herself. _Boy if anyone would have told me seven years ago that the women who had shown up at SLG late for her first staff meeting on her first day of work. A person who as I stated and truly believed was an "entitled" junior associate who didn't think she was a junior associate would be such a close friend now, I would have laughed in their face. I've come to really respect her despite the fact that she and Cary being fired had cost me my chance at becoming a judge. I hadn't wanted to vote Alicia out. I didn't think that Will would react the way he did. I was just trying to protect the firm by voting with everyone else. But I didn't like how it was "handled"._

Like she told Alicia after he died, he was running fast on a lot of fronts. Not to mention Will had been upset with her just a few weeks before he found out about Alicia. His whole reaction made sense. Both of the women he probably cared most about in the world, other than his mother and sisters, were both leaving him to run the firm on his own.

She knew how he had felt about Alicia, and she knew that was part of why he reacted the way he did. She knew even more so after going through work files on his laptop after he died. She had found a file titled Ms. Georgetown. After opening it she realized it was a journal he had written about him and Alicia. She had saved it to a thumb drive and deleted it off his computer. She didn't know if there would ever be a good time to give it to Alicia, or if it would ever be read. The whole "bad timing" thing seemed to still linger even with him gone, but she kept it just in case.

She just wished Will and Alicia had been able to mend the fences a bit more before he died. She knew Alicia felt guilty. She told Alicia one year ago that she couldn't blame herself, but she knew Alicia had never really put the guilt to rest. They had never talked about it after that day. Ever since whenever they had discussed Will they kept it to happy memories. But it always seemed like Alicia wanted to say more, wanted to ask more, wanted someone to tell her it was alright.

She had seen Alicia improve overtime. After Alicia had been "sick" for a few days after the funeral they had to go up against each other in court. At that point it seemed like Alicia had started to breathe again. She started fighting for her clients again, Alicia had seemed to be happier over the next months, and now she figured Alicia had probably put most of it to rest. But standing there watching her now she looked like she was about to break. Yes that was it. She could finally put a word to it, broken. Maybe Alicia had not put as much of it to rest as everyone had thought. At that moment it seemed as though touching Alicia would cause her to dissolve and slip away in the wind. Diane decided to hold back a bit longer.

Alicia pulled her coat more tightly around her to keep the cold breeze out. She had just had one of the longest nights of her life, _again_. There had only been two other nights she could recall that had been so long, so draining, and so maddening compared to this. The first night had been nearly seven years earlier. The night she had sat in her home in Highland Park for hours watching the news of Peter's scandal. That, after she'd finally consoled and comforted Zach and Grace enough to get them to sleep.

The second had been four and a half years ago on the night of the States Attorney's election. Peter had slept with her best friend. She again spent hours packing up his things and finding an apartment for him.

Now the third longest night. This one had been even longer than the one she had exactly one year ago.

_How could he? What was he thinking? __There's no turning back, and no way to hide this for long. Peter has really done it this time. _She thought to herself.

Peter had come to the apartment to "explain" with Eli. They had to start the damage control.

_Eli, the one constant over the past six years._ She thought again.

She and Peter had argued and yelled at one another for what seemed like an eternity. Eli had finally gone after an hour. Peter had stayed for another. But then he had left. Left her alone to stir and cry, and not sleep the whole night.

_Deep in thought she didn't notice the eyes that continued to watch her a small distance away. __How long before the press will be on the doorstep at home and at work?_ _The phone will be ringing off the hook_. _Instead of getting the "Hey, isn't she the Governors wife?" look, I'll be getting the same looks I got seven years ago. The, "How could you_ stay with him?" _looks. There will be the quieted whispers as I pass people at work, and everywhere else. __He is the Governor, what was he thinking? How will I tell the kids, again? How will this affect the firm? How could he do this to Cary, and Diane? He knows this will affect them too?_

_To top it all of this has been one long year. A whole year… My whole world was flipped upside down when Will... I hadn't realized until then how much I loved you. I hadn't let myself acknowledge it before then. But I did, I think I always loved you. I still do. I've never said the words out loud, and I probably never will. I thought I had moved on over the year. It wasn't easy. Life seemed to spin for months not making a whole lot of sense or progress. But I made it through. I thought I had finally found some peace with Will being dead, but not now. Now I'm angry. I'm angry at Peter. I'm angry for not savoring and appreciating all the moments with Will, all the looks, all the..._

She looked up hearing footsteps nearing. As soon as she saw Diane her whole countenance changed.The downtrodden person Diane had just seen had snapped right back into the confident one everyone knew_. _

_She's gotten even better at hiding everything including her emotions over the year. _Diane thought just before she spoke. 

"Can you believe it's been a whole year?"

"No," Alicia said, turning her gaze back to his headstone.

"You know Alicia, we should have done this later in the day when it wasn't so cold out!"

"Yes, but we won't have time with the trial against Canning. I think we are going to win this one, finally."

They had been working on this case for five months. It had gone on and on with hours of depositions but to no avail. They ended up going to trial anyway. There had been some discussion as to whether Louis Canning would live to see the end of the trial. His health had gone downhill quickly, but he still put on a pretty good show in the court room. Today they might actually win. And the reward would be great. With any luck it would be one of their biggest wins of the year.

"Will would have loved to have seen Canning go down!" Alicia said.

"He would have! Are you ready?"

Alicia smiled. "You have no idea! Kalinda found one more damaging piece of evidence late last night. It will be the final nail in the..." She paused and they both stood there for a minute staring at the headstone.

"I know we have plans for a toast in his honor this afternoon with everyone, but Alicia, Kurt is out of town. Why don't you come to my place for dinner tonight? It would be nice to spend some time with someone who loved him as much as I did. And quite frankly I'd rather not spend the evening alone thinking about him."

Alicia thought only for a brief moment then turned to with a smile to Diane. "Okay, I accept. Peter is in Springfield, and Grace is still on her school trip to D.C."

She wasn't about to get into discussing the mess with Peter, and she wanted nothing more than a distraction from last night. Deep down she knew she needed to talk to someone, but this was an uneasy feeling because wanting to talk about personal things was not like her. She had perfected over time the "Alicia front". Maybe talking would help her move on. But it needed to be with someone she trusted and respected. Someone she knew would keep her secrets. Someone who could be objective, and know how to respond. Diane might just be the key.

"Good! Come by around seven," Diane said smiling.

"I will. We should probably both get to work." And they both turned and walked back to their cars.


	2. Chapter 2

"Objection your honor, Mr. Canning is testifying." Alicia said exasperated. She'd had enough of his shenanigans, and she knows Kalinda is on her way with the evidence she needs to put this case to rest.

"Sustained, Mr. Canning, you are walking a very fine line here."

"Your honor, I am just trying to show that Mr. Debry has no knowledge as to the whereabouts of the companies missing funds. Mrs. Sabey, the deceased partner to Mr. Debry, was the one moving all of the business funds. And as we can all see through the evidence that has been presented, Mr. Debry's company is going bankrupt. Even if Mrs. Florrick wins this class action suit there won't be anything left to divvy out to her clients. The company is going bankrupt. Your honor, my client is not responsible."

"So just what should our clients tell the IRS then Mr. Canning?" Alicia said with just as much gumption as she used with the past five objections in the past twenty minutes. "That they will happily pay their overdue taxes from the past four years because your clients company stole their hard earned income and didn't pay my clients taxes? Your honor the IRS has given no leeway to our clients. Our clients are not rich. Some of them are small business owners who trusted Mr. Debry's company to take care of their payrolls, and pay their taxes. Someone has to be held accountable."

"What is she doing?" Cary whisperd quietly to Diane who was sitting next to him at the defense table.

"She's winning!"

"Yeah, but this is more than trying to win. She doesn't get fired up like this very often. Do you think it's because of today?"

"No, actually I don't. Alicia always fights hard, but there have been very few times when she gets under the skin of opposing council like this. I think it has to do with the Governor."

"The Governor?" He lookd at her completely confused.

Diane recalled one other time she saw Alicia fight like this. It was the day after the State's Attorney's election. She thought Alicia was all fired up due to her husbands win. But after the next few months played out…. _It all makes sense now. I knew she had separated from Peter, but I figured they had separated a few months after the election. I thought the separation was all because of Will. Another thing I feel guilty about from three and half years ago. Their affair wasn't wrong in retrospect, but it wasn't smart. What could have happened that would make her separate from Peter the night he wins an election? I wonder if she has separated again? Maybe that's why she looked so upset earlier this morning. _

Diane turned to Cary, "I think she may have separated from Peter."

"What? Why?"

"Because the last time I saw Alicia fight like this was three years ago after I think she separated from Peter. And you didn't see her this morning at Will's grave site."

Just then Kalinda walked into the courtroom and handed Alicia a file..

Louis Canning continued. "Your honor, we ask that all charges against Mr. Debry be dropped. There is clearly not enough evidence to prove my client knew about the missing funds."

"Your honor, we have some new evidence that has been brought to our attention we would like to present," Alicia said, as she handed Mr. Canning, and the judge a copy of the forms Kalinda just handed her.

Louis Canning took one look at the papers, and looked up to the judge. "Your honor, we would like to ask for a brief recess to consult with opposing counsel."

"Yes, Mr. Canning I'm sure you would! We will recess until Monday morning assuming we need to after you talk with Mrs. Florrick." The judge hit his gavel, and Canning walked right over to the defense table.

"Thirty five Million," he offered.

"No, Mr. Canning," Alicia says. Diane and Cary look at her as though she's crazy not to accept and are about to over rule her. "Let me refresh your memory of a case we won against you a few years ago. You told me in confidence that you had won. That your clients wanted to get us down to fifty million, and you had talked us down to thirty five."

"Well, this is different." Canning protested.

"No, no it isn't Mr. Canning. We can all see the thirty million dollar sum on that paper in front of you from an offshore bank account. As you can also see it's linked through fifteen different channels and ends up directly in your client's account. I'm willing to bet there is more money in another off shore account somewhere. So we will take fifty million and settle. Or we can have Kalinda spend the weekend finding the other off shore accounts your client likely has, and meet you here Monday morning." Alicia says with that smirky tilt of the head and smile she reserves for clients like Colin Sweeney, and enemies like Canning.

"Okay fifty million, but not a cent more." Canning said resigned.

"Great! It's always a pleasure doing business with you Mr. Canning! Oh, and I will mark that down as another win for us!" Alicia said as she closed the file. Canning gathered his things and left the courtroom. The celebrating began as soon as the door closed behind him.

/

Back at the office, the celebrating continued. After their clients get paid, the sum the firm will take in is huge. Cary walks over to Kalinda. "Hey, nice job finding that evidence!"

"Yeah, does that mean I get a raise Cary?" She says with a smile half jokingly, half not.

"Let me talk to Alicia and Diane!"

Alicia sat on the other side of the conference room enjoying the brief distraction from Peter's mess. Her phone kept vibrating so she finally pulled it out of her bag. She had two text messages from Eli, and one from Peter. Four missed calls two from Peter, two from Eli. She sighed reading the first message from Eli.

_We need to meet. We have to make a plan. _

She let out an audible sigh, which Diane noticed. Then texts Eli back.

_Not today Eli. _

She returned her phone to her purse where she could ignore it at least for a little while.

_Make a plan? Peter should have thought about that before he… The last thing I want to do today is to sit down with Eli and make a plan. I am so tired. I should be, I was up all night. Coffee, maybe coffee can get me through the rest of the day. No, it will take something stronger, much stronger. _

She looked up to the clock on the wall of the conference room. It was almost time. The time Will was shot and killed one year ago. The time they had all planned on toasting him today.

She gazed around the room eyes landing first on Diane. After Diane had joined the firm they had found some new office space in the loop. It was nice. She, Diane, and Cary, all had corner offices. They were hoping to get the floor just below them in the upcoming year so they could expand. It was still open like their warehouse office had been, but with more walls for a little more privacy. Lots of glass just like there had been at LG. Alicia smiled to herself.

_This is nice, who would have thought we would be where we are a year ago? Certainly not me! Definitely not Diane!_

As Alicia was thinking to herself, Cary walked in with the champagne and glasses. At the same time Eli and Peter were in the elevator on their way up to make a plan with Alicia.

A few minutes later everyone's glasses were full. No one really knew what to say. Finally Alicia lifted her glass. "To Will. One of the best lawyers I ever knew."

"To Will" everyone in the room including, Kalinda, Cary, Robin, Diane, and Clark held up their glasses. They all stood there for a few moments sipping, in silence. Everyone sat back down as Diane spoke up.

"You know one of the things I miss the most? I miss looking out across the desk in my office to his, and watching him work I miss seeing the wheels spinning through his mind. He was such a good lawyer. That and dancing! I miss dancing with him after a big win! He was such a great dancer! Such a good friend." Heads nodded in agreement.

Kalinda spoke up next. "I miss sitting in a bar after work chatting with him, and watching all of the people around us while making jokes about them. Also his trust. He was always asking me if he could trust me. Not because he thought I was betraying him, but because he liked to know I had his back."

Then it was Cary's turn. "I miss going up against him in court!"

Everyone looked a bit surprised.

"Oh really," Diane said, with a smile and raised eyebrows.

"Hey, you have to remember I spent most of the five and half years I knew him arguing against him on the opposite side. It was so maddening, yet awe inspiring to argue against him. He really was a great lawyer!"

A few others share their thoughts. Then Cary turned to Alicia.

"Hey Alicia, what do you miss most about Will?"

All eyes turned to her, but she wasn't listening. She was lost in thought.

"Alicia,"

"Huh, what?" Alicia looked up from her glass.

"What do you miss about Will?" Cary asked again.

She thought for a moment then smiled. "I miss seeing his name pop up on my phone. Then having to decide whether or no to answer it!" Everyone laughs. Then Alicia stood up from her chair. "And with that I am going back to my office. I have a meeting at three I need to prepare for."

As she left the conference room Diane and Cary looked at each other with a knowing glance. "She's putting up the "Alicia front." Diane commented quietly to him as the others left.

"I know. Did you see the look in her eyes when I asked her about Will?"

"Yes. Hopefully things will be better after today." They get up and left for their offices.

As Alicia walked back to her office she shook her head. _What do I miss about Will? Cary, what kind of question is that? I miss everything. _But as she turned the corner to enter her office she was jolted out of thought when she saw Peter and Eli sitting on the sofa just inside her office.


	3. Hitting Rock Botton

Alicia entered her office not even looking at Peter, "Eli, I thought I told you not today," she said as she sat at her desk.

"Alicia we were already on our way over when I got your text."

"Well we are not doing this today. I have an important client meeting at three, and I have work to do until then." She opened the file on her desk and glared at them.

Peter cuts in, "Oh yeah, important work like toasting Will?"

Alicia turned her attention to him. "How dare you after all this." She stood up from her desk and folded her arms.

"I think I will leave you two alone for a few minutes." Eli said as he got up and left the office closing the door behind him and sat in the chair just outside Alicia's office.

About ten minutes later Kalinda walked past. She had some files to give to Alicia. She slowed down when she saw the clearly heated discussion between Alicia and Peter going on in Alicia's office. She stood and watched for a few seconds before Eli noticed her.

"Just a little spirited discussion between a husband and wife!"

"Uh huh. She walked over to Eli. "Give these to Alicia when she is done with her "spirited" discussion." Kalinda handed the files to him, and walked off knowing something was up.

_Alicia would never lose her cool like that at work when anyone walking by could observe it unless something was really wrong._ She thought to herself as she continued down the hall.

A few minutes later Alicia opened the door to her office. "Get out of my office Peter." She walked back to her desk turning to the big windows waiting for Peter to leave. After a few moments Peter walked out and headed down the hall towards the elevator.

Eli watched him for a moment and then went into her office. "Kalinda left these with me for you."

She didn't turn but kept her gaze steady on the windows.

"Alicia, is there anything I can do?"

Silence

"Okay, I will just leave these on your desk." He placed the files down and turned to leave.

"Eli" Alicia said, almost in a whisper. He turned back towards her.

"I am going to divorce Peter. You are going to have to decide how you think we should handle all of this."

"Okay, give me the weekend." He didn't put up much of a fight. He was pretty sure this would happen after he found out about Peter's latest issues.

"And Eli, thank you."

"For what?"

"For always being there and looking at both sides of "our" issues. For helping Peter win the State's Attorneys office. For not pushing me or the kids to do interviews. For not pushing me to reconcile with Peter when we separated the first time." She turned and faced him. "For being delicate in asking about the affair I had with Will after it had ended. For bringing your business to Lockhart Gardner, allowing me to grow even though I hated the idea!"

"Alicia," he tried to cut her off, but she put her hand up.

"Let me finish. For helping Peter get elected as Governor. For being there a year ago when I found out about Will. Oh I don't know Eli, for everything. You have been there through thick and thin. So thank you."

"You're welcome." He looked down at his hands for a second then looked back up at her. "Alicia there is something I need to tell you."

"What?"

"I don't know how to tell you this, but please know that at the time I thought it was best. I thought it was… Okay, I was trying to protect Peter and get him elected. But I was trying to protect you too. Now after all that has happened I just thought you should know. Especially since I think you need to hear what Will said."

She raised her eyebrows in confusion. "What Will said?"

"Yes. The night that Peter announced he was running for State's Attorney I took your phone from you. Do you remember?"

"Yes" And then she realized what he was about to tell her. "Eli how could you? That voice message was private. You listened to it didn't you?"

"You know about the deleted voice message?"

"Yes I know. We were working on a case that involved wire taps. One of the taps was Will discussing the voice mail. But I never found out what the second message said. The wire tap had been cut off while Will was discussing it with our client. When I asked Will about it he lied to me. Well at least I am pretty sure he lied to me. Wait a minute. You knew there was more than one voice message? How do you know it was deleted?" She was losing patience and starting to put it all together.

"So you know there were two messages, but you don't know what one of them said?"

"Yes. And I'm assuming you do know what the deleted one said?"

"Yes, I deleted the second message after I listened to it."

She folded her arms across her chest shaking her head.

"Please, before you kick me out of your office hear me out. I know it was wrong. But you need to know what Will said. I don't remember his exact words, but I do remember the pertinent part. He said, "My plan is I love you. I've probably loved you ever since Georgetown."

She stared at him for a few moments and then turned back towards the window. "Eli, you need to go."

"Alicia, Will loved you. I don't know if he ever told you. If he did maybe it doesn't matter. But if he didn't, you need to know he did." He turned and walked towards the door. "Alicia, I am really very sorry… about everything."

After the door closed she sank into her chair. Everything from the past day, the past year, suddenly felt like a ton of bricks crashing in on her. It was too much. So much pain and heartache she could barely breathe. At that moment without realizing it she shut everything down. It was the only way to deal with everything. She didn't move. She couldn't. She didn't want to. _I don't care about anything right now. Not anymore. Everything has fallen apart, everything._

She didn't move for another hour. She didn't have the desire or strength as painful thoughts and memories continued to flood her mind. _ I have work… Work, I have a client coming in. I don't care. It hurts too much and I can barely breathe. What is going on? Will, Will I am so sorry. I just want to see him one more time. I just want one more chance to explain and make things right. Just one more chance to tell him how I feel. One more chance to allow him to say everything I never let him say because I was to afraid of what would happen if we actually discussed us. He tried numerous times before, during and after the affair. He even tried at Georgetown. But I was young and naïve back then. I had a plan back then, and no man was getting in the way of the plan. I allowed Peter to get in the way. Why didn't I let Will get in the way? I've spent my whole life going from one plan to the next and Will wasn't ever the plan. "We always have options Alicia," he had once said. Yes, we did but there were always too many complications. Why did everything always have to be so complicated? _

_This would have been easier if Peter would have never gotten out of prison. There never would have been new campaigns and elections. We could have avoided the press. I could have divorced Peter without it making the news. I could have been a private citizen instead of a public figure. Would I have divorced Peter if he were still in prison? Always the good wife, I was a good wife. I had loved Peter. But I had also loved Will._

_Snap out of this Alicia, you have to get back to work. No, I can't. I don't want too. For once in my life I am not following the plan. _

She continued to sit motionless facing the beautiful view in her office. Flashes of all the moments with Will kept playing over and over in her mind. She'd missed her phone ringing several times, and she doesn't hear her assistant walk in to tell her that her three o'clock appointment is waiting for her in the conference room.

"Alicia, Alicia, did you hear me?" With no response her assistant walked back out of her office and headed straight to Diane's.

In Diane's office she and Cary are going over a case they are working on together. Alicia's assistant knocked on the door. Diane looked up from her work.

"Cary, Diane, Alicia's three o'clock is here, but well she, Alicia…"

Just then Kalinda walked in.

"Hey you guys need to come to Alicia's office."

Cary then looked up from his files confused.

"Why is something wrong with Alicia?" Diane queried.

Kalinda spoke first. "Look, I have been past Alicia's office a half dozen times the past hour and half, and she hasn't moved. I just went in to give her some information on her next client but she won't turn around, and she won't respond to any of my questions."

"Is she asleep?" Cary asked.

"No, about two hours ago Peter was here with Eli. Alicia and Peter were having a very heated argument. And you know as well as I do that Alicia doesn't mix work with personal. It's not like Alicia to expose herself at work like that."

Diane thinks to herself, _Peter here? Alicia told me Peter was in Springfield. What is going on?_

"This day has probably been hard for her. Maybe you should send her home." Kalinda said interrupting Diane's thoughts.

"Kalinda, go tell Alicia's client it will just be a few minutes." Diane said. Then she and Cary made their way to Alicia's office. They stood at the door for a minute watching her.

"Alicia"

"Alicia" They both try, but get no response. "What do you think? She looks so." Cary whispered to Diane.

"Broken" Diane completed the thought she had seen this Alicia earlier only this was ten times more heartbreaking.

"Yeah, that is a good word for it," Cary said with a sigh.

They moved into her office. Cary approached and knelt down next to her. Diane stood next to her with her arm around her shoulder.

"Alicia, Alicia," Cary placed his hand on her arm thinking it might get some sort of response from her as Kalinda walked back into the office. The three of them looked at each other not really sure what to do. "Should we call 911? Maybe she's in shock." Cary offers.

Alicia was vaguely aware that Cary and Diane were next to her, but the hurt, the pain, she didn't know if she could pull out of this, or if she wanted too. She tried hard to concentrate on what Cary was saying.

"Alicia, you need to talk to us. Just say something." Cary continued with a quiet calm concerned tone. "We know this is hard for you. We know you miss Will, but Alicia you are so strong. He wouldn't want you to give up. Take the rest of the day off. Go home, just relax." He looked up at Diane for some direction. She just shook her head so he continued. "I am going to call Owen to come get you."

"No, please don't call Owen." She suddenly answered jolted from her thoughts. "Please Cary don't call Owen." While Owen had been a great support to her over the past few years she wasn't in the mood for his cheerful bantering. She wanted to be left alone.

Diane spoke up. "Cary, why don't you go and meet with Alicia's client. I think I can take over from here."

Cary stood reluctantly, but he knew Diane was right. He knew Alicia and Diane had a good relationship, and they didn't want to loose this client. So he left Alicia's office with Kalinda and headed towards the conference room.

"Alicia, what can I do?"

She looked up at Diane. "Nothing, no one can do anything. I have to work through this myself. Everything is out of control again."

"Have you and Peter separated again?"

Alicia chuckled under her breath as she stood. "Peter and I separated last year a few weeks after Will's funeral."

Diane was shocked. Alicia had kept this one very quiet. No one knew, at least she didn't think anyone knew or even suspected. She and Peter had played this very well.

"Uh, ok."

"Diane, I need a good divorce attorney." She said pulling her bag over her shoulder.

"You're divorcing Peter?"

"Yes," Alicia started towards the door but then she stoped without turning around.

"Diane, I am sorry for crumbling your world last year… and his. I had no right to..."

Diane quickly cut her off. "Alicia, don't. I know why you did it. I'm over it. I forgave you a long time ago. And Peter is the one who took the judgeship away not you."

Alicia turned back around the lump in her throat threatened tears at any moment. "Yes, and I appreciate that. But I will never have the chance to tell him." She turned and faced the door once again.

"Alicia, you have to let go. All of this hurt, all of this blame and anger, and heartache. You can't keep it inside. It will kill you. You have to find a way to put closure on Will."

Alicia spun around, the threat of tears quickly turning to anger. "You mean to forget him? To forget he ever existed? To put all of the memories of him in a box and wrap it up never to be opened again?" The anger was rising and before she realized what she was saying she blurted it out. "I loved him." She paused for a moment neither woman said anything.

_I just said it out loud. I just admitted to someone I loved Will. _She bit down on her lip afraid of what she might say next. She had to gain control again. These were words and emotions she only allowed to escape behind the safe confines of the locked door in her bedroom.

"I know you did, and he loved you." Diane started moving closer to her. "He loved you so much the only way he could deal with you leaving the firm was to push you away and be angry. And you felt the same way. The only way to deal with your feelings for him was to leave. You always wanted your own firm, but the main reason you left was because you loved him. You didn't know what else to do. I saw that kiss the night of the ballot box incident. I noticed the way you two looked at each other after that. I don't mean that you need to forget Will. We will never forget Will." She was close to tears and was just inches in front of Alicia.

"Every time you hear his name, every time you see the back of a man that looks like him, every time you drink some of his favorite wine, or catch a whiff of another man wearing the same cologne, or eat at a restaurant you two frequented, you will think of him. It will hit you when you least expect it, when your guards are totally down. And that's okay. You can let your guard down. You can be sad for a few moments. But Alicia, It's the guilt that will drag you down. You need to get rid of the guilt. You're going to need all of your strength the next few months to fight Peter. You're strong Alicia, probably the strongest most determined women I know next to myself."

"I don't know if I can Diane. I don't know if I want too." She turned around again and headed towards the door.

"I'll see you tonight Diane."

"Alicia, where are you going?"

"Home" And she turned and walked down the hall.


	4. Box Of Memories

When Alicia got home she put her things down and walked straight to the bedroom. She was so tired, she just wants to sleep. She decided to change and rummaged through her closet in search of something comfortable to put on. The box tucked in the corner under a few sweaters caught her eye.

She pulled it out. A smile formed on her lips when she realized what it was, her box of things from Georgetown. She remembered placing some things into it when she and Will had been together a few years earlier. She'd put them there figuring that if the kids or Peter ever opened it they wouldn't suspect anything.

She placed it on the bed and changed her clothes. She sat back against the pillows as she opened the box. First she pulled out a small dark blue box. Inside was a simple but stunning silver bracelet. Will had given it to her when they were in New York on the Ashbaugh case.

_That was crazy romantic. He was so nervous when he pulled it out of his suit coat pocket on the balcony. "Leesh, I have something for you." I almost lost the dinner I'd just eaten. I thought he was going to propose. He smiled when he saw the look on my face and started to laugh. _

"_It's not a ring! I just wanted to get you something!" Then he'd opened the box to reveal the beautiful bracelet. He'd slipped it on my wrist. I could tell he was so excited. Then I punched him for scaring me half to death! That really was the happiest I'd ever been, well again. I was always happy with Will. But that weekend was amazing. Just he and I no cares, no worries. We could walk down the street holding hands. Eat at whatever restaurant we wanted without anyone giving us a second thought. He was the only one who could bring out the care free Alicia. _

Coming out of the memory, she slipped the bracelet onto her wrist.

Next she pulled out a baseball cap and ball.

_I loved watching him pitch all those years ago. He was so excited when he had thrown his one and only no-hitter. He made the umpire give him the ball after the inning was over. He came right over to where I was sitting and said, "Leesh I want you to have this!" _

"_But Will, it's the ball you won the game with." _

"_Ah, it's just a ball." I knew how much that ball meant to him, why didn't I pick up on the fact that he wanted me to have a piece of this happy moment with him? _She spun the ball around in her fingers a few times thinking of how he used to do the same studying for finals, or thinking through a current case in his office. She placed the ball on the bed next to her and held up the old Georgetown baseball cap.

This was a more recent gift from Will. He had made her wear it one night a few years earlier when they had watched a game together at his apartment. They couldn't go out to a Cubs game together. Imagine the pictures that could have shown up in the paper the next day. He had wanted to share the going to the game experience together anyway.

"_So what is this big surprise for tonight?" She had asked as soon as she had entered his apartment. He had clearly been cooking something on the grill. _

"_Tonight we are going to a Cubs game!" He said taking her hand and pulling her to the kitchen._

"_Will, you know we can't go out like that." _

_He turned to face her and placed his hands on her arms. "I know! Welcome to Wrigley Field!" He said pointing to the living room smiling. He grabbed the cap off the counter and handed it to her. "Here is your baseball attire. You have to wear this the entire night! Even after the game for post game activities!" _

"_Are you serious?" She smiled and rolled her eyes._

"_Yes, I have never been so serious in my whole life." He placed the cap on her head then gave her a kiss. _

"_And what kind of food do I get to eat at this fine establishment?" She smiled playing along, it was like he was twenty years old again._

"_You get gourmet hotdogs and beer of course!" _

"_Gardner, you will never cease to amaze me!" _

The whole night had been more fun than she had expected. It was so relaxing to just sit next to him on his couch. She had forgotten until then how much he loved watching baseball. The whole thing had been so funny. He had played all the parts from the angry fan, to the fan protecting his date from the angry fan. He'd pretended to be the concessions stand worker, the winning team, the losing team, and of course the gentleman. And true to his word he had made her keep the baseball hat on while they had made love that night. It had really turned him on that she had played along with his little game.

Alicia put the cap back into the box. There were other odds and ends from the Georgetown years. Some of the papers she had written during law school. A copy of her law review articles. A few awards she had received during school.

Next she pulled out a stack of photos. Most were from Georgetown. There were some from graduation, some from parties she had been too with friends. There were several from all the adventures she'd had with Will, and others during school.

_He used to hate how often I took photos! _She sighed as she thumbed through the stack.

Then she pulled out some more recent ones. There were only a few of the two of them. A couple that had been taken at work. And the few they'd taken one morning when she was at his apartment.

_It was a Saturday morning after she had come over for breakfast. He was good at making breakfast. He had made Omelettes, fruit, and coffee._

_"These are really good Will." _

_"Thanks, it's just about the only thing I can cook." He said with those dark, make you melt eyes. "Hey stay right there don't move." _

_"Why, I want to sit on the couch." A split second later he had pulled out his phone, and before she knew it he had snapped a shot of her with the camera. "Will, what are you doing?" She rolled her eyes and moved to the couch._

_"You were just so beautiful sitting there I had to take a picture!" _

"_Is that a pick up line, counselor?" She smirked._

_"No!" He said incredulously. _

_She grabbed the phone from him and sat down. "Now it's your turn." _

_"No way Leesh." _

_"Oh come on its only fair. You should have learned by now not to argue against me counselor!" _

_"I have a counter argument- counselor!" He held tightly onto her hand that held the phone. _

"_Whats that?" She said leaning in just inches from his face. _

"_We take one together. One of both of us." _

"_Objection" She smiled and pulled back a bit. _

"_Over ruled!" He said pulling her close to him again.. _

_"Fine counselor, I accept your conditions, but you owe me!" _

"_Whatever you want!" He said leaning in to steal a kiss. _

"_Whatever I want counselor?" she said with a raised brow._

"_Yes, whatever you want!" _

_She leaned in close to his ear. "I want you!" With that comment he couldn't contain himself any more. He kissed her passionately and they proceeded to remove each other's clothes. _

_Awhile later when they were clothed again, they sat on the couch, and snapped a few shots. In some of the photos they were looking at the camera. And in others they were looking at each other. Will had even managed to get one of them kissing without her knowing it until they had printed them out on his printer awhile later. It had been very playful. As they were thumbing through them together Will held one out and said, "Now whenever I want to see you, and you aren't here I can look at this!" A big grin etched across his face. _

At the time it had seemed so silly. But now she was grateful he'd insisted on taking them.

There were other things from school in the box, but the last thing she pulled out was his Georgetown sweatshirt. He had let her borrow it just a few weeks before she had broken things off with him, after Grace had gone missing.

_It was late one Friday night. The kids were at Peter's. She had gone to his place for dinner. They had ordered in pizza, and had spent the evening talking like best friends talk. Around ten Alicia had a sudden urge for ice cream. _

_"You want ice cream at ten pm in this freezing fall weather?" _

_"Yes, I love ice cream and I want some!" _

_"Well I happen to know of a frozen yogurt place we can walk to in about ten minutes. But I expect to be rewarded when we get back!" _

_She smiled. "I think I can handle that!"_

_So they had thrown on their jackets and headed out. It was much colder than Alicia had thought it would be. But it was nice to walk with him in the crisp fall air. _

_After enjoying some yogurt together, they headed back to his place. Almost as soon as they left the quaint shop it started to rain. At first it was just a drizzle, but after a minute it had turned into a down pour. They had run the few blocks back to his apartment. But by the time they got there they were both drenched. Alicia was shivering. "I know the perfect way to warm you up." he said wrapping his arms around her and pressing his wet lips to hers. "But we'll need to take all of these wet clothes off.!" _

"_I feel your reward coming on!" She said as they headed towards the bedroom and removed all of their clothing. He was freezing too even though he wouldn't admit it. So they huddled under the warm blankets as she proceeded to reward him. _

_Later he had given her his Georgetown sweatshirt to wear. "That looks amazing on you" _

_"Oh please Will. I look ridiculous."_

_"No, you look amazing wearing anything that belongs to me!" He had said with sultry eyes looking back at her. Later after she put her dry clothes back on, she got cold again. She had only worn a light weight blouse with her jeans, and her jacket was still soaked He had told her to wear the sweatshirt home. She certainly wasn't going to object. She had meant to give it back to him, but then Grace went missing and life happened. She had put it in the box the next day to "hide" it from the kids, and had forgotten about it. _

Now she held it close, taking in the fading scent, the scent of his cologne. She couldn't believe it still smelled like him.

_It must have held the scent because it's been stuffed in this box. Oh how I miss that scent_. She thought as she slipped it over her head feeling its warmth, feeling Will. Pretending he was right there with his arms wrapped tightly around her. She climbed under the covers of her bed. The last thing she remembered thinking before she drifted off to sleep was a short conversation they had had years earlier.

"_I'm worried about everything." _This was exactly how she felt now buried under the sheets of her bed.

"_I'm not"_ he had responded with a smile and such reassurance. She drifted off to sleep dreaming that he was right there next to her, holding her, keeping her safe, and protecting her like he always had. Making her worries all wash away.


	5. What Next

An hour after Alicia left the office Cary and Kalinda finished up with their client and went to Diane's office.

"So where is Alicia now?" Kalinda asked as they entered.

"She went home." Diane said as she looked up from her work removing her glasses.

"So how is she?" Cary asked concerned as they sit down.

"Not well," Diane said with a sigh.

"I don't get it." Cary said "She's been good the past eight months. I thought she had put closure on Will. It seemed like she had moved on. There's been no indication before today that she wasn't doing great."

"Alicia's a private person." Kalinda interjected.

"I know. I'm just saying look around us. All of this is Alicia's doing. Diane, do you think you and I would have agreed to become partners if Alicia hadn't pushed so hard to make it happen?" Diane chuckles with a knowing glance. "No offense Diane, but I hated the idea at the time. I couldn't believe Alicia was even considering it." He said with a smile.

"No Cary, the only reason I got out from under David Lee and Louis Canning was because Alicia fought for me to come here. I think after Will died she and I started watching out for each other with out realizing it. She reminded me so much of Will during that time." She glanced over to the window. "I guess she still does."

"So what are we going to do?" Kalinda said. "Diane you talked to her, is this all about Will, or is it about Peter?"

"Are she and Peter separating again?" Cary asked.

Diane sighed and returned her gaze to them shaking her head. "No, she and Peter separated a year ago." She waited for a reaction knowing they would both be surprised.

"They… what?" Cary said sitting up in his chair.

Diane smiled. "That is about the reaction I had when Alicia told me. They've kept that secret well hidden haven't they?" Kalinda and Cary looked at each other then turned back to her.

"Yeah" Kalinda said.

"She and Peter are going to get a divorce. Alicia asked me to draw up divorce papers for her."

"Wow, she is really going to do it? Divorce Peter? He must have done something to really hurt her if she is willing to divorce him after all that has happened over the past seven years." Kalinda said not really believing what she had just heard.

"I know" Diane said concerned.

"She didn't tell you what happened?"

"No, I asked her if they had separated and she told me they had a year ago. Then she asked me if I would draw up divorce papers for her. The conversation immediately turned to Will and then she left."

"So is the divorce about Will?" Cary asked.

"I have no idea. I can't imagine that she would decide to divorce Peter over Will now that he's gone."

"Maybe they tried to work it out, couldn't, and decided to end things." Kalinda offered.

"No" Diane said, "I went to Will's grave site this morning, Alicia was there. She looked exhausted like she hadn't slept all night. Whatever she is upset about just happened. She looked almost as broken as she did this afternoon. There has to be something else that pushed her over the edge. Likely it's something Peter did."

"Maybe you should investigate." Cary said to Kalinda with a smile. Diane chuckled.

"Alicia would kill all of us if I did that and she found out." Kalinda said.

"Well it's Friday afternoon and we don't have any more clients today. I am going home. I invited Alicia over for dinner this evening."

"And she agreed?" Cary said surprised.

"Yes, she confirmed it right before she left. I am hoping that two close friends getting together for dinner might provide a "safe" environment for her. You two know Alicia as well as I do, and she is not going to fall to pieces for weeks over what's going on. I think she just needs to talk to someone. A professional would probably not be a bad idea, but she will never agree to that. She's built up a lot of guilt, regret, and from what Kalinda saw today clearly anger over the past year. Sometimes all you need is a good sounding board." She stood and started to gather her things.

"With a little wine and food I will try to be the sounding board."

"And you think you can get her to "talk" actually "talk?" Cary said skeptically.

"Yes, she already made the first move. She admitted out loud to me this afternoon that she loved Will. I'll bet she never said that to a single soul. Not even him. I could be wrong, but the look on her face after she said it was pretty much one of shock. I'm hoping that two friends discussing an old friend, will allow her to open up about everything that happened between her and Peter, and her and Will. There's got to be more to the Will and Alicia story than the one we all know. The relationship those two had was very complicated and I don't think it just became complicated six and half years ago. Without even a second thought Will wouldn't budge on not hiring her. I didn't understand it at the time. I couldn't understand why he was so set on bringing her on. That's how the contest between you two came up Cary. I had a lot of concerns about hiring her, and we didn't have the budget for both of you. But Will kept coming up with more and more reasons why we should hire her. So I finally gave in."

"Yeah, about that Diane, Will had me bury some information that probably would have hurt her as a hiring prospect."

"Really?" Cary laughed. "I never had a chance did I?"

"No!" Kalinda smirked. "Her old firm was going to fire her just after she left on maternity leave. They didn't think she was tough enough. Can you imagine Alicia not "tough enough?" Kalinda said smiling, all three chuckled at the thought.

Diane cut in again. "I had never seen Will act that way over anyone. The way he looked at her all the time, even from day one… actually it really caught me off guard. He wanted to include her in everything. Will and I would be standing in the hall or in my office having a "private" conversation about a case and if she was there she would turn to walk away to give us some privacy. But he would always insist she stay. It drove me crazy. He almost always took her side on cases. I knew from week one this was not just another person he wanted to sleep with for a month and then move on. He acted like an adult around her. He genuinely loved her. That love, that passion had to have come from somewhere."

"Well if you pry it out of her take good notes. Some of us would love to hear that story!" Cary said.

"Okay, but be prepared because I think the next few weeks will bring us a "new" Alicia. If Alicia is divorcing Peter it will affect the firm and we need to be prepared." She pulled her purse over her shoulder. "You two have a good weekend."

"You to Diane! And good luck with Alicia." Cary said as Diane headed out of her office.

_Ringing, ringing, where is that ringing coming from? _Alicia slowly opened her eyes. Still feeling groggy, she looked around, and realized it was her phone that had woken her up. She reached over to the night stand, and picks it up. It read Diane. Alicia answered with a tired groggy voice.

"Hi Diane"

"Alicia, are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine Diane, why?" Alicia was still trying to wake up from the deep sleep she had been in.

"I was just calling to see if you were still planning on coming over."

"Yes, of course what time is it?"

"Seven thirty"

"Oh, Diane, I am so sorry, I came home and fell asleep. Your call woke me up."

"It's okay Alicia. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I'm sure you needed the sleep."

"Yeah, I guess I did. Listen I can be there in half hour. Will that work? I still want to come. I'm starving, I haven't eaten all day." Alicia started to get out of bed.

"Yes, that sounds good. I will see you soon."

"Okay, thanks Diane."

"Good bye Alicia."

Alicia looked around the room. Then looked down and saw the sweatshirt. She smiled, and took it off. She folded it up, and put it back into the box. Vainly hoping it would hold its scent. _I really need to find out what kind of cologne he used to wear! _She thought to herself.

She brushed through her hair, touched up her makeup, and slipped on a comfortable sweater. She grabs a bottle of wine, and her purse and keys, and heads out the door.

She'd gotten ready, and left the apartment so quickly she hadn't thought about all the events of the day that had taken her home. But now that she was driving she had time to think again. She could feel all of the emotions start to run through her body again. It was like a tornado had attacked her. She didn't think one person could feel so many emotions at the same time.

_How am I going to get through this? It's unbearable. I don't know how to turn these emotions off. _

By the time she knocked on Diane's front door, she couldn't hold it in any longer. As soon as Diane opened the door she burst into tears. Diane let her in, and then hugged her tightly. It reminded her of the hug Diane had given her a year ago at LG., the day that had changed her whole life. Yet for the first time in the past twenty four hours she felt safe.


	6. Realization

A few minutes before Alicia arrived, Diane and Kurt were talking on the phone.

"I am really worried about her Kurt. You should have seen her today. I have never seen Alicia even close to the state she was in. I just hope I can do something. You know how reluctant Alicia is to open up to anyone."

"Yes," he replied. "She puts up the "Alicia front."

"Exactly"

"Well it sounds to me like she needs a good friend to help her through this, and maybe you should give her that thumb drive you've been holding onto for a year. "

"Yes I plan on it. This might be the good timing I was hoping for. If nothing else maybe reading Will's thoughts can pull her out of this. There she is. I better go."

"Okay, I'll be talking to you."

Just as she was about to hang up and open the door she had a thought. "Kurt"

"Yeah"

"I love you"

"And I love you."

"No, I mean I really love you. If there is anything I have learned from today it's that I always want you to know how deeply I love you, just in case."

"Well I love you, and don't worry I promise to come home in a few days."

Diane smiled as she hung up and opened the door. She wasn't expecting Alicia to be standing there in tears.

"Alicia"

"I'm sorry Diane. I just… it's been a long day," she said, entering the apartment.

"I'm so sorry Alicia," Diane said, as she embraced Alicia giving her a tight hug.

"I know," Alicia said through her tears.

"It's going to be okay," Diane said, letting go of her. They walked over to the sofa and sat down.

Alicia sighed wiping away her tears. "Diane, I don't know if I will ever be okay."

"You will, I know you. You've just hit a… really big bump. But you'll pull through. You always do," she said encouragingly.

"I am hurting so much." She lifted her head and looked at Diane. "I miss Will so much…" she said, in an honest whisper. "I feel so… alone. I feel like a part of me is missing. I lost something last year, my best friend, and I don't know how to fill that void."

"You're in a tough spot right now."

"Yes, but today has been like reliving his death over and over again. I don't know what happened. I thought I'd finally gotten over him being gone. But today I am feeling all of these strong emotions for him. I know I was angry earlier at the notion of _boxing_ up all of my memories of him, but that's exactly what I did-I had too. Last year I questioned, I mourned, I spent three days in bed. The only way I could move on was to box it all up and forget."

"And today the box burst open?"

Alicia nodded. "Yes. I just want to see him one more time. I want one more chance to tell him that I'm sorry, and that I love him. I never told him…. I will never be able to tell him. What do I do now?" Alicia looked at her with hopeful eyes.

Diane's lips turned up into a slight smile. "Now… you actually deal with the emotions. Shutting out your feelings worked for awhile, but at some point you have to deal with them, and that's a difficult thing. You need to realize that none of this is your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong with the people around you." She paused for a moment contemplating what to say next.

"Alicia, Will loved you. He loved you so much."

"And I hurt him. You aren't supposed to hurt the ones you love the most, and I did." Tears started to form in her eyes again.

"Alicia, do something for me."

"What?"

"Just for a few minutes put away the wife, the mother, the sister, the friend. Take all the hats off and just be you. Feel the emotions you had for Will. Accept that what you and Will had was not just whatever you and Will had. It wasn't just that thing two years ago, or twenty years ago. It was love, real love. It was a kind of love that most people spend their entire lives searching for. A love you got to experience. Let yourself experience it without the guilt. Will wouldn't want you to be in the emotional place you are in right now, and that's why this is so difficult. That's why when whatever's happened over the past twenty four hours ripped the bow off and reopened that box."

Alicia sighed. "My whole life fell apart today…_again_ Diane. Only it was worse than ever before. I feel like the little bit of what was left of my dreams has fallen to pieces. I am so tired of everything always being so complicated. All I've wanted for years now was to go to work, go home, enjoy the kids, and have a more normal life. All of that was beginning to fall into place. But after today I don't want to do anything. Not anymore."

Diane handed her a tissue which she gratefully accepted.

"Yes, you're depressed." Diane offers.

Alicia looked thoughtful for a moment. "Yes, I suppose I am. I thought I'd been through that last year when I couldn't pull myself out of bed, but this is a different kind of depression. What makes it even worse is that Eli… I am so angry…" Alicia shook her head turning her gaze towards the coffee table.

Diane begins to realize this will be more difficult than she had expected. Alicia's train of thought seems to be all over the place. "Alicia, how did we get from Will, to Eli?"

Alicia stood up and started to pace back and forth. "How? I'll tell you how. The men in my life are all one continuous circle. Wherever there is Will, there's Peter, and wherever there is Peter there is Eli. And apparently wherever Eli and Peter are it somehow comes right back to Will. If I wasn't living this chaos, I wouldn't believe it." Her tears subside for a moment replaced with a hint of anger.

"I need some wine." She admits.

Diane chuckles. "Well come sit down at the table, we'll eat, and have a drink."

They sat at the table. Diane had spread out quite a meal.

"Wow Diane, this looks really good!"

"Well don't judge it until you've eaten it!" They ate in silence for a few minutes before Alicia spoke up.

"Who knew Diane Lockhart was a fabulous cook? This is the best meal I have had in months!"

"Thank you"

"How did you learn to cook like this?" she said, taking another bite.

"Remember I told you my mother had other plans for me. She was an excellent cook, and taught me. But being single until recently I didn't need to use the skill much."

"I was never a great cook. I can cook, but not like this. This is an art! I bet Kurt loves this!"

"Yes… he does!" Diane smiled turning her thoughts to Kurt.

"So, back to Eli," Diane says, interrupting the silence a few minutes later.

Alicia looked up from her plate. "Eli, she said, with clear annoyance in her voice.

"Yes, clearly from the way you are reacting you are not very happy with him. So what did Eli do?"

"The better question is what hasn't Eli done to influence the outcome of my life over the past six years?"

"I thought you liked Eli. You two have always worked well together. It seemed anyway."

"Don't get me wrong Diane. I have a lot of respect for Eli. He left things alone when I needed them left alone. He did his best to make life as uncomplicated for me and the kids through all of Peter's campaigning as he could. He is brilliant and is very good at his job. But now that I know what I know, I am wondering how many things he's kept from me in an attempt to protect Peter. Things he kept that could have potentially changed my life. He had no right to interfere in the direction I thought I was choosing to take it."

"Okay, now you really have to tell me what he did! What was the "thing?" Diane said, with a raised brow.

Alicia placed her fork on the table and took another sip of wine. She got up and walked over to the big windows in Diane's front room. Diane followed wine glasses in hand.

"Let me give you a little background first. After Peter was released from prison he and I… struggled. We were up and down."

"Well that is perfectly understandable."

"Will and I became-closer." She turned and looked at Diane. "It's not what you think. Peter didn't trust me with Will, and I had a lot of trust issues with Peter, as you can imagine. Peter didn't like all the late nights and long hours I was putting in and he made it very clear sometimes.

Without realizing it, if I was angry at Peter, I would be more flirty with Will. And of course he would flirt right back. Will could always tell when I wasn't happy." She sighed and shook her head. "He'd ask how I was, or how things were going. He was very good at that, but I would never discuss personal things with him. We tried to have dinner together for weeks, for months even, after I started working, just to get caught up. But we could never make it work." She turned and leant against the window.

One night just before Peter announced he was running for State's Attorney Will brought drinks and pizza to my office. We had our dinner. It was nice. He said something that night that has really stuck with me. He said, "We always have options Alicia." I knew he was right, but at the time I didn't know what I wanted. I'm pretty sure had figured out what he wanted. The night Peter announced he was running for State's Attorney Will called me during the press conference. It was loud and I could barely hear him. I only answered because I thought it was about work."

Diane lifts an eyebrow. "But it wasn't?"

"No" She went and sat back down on the sofa. "I was surprised he even called. He knew where I was. It was just one more blatant example of our bad timing. He wanted to talk about us. What was he thinking calling me then? He and I had had our dinner, and we'd had a _moment _a few months before, but of all of the moments to call he chose that one."

"You had a moment?"

"Yes, a really good moment," she said smiling. "He kissed me at work after the Lifestate insurance case. I went to talk to him just before I went home. He was feeling down. I was weak and wasn't really happy with Peter at the time. It just happened."

"Sounds like a good moment!" Diane said lifting her glass to take another drink. Alicia blushed and nodded her head up and down.

"Please keep going. Hearing things that went on in the background that I never knew about are rather interesting! What happened next, at the press conference?"

"We talked for a minute. I told him he had to make a plan if he wanted this… whatever it was to continue. Then I had to hang up. Just as I went to go onstage with Peter he called again. Eli took the phone right out of my hand. I realize now that Eli had probably overheard some of the conversation I had just had with Will. When he saw the caller ID, taking the phone was the only thing he could think of to prevent me from not going to stand with Peter. Everything was hectic over the next few hours, and I completely forgot he had called. Later that night when I was home I checked my phone. I had one voicemail from Will. He said that I was right to stay with Peter. That our relationship was wrong, he was my boss. He said we should drop it. So I dropped it."

"But he didn't drop it did he?"

"No, well he tried. We both tried."

"Things were awkward between us at work for awhile, but I didn't know the real reason at the time. I figured he hadn't actually wanted to drop _it_, but he didn't tell me otherwise. And like I said, I was still trying to figure out what I did want. I was married. I couldn't pursue a relationship with good conscience even if I had wanted too."

Kalinda told me to talk to him. She said, "Talk to him Alicia, life is short." Yeah, life is short, too short. I never talked to him and Tami came into the picture not long after that."

"I liked Tami!" Diane said.

"I did too! She seemed good for him." Alicia looked away for a few moments.

"A few months later we were working on the Mathew Wade case. Will was on some of the wire taps I listened to. He told Wade he had phoned me twice. Then the wire tap cut out. When it resumed Wade was telling Will he should come and tell me what he had said and that he couldn't spill his heart in a voicemail. That's when I knew I had missed a voicemail. After I heard the tap I left the room, and checked my phone, I could hardly breathe. I was suddenly feeling all of these emotions for him. It was a mix of happy, joy, want… There was only one voicemail on my phone. I figured the second one had just never gotten to my phone. I wanted to know, I had to know, what he had said in the other voicemail. I hate loose ends. So I went to ask Will about it later that day, but as I went to ask Tami walked into the room, bad timing once again."

"I'm starting to understand why the two of you and bad timing are used in the same sentence together." Alicia laughed.

"Yes, well we had good timing a few times. A few weeks later after my trip to bring Owen back to Chicago I did ask Will about it, and I was pretty sure he lied to me. I know now what he told me was a lie."

"And we know this because of what Eli told you today?"

"Yes… Eli deleted the second voicemail. How could he do that? Listen to my personal voicemails and delete one." Her anger began to rise again. "Eli confessed, Alicia there is something you need to know" she said, with her best impression of Eli's voice. "Great timing Eli, tell me this right after I have a huge fight with Peter." She shook her head and let out an exhausted chuckle. "It's all so ridiculous."

Diane chuckled under her breath. "It really is. So what did Will say in the voicemail?"

She bit her lip and turned away. "That he loved me, that he had loved me since Georgetown. How could Eli take that moment away from me, _from us_?"

Diane shook her head. "I don't know."

"I never got to hear him say those three life changing words and really mean it. Eli took that from me."

"Would it have changed things? If you had listened to the voice mail would you have done things differently?"

"I… don't know. I would have liked to of had the opportunity to make the choice." A few tears escaped her eyes. "Diane, I loved Will. I always have." The confession sent chills through her body. She stood and walked back over to the window and watched the rain continue to fall.

"I'm angry and hurt. I feel lost Diane. Who knows what else Eli's done without my knowledge or consent. I don't know what to do now. I feel like I have lost all direction. Will's gone. Peter and I…" she paused shaking her head.

"Alicia what happened? You don't just decide over night to get a divorce, especially not you."

She let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Actually Diane, I did." Alicia turned around and looked at Diane straight in the eye. "It's been a long time coming, but I did decide over night. Peter has been keeping a lot of secrets from me." She shook her head again and turned back towards the window.

Diane stood up and moved next to her. "Do you want to tell me what he did?"

Alicia sighed folding her arms. "Peter is going to be a father again." She waited for the news to soak in.

"And you're not the mother are you? He cheated on you again?" Diane said, with a bit of anger in her voice.

"No, and yes. You have to keep in mind that we have been separated for a year."

Diane chuckled. "Yes, you two fooled everyone."

"We did, but it seemed like the right decision at the time. I was really upset with Peter last year." Alicia sat back down. "When I was out for those three days mourning Will, I missed an event with Peter. He came over to talk about it. Things escalated quickly. He said I wasn't "trying" hard enough. That if this was my best it wasn't good enough."

"He didn't?"

"Oh, he did. And that's when I realized I had to let go. Let go of him. Let go of all the pain and hurt he'd caused me. After he got out of prison he said he wanted to change. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't anymore. The only way I could deal with that realization was to separate from him. So I told him we were through. I told him we would stay married, but that was it. He could do whatever, sleep with whoever he wanted. Staying together was good for our careers, but as far as the marriage went I was done. He even had the gall to say, "So you want to sleep with someone else?" He always thought the reason I didn't want to be with him was because I wanted to sleep with someone else." She sat back and closed her eyes. Diane moved back to the sofa next to her.

"Maybe that was the only reason he could think of for not wanting to be with you, so he just assumed you felt the same." Diane said.

"Yes, maybe. He's been paranoid about that ever since prison. Jackie told him while he was in prison that I was spending all these late nights at work with Will, and he just assumed we were sleeping together. He never seemed to care about the facts. He thought the reason I wasn't willing to work things out the first time we separated was because I wanted to sleep with Will, or that I already had."

"But you did want to sleep with Will didn't you?"

"Yes, but I had been faithful to Peter. Except for the kiss, and that was not the reason we separated. That was not the reason I wasn't willing to work it out. It never occurred to him that there were lots of other reasons I didn't want to be with him. The last thing I wanted to do a year ago was sleep with someone who wasn't Will. How could he hurt me like this? I am his wife, and he got another woman pregnant…"

"You found out last night?"

"Yes, he and Eli came to my apartment and told me."

"Why Eli?"

Alicia laughed, "For damage control! It's in Eli's job description." She rolled her eyes. "I didn't even know what to say when he told me. I was furious. It would be one thing to have a child with another woman if we were divorced, but to do it while we are still married…"

"Did Peter know, I mean, was he trying to get another woman pregnant?"

"I have no idea. But Zach and Grace are going to have another sibling in four months, and they don't even know yet."

"Four months!" Diane said surprised.

"Yes. I cannot wrap my head around that. He clearly never changed. Married, that used to mean something. It used to mean commitment. Not anymore. I decided a few months ago that maybe we should give it one more shot. A real shot. I told him that maybe we should try to work it out again. I called him more. I tried to attend more events. We met for dinners. I thought he wanted it too. I had this strange notion that if Peter and I actually worked together we could do great things. Make a real difference somewhere. That was how I pictured us all those years ago at Georgetown. I've always seen the potential for greatness in Peter. A few weeks ago I even told him we should try living together again. He seemed surprised, but willing." She paused for another minute. "He already knew about the baby when we talked."

"Well, this is not going to reflect well upon the Governor."

"No, nor will the other issue. If this takes down our firm I will kill him," she said, taking another sip of her wine.

"Do I want to know what the other issue is?"

"You need to know, but I don't want to talk about it right now."

Alicia set her glass of wine down. "Diane I'm sorry for unloading all of this on you. You invited me over here to have dinner, and it probably hasn't been very enjoyable for you."

"Alicia I have enjoyed it. I'm worried about you. You don't have to do this alone. I think it's good for you to talk about everything that you've had "boxed up" if you will, for so long."

"Yes, maybe." She leaned back slumping a little against the pillows. "How are you and Kurt these days? I haven't seen him for awhile."

"Nice segway!" They both chuckle. "We are really good. I never pictured myself married before Kurt. But now that I am, I quite like it. It's like having a piece of me that I didn't know I was missing. It was all so crazy the way we met and then how the relationship continued. But from the day I met Kurt it was…"

"Amazing!" Alicia said smiling.

"Yes, it took me by such surprise. The way Kurt could make me smile with only a few words, or even a look, it was crazy! We were, are, so opposite in so many ways. But that is what makes it so fun. I fell head over heals for him the first time he walked into my office."

Alicia laughed lightly, "I know!"

"You knew?" Diane blushed from slight embarrassment.

"Of course! Don't you remember I was waiting outside your office the first time you met Kurt. I saw the way you're eyes followed him all the way down the hall after he left your office, and the laughter that followed. That kind of smile and laughter are the ones reserved only for those we love. The funniest thing about that encounter was that I knew exactly what was going on, and I don't think you had a clue!"

"I didn't!"

"Yes, one of the few times I had the upper hand on Diane Lockhart! I don't think anyone else caught onto the way you were looking at him, or the way you watched him during the trial."

"Well you're probably right about all of that! I have Will to thank for introducing me to Kurt. He's the one who found me my ballistics expert." Both women ponder this for a few moments finishing off their glasses of wine.

"What if I made a mistake twenty one years ago Diane?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if Will and I were supposed to be together instead of Peter and I? What if it's my fault he never had a family, a family I know he wanted?"

Diane looked at her skeptically. "Will wanted a family?"


	7. Georgetown Complicated

"Yes Diane, Will wanted a family." She paused seeing the skepticism in Diane.

"Will didn't know how to flip from being one of Chicago's most eligible bachelors to husband and father. He probably didn't ever allow you to see that side of him."

Diane had a thought, a memory. "I think he may have figured that out at some point over the time he spent with you."

"You know that voice message he left me the day he died?"

"Yes"

"It haunts me," she admits, feeling the heaviness again in her heart. "As far as I have been able to piece together, he left the message after he had seen photos of Finn's children. What if he wanted to fix things? What if he was ready to spill his heart again? What if I made the wrong choice, _again_?" She stood again and returned to stare out the window.

"Alicia, you can't continue to blame yourself. It's life. Life is all about choices, and consequences. They work hand in hand. What ever made you choose Peter at the time must have felt right. It had to have been what you wanted. I've seen you and Peter over the past few years, and I know you love him, or loved him," she said hesitantly.

"I did, but I loved Will too."

"So why did you choose Peter over Will at Georgetown? What happened?"

"What happened? I got pregnant… Will and I were best friends, but Peter and I were dating. Peter was the one you were serious with, the one who was "marriage material". Will was always the fun guy who you did wild and crazy things with. The one you walked around campus with in the middle of the night discussing baseball, well he would discuss baseball I would listen. He was the one you made chocolate chip cookies for at two am, because it was fun, and seemed like the thing to do.

One night he and I, and my roommate were watching some TV, and a commercial came on for a local market. It was almost Thanksgiving. He turns to me and says, "Leesh lets have Thanksgiving dinner." I laughed. It was about eight o'clock at night. So I said we could have our own Thanksgiving dinner the following Sunday. "No Leesh, I mean tonight." She chuckled at the memory.

"He dragged my roommate and I to the market. We bought a freezer to oven turkey breast, potatoes, some other items, and went back to my apartment and made Will's Thanksgiving dinner. We ate at about one am. It was crazy, but so fun! Will was always fun!"

"Sounds like fun, tell me more about Georgetown. I mean that's always been the big mystery for everyone. And I saw the way Will watched you from day one. I knew there had to be more to the story than what he had told me which was that you knew each other at Georgetown."

"Will never told you about us at Georgetown?" Alicia said, with pleasure and surprise in her voice.

"No" Diane laughed. "Other than you were friends, all he said was that you were the top of your class."

"Well I was!" she said, with a raised brow.

This caused Diane to chuckle again. "I know, that's why I agreed to hire you."

"Will always goofed around. He was a really good student. He was serious when it came to grades. But he played around an awful lot for a guy who did so well in school. Whenever we were studying he would get bored after awhile, and would try to get me to run with him, or go watch him hit balls. He was very convincing, as you can imagine. He would always say to me, "you only live once Leesh. You're only in college once. You have to make the most of it." And he did. He dated half the women in our graduating class."

"That doesn't surprise me!" Diane said.

"One thing is for sure, Will lived life to the fullest back then. I always had to have a plan, and I always had to know what was going to happen three weeks in advance."

"You still do!"

"Yes, but sometimes I wish I would have let go, lived life a little more."

"Tell me more about those Georgetown years. Were you dating Peter and Will?"

Alicia chuckled. "No. That seems like a thousand years ago, and it was complicated."

"It always is!"

"Will and I were best friends, but we never dated officially. Peter was a year ahead of Will and I. He was a TA for one of the law professors his last semester. Near the end of our 2L year, the law school student association held a social. They played some dating game. Will wasn't with me. He had procrastinated on getting a paper written, and had to complete it. Peter and I got to talking. He had landed a job here in Chicago and told me to give him a call while I was home doing my summer internship.

I did call and he took me out. We saw a lot of each other over the summer. Peter was mature, serious, stable, had a real job. At the end of internship I was offered a full time position once I graduated. So Peter and I kept in touch."

"Did Peter know about Will?"

"Yes, in fact Peter never seemed to mind that Will was my best friend. Maybe because he knew I would be returning to Chicago after graduation and Will was headed to Baltimore."

"What did Will think of Peter?"

"Peter drove Will crazy. Will thought Peter was arrogant, and Peter thought Will was immature and careless." She sighed. "They were both right. That's probably why Peter never seemed to feel threatened by Will when he came to visit. That and when he did come to visit for a weekend I spent most of my time with him not Will. The two only interacted a few times during that last year.

I had to laugh a few years ago because Will come to my apartment to talk to Peter about a case we were on. After Will left Peter said, "He's great! I don't remember him being so nice." Peter would have never said that during college. Peter never knew the fun loving, laid back side of Will that I knew. He was always seen as such a player and hard to get back then. Not many people knew the real Will. It's too bad because he was so great around kids. He could have been swept up my some really great women if he'd acted a little more mature."

"I guess I'd never thought about Will wanting kids. He never talked about it, and he certainly never dated any women who seemed the type to want some," Diane said, thinking back on the years she had known Will.

Alicia smiled. "He did want some. At least he did back then."

"Really?" Diane said, with a raised brow.

"Yes really. Not right then, not right after college, but eventually. He and I told each other things back then that no one else knew about." She paused for a moment as a memory crossed her mind.

"One time the two of us and some of our class mates went to a local homeless shelter to help out. We needed some community service time for a class we were taking. There were so many kids. It was so sad. But Will got right into it. He played ball with all of them. He performed funny magic tricks, like pulling a quarter out of a kid's ear. A quarter seemed like a million bucks to those kids. He told the funniest stories, and the kids loved it.

A few weeks later mid November of our third year we were studying. It was late, and the snow was falling. He asked if I would go for a walk with him. I thought he was crazy, but I agreed. Many times when we would walk places together he would do most of the talking. I was usually busy trying to keep different cases for different classes straight in my head. He'd talk about sports, the latest girl he was dating, or trying to date. Sometimes he would talk about his sister's. But on this occasion he was quiet which was not like him.

I soon realized I was the one doing all of the talking. I'd been telling him about my previous weekend with Peter. His mind was somewhere else that night. We walked in silence for a few minutes and then he stopped and looked at me. He asked if ever wanted to have a family. I assumed he was asking the question because he'd decided he really liked Tami's sister, who he had been dating, and was going to try and commit to a relationship for more than two weeks. So I answered honestly saying yes, and then turned the question back on him. He said, "I don't know, I used to think that some day I would like to have a wife, and maybe kids. But there is so much to do, and so many things I want to experience before I settle down. But maybe if I found the right person I would." I was a bit surprised at his answer, I almost jokingly said, "Well you let me know if you find that person, I would love to meet the women who could settle Will Gardner!" He looked a little stunned and hurt, but smiled back and said very seriously, "I will, you'll be the first to know." We continued walking and he changed the subject. As I've thought about that conversation recently I've realized he asked the question that night because he had wanted me to be the one to settle him."

Diane chuckled. "I enjoyed watching the woman who did settle Will Gardner. Even if it caused all kinds of issues at work, it did make me happy to know that he could switch from sixteenth most eligible bachelor, to a settled man."

Alicia smiled. "Well the outcome of that discussion is just another example of our bad timing. Two weeks later we had finals and all left for the holiday break. When we all came back he had broken up with Tami's sister. He probably would have tried to get more serious with me then, but Peter and I had gotten more serious over the break. What if it was really Will I was supposed to be with? What if I made the wrong choice?"

Diane looked at her very seriously, "Then it's very possible you would be a widow with fatherless children now. And knowing you and Will, you would have waited some years before having any children after college. They would probably be much younger than Zach and Grace are now."

Alicia took her words to heart realizing how heartbreaking it would be for Zach and Grace if Peter was gone. She bit her lip in an attempt to swallow the emotions of the thought.

"Did you and Will ever date officially?"

Alicia looked up as she pondered the question. "No, not officially. We became more serious for a few months our second year, but we just liked to be with each other. We were to busy having fun to get really serious. We dated other people, but we were really close friends. Anyone we dated had to accept that Will and I were friends, and we weren't going to quit being friends just because we were dating other people. We had our quiet intimate moments every once in awhile."

"So you slept with each other periodically?"

"Only a few times, I think we were afraid of what that would do to our relationship. We didn't want to ruin what we had." Alicia pondered for a moment.

"Our first kiss is kind of a funny story," she said, relaxing back into the soft cushions on the sofa. "It was a night near Halloween during our second year. We had just finished a movie. It was a scary movie. I had jumped several times, and by the time the movie was over I had snuggled my body very close to his. He started teasing me. "I'm going home now so that the scary investigator can come and get you." She laughed at the thought.

"I was really scared, and begged him to stay. He thought it was so funny. He said, "Okay Leesh I'll stay, but only if you kiss me." So I said, "I can do that, just please don't go," and I kissed him. Then we sat in silence for a few minutes, because we had just crossed a relationship line and we didn't quite know what to do next. I think Will did the only thing he could think of, which was to start tickling me. He found it so funny, all of my squirming around to get free from his hands. I hated it. The more I tried to get away the tighter he held on. And before I knew it we were looking right at each other, and he was lying on top of me so I couldn't squirm away." Alicia paused for a moment to recall the memory more vividly.

_"Leesh"_

_"Yes Will?"_

_ "Do you want too…" _Alicia remembered vividly their bodies getting closer and closer, the kissing becoming more and more intense. And then how their first kiss had turned into one of the few times they slept together.

She turned back to Diane. "Things did change that night, even though we pretended they hadn't. There was always something more to the relationship after that night, something that was still there fifteen years later. Something that I don't think will ever die. Something that we renewed with more intensity a few years ago."

"Your thing three years ago wasn't just an affair was it?"

Alicia looked away. "As much as I like to tell myself it was just an affair, I can't deny there was more to it than that."


	8. Georgetown and a Baby

"So explain to me how this obviously close relationship with Will, leads to you sleeping with Peer, and getting pregnant?"

"I…" Alicia has to stop and consider this question. She looks at Diane and sighs, then stands up and starts to pace again.

"Alicia Florrick speechless, I never thought I would see the day!" Diane says smiling. But then tears start to form in Alicia's eyes.

"Alicia, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

Alicia takes a deep breath, "It's okay, it's not that, it's just that I know I really hurt Will when that happened and… in order to understand that you have to know how gentle, sweet, and loving Will was back then."

"Just back then?" Diane says, with a raised brow.

"Recently too, but that's beside the point. Peter and Will both showed their love in different ways. I had feelings for both of them. That made Peter very competitive, and insecure. It didn't seem to faze Will, at least that he led on anyway. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, I can see that."

"Will was the king of the little things. Nothing he did had to be big or fancy, it was just his way. He wasn't out to impress me with fancy dates, and expensive gifts. Yes, he was a flirt, but he just had a big heart. He just wanted to have fun. He could be serious when he needed too."

"That sounds like the Will I knew. And you don't get to be a name partner at a top law firm by screwing around," Diane said. They both smile. Diane stands and joins Alicia at the window. A heavy snow had begun to fall.

"Can we have some coffee please? My lack of sleep is catching up to me," Alicia said.

"Sure lets head to the kitchen, and I will make some."

"I can help you clean up that wonderful meal as well," Alicia said.

As they clean up the last of the dishes Alicia turns to Diane. "Thank you again! The food was great, and I really needed to talk with someone."

"You're welcome! I've had an enjoyable evening! Now continue with this Georgetown era."

Alicia smiled. "I can't believe you want to know all of this!"

"Alicia this is the most entertained I've been in weeks!"

Alicia laughs slightly as they make their way back ot the living room and get comfortable on the sofa again. Alicia takes a sip of her coffee before continuing.

"Everything Will did had a purpose. The way he and Peter courted, for lack of a better term, was completely different. Will, would leave me notes of good luck for exams in places he knew I would find them. Peter would just ask how it went. Will would bring me coffee in the mornings to help me wake up. I am not a morning person." Alicia laughs. "Peter, well Peter isn't a morning person either.

Will would still a kiss when ever he could get away with it, but he was very private about it. For instance, I loved to watch him play baseball partially because he loved it so much. Whenever I went to watch him I took a book to read if I got bored. It was so fun to see the pure joy in his eyes when he was pitching. He practiced whenever he could get a chance. Sometimes I would go, no he would drag me with him, to watch him practice late in the evenings! We would go to the practice field, and he would throw pitch after pitch. After awhile he would come and sit by me in the bleachers. I think he dragged me with him some nights just so I would get some fresh air! One night he asked what I thought. I told him it looked great. He just laughed because I had no clue what a good pitch looked like compared to a bad one. Then he said, "Someday Leesh, I will be in the majors!" He had the cheesiest grin on his face when he talked about it.

I replied, "Lawyer by day, Pitcher by night!"

He laughed, "No lawyer is just the back up plan. My plan B. Will you come watch me if I make it to the majors?"

"Of course, I wouldn't miss it!" I said. Then he grabbed my hand, and pulled me out onto the field. I protested, but only a little. Once we were out on the field he said, "I am going to teach you haw to throw a ball." Of course it was just one of many ways to get closer to me." Alicia rolls her eyes.

"He spent probably twenty minutes showing me how to throw a few pitches. I tried, but was terrible at it. He loved it. He would try over and over again standing right behind me, arms wrapped around my left arm. I think that was part of the problem. I am left handed and he was not. After awhile he brought my arm down turned me towards him, and planted a kiss on my lips. Then he said, "Being a lawyer should be your plan A. Baseball should not be your plan B, or C!" Both women chuckle. "But that was how Will was with his affection towards me. Always gentle and he never showed it when anyone else was around. Sometimes Will and I would be studying at the library, I would go look for a case we needed to read, and he would sneak up behind me. He scared me to death sometimes." Alicia says shaking her head.

"You know how quiet and large law libraries are? He would come up behind me and put his arms around me pretending to help me look for the book we needed. Once we found it he would grab it, turn me around and kiss me. Then he would state it was my reward for finding what we needed."

Peter on the other hand didn't care who was watching when he kissed me, especially if Will was around. He wanted everyone to know I was his." Alicia shook her head. "They never got along, not really. Peter didn't mind Will being around at first, but as time went on it bothered him more than he would let on. The last time Peter visited our third year they grew to really dislike each other."

"Well, some things never change. I don't know about Peter, but Will really had issues with him even after you left LG."

Alicia takes another sip of her coffee, and smiles. "Well Peter's feelings were mutual."

"Will stole kisses from you at work too, didn't he?" Diane smiles, and Alicia blushes a bit. "Don't deny it. He always looked at you with wanting eyes. guarded but wanting!"

"I don't know what you are talking about!" Alicia, smiles, and takes another sip from her mug looking away from Diane.

"Uh huh!" Diane said, doing her best to hold back a laugh.

"That was Will. He never wanted the spotlight. He was always the guy in the background holding everything together." Alicia sighs, "kind of like Eli. If I was sick Will would drop everything, and come take care of me. It was almost suffocating some times. One time I got the flu, the worst I have ever had. Looking back it was hysterical! Will showed up at my apartment with a medical mask on, medicine, and food in hand. "This is what you get for not sleeping enough, and studying so hard." He said.

"It's your fault I stay up too late." I had protested.

"Well then I better be the one to make you well again. I wouldn't want it to get out that I make women ill!" Alicia rolls her eyes again. "He was so funny! He stayed at my place for three days until I was better. He went to class, but that was it. It was nice to have someone to take care of me. He wouldn't let me do a thing. He said I needed to rest. He wouldn't even let me read. He insisted he read any class work that needed reading. He made me chicken noodle soup, and sat on my couch next to me, and rubbed my back for hours. I am amazed he didn't get sick."

"Peter, on the other hand tried to help when I was sick, but he always had too much to do, even when we were married. He cared, and he did his best, but it wasn't the same as Will.

Will always knew if I was down. And if I was he made it his business to cheer me up, even if we hadn't seen each other for a few days. Out of nowhere he would walk up to me and say, "so what's going on, you aren't happy?" He would tell me a joke, or take me for ice cream, just to get me to smile. The best thing he did was just listen to me. He would let me rant for hours… kind of like what your doing now!"

Diane smiles. "Alicia its fine. I don't mind, and if talking can help you get through this, then that is what you need to do."

"Thanks Diane, I sincerely mean that." Alicia sighs, then gets up and walks around.

"Peter was the opposite of Will. Dates were many times extravagant, and so were the gifts. Peter came from money. Not that that mattered, but I liked being pampered. I liked the way Peter held himself. I always knew he could be a great politician. That was always his plan, and like I said, he was the marrying type." Alicia ponders for a moment.

"Will was too I suppose, just in different ways. But once Peter decided he wanted me to be his, he made it his mission to prove to Will that he could win me. That Holiday break our third year was amazing. Peter was a gentleman. He took me to nice restaurants; we went to a Bull's game. His father was a Judge. You should have seen the New Year's party held at his house. Peter and I could talk for hours, just like Will and I. I loved hearing about Peter's future political plans. He wanted to be President you know? At least he liked talking about it. Peter is not all bad like he's been made out to be the past few years. Deep down somewhere he does have a good heart. He gets misguided, and has done some very idiotic things, but he was a good person.

Back then he had all kinds of good ideas on how to make a difference. I think I wanted that too, and figured Peter was a great way to have a piece of that. Peter brought clarity, and plans, which I thrive on…" Alicia bites down on her lip. "But now he has thrown all of that sway. There won't be any political come backs this time."

"Alicia what else did he do?" Diane sits back, arms folded.

"No Diane… I can't talk about it right now I am to upset right now for letting him lead me on the past six years. In the back of my mind, and heart I wanted to believe that Peter was still the man I married. But now I know he's not, and that really stings. It really hurts. I guess I just pictured myself with someone like Peter all those years ago. By the time Will was really ready to make his move, Peter had come in and swept me off my feet.

We came back from the holiday break, and Peter and I were a more serious, a couple. And Will had had his break up. Presumably so he could get more serious with me. Will and I began to drift apart our last semester. We were still friends. He would still come over occasionally. We still talked a whole lot. But the day I told him I was engaged, and pregnant, well I didn't see him after that. I will never forget that day, or the look on his face when he said good bye."

"Oh my word, you told him both of those things on the same day?" Diane says shocked.

Alicia turns to look at her. "Yes, I am not anywhere near the saint I've been made out to be these past few years. It was terrible, but that's how it happened. Peter asked me to marry him a few weeks after graduation. Will left for Italy about a week after graduation. You know so he could "experience" some things before settling down." Alicia rolls her eyes, but then sighs. "I would have loved doing that…"

"Yes, I have heard about his adventures in Italy!"

"We didn't keep in touch while he was gone. When he came back he had a few weeks before he started at his new firm. So he flew to Chicago to see me. We hadn't talked since he left. He surprised me one afternoon by just showing up on my front doorstep. I was home sick, because well, graduation night had turned into a baby. I was so embarrassed. I insisted Peter and I get married as soon as possible. The wedding was only two weeks away when Will showed up. Thankfully Peter was at work when Will stopped by. As soon as he saw me he knew something was wrong. "Leesh, what's wrong? You look awful," he said. I was only nine weeks along, and aside from being sick I was terrified. Marriage, and a baby it was a little overwhelming at the time. I invited him in and we sat on the sofa.

I told him I had something to tell him. He looked so concerned, and he had no idea the kind of blow he was about to get." Tears start to form again and Diane hands her a tissue.

"I just blurted it all out right there in a matter of seconds. I told him Peter had asked me to marry him and that the wedding was in two weeks time. I could almost see his heart drop right then. "And you accepted?" he said, very guardedly.

"Yes, I did. I love Peter, and he loves me. We are getting married in two weeks." I told him. He sighed, and sat back on the couch, and was speechless for a minute. "Wow, I leave for seven weeks, and everything changes. Why so soon? You just graduated; you haven't even taken the Illinois bar exam yet?"

As if that wasn't enough of a blow for him I still had to tell him the real reason. I couldn't even look at him, I was heart broken too, not because of the baby, but because I knew how much telling him about the baby was going to hurt him. I finally managed to find the words to tell him. He didn't say anything for a few moments. After a minute I looked over at him, and he had this look of total shock, hurt, and sadness in his eyes. But then it was gone, and he smiled.

"I'm happy for you Leesh. I really am," he said in a very quiet tone. The thing is I know he really meant it. That is a perfect example of him putting my feelings before his own. Then he placed his hand on my knee and said, "That's why you're home right now, and are still in your pajamas isn't it? You don't feel well."

"I admitted it was the most sick I'd ever been, and that I hoped morning sickness really went away like all the books I'd read had said. He smiled, and of course asked if there was anything he could get me. He stayed for about thirty more minutes. He told me about Italy, but then Peter called and said he would be home soon. Will said he had to go. He said he was meeting up with some other friends from college for dinner. It was a lie, I could see it in his eyes, but I wasn't going to confront him on it. I'd just broken his heart, and I am sure the thought of seeing Peter was too much for him. He got up, gave me one last hug and said, "I hope you are happy Alicia. I really do." He looked down at my stomach and placed his hand over my bellybutton. "That kid is getting the best women I know for a mom." He withdrew his hand and as he walked out the door he turned and gave me one last smile. The smile that only he could give me, and then he was gone." Tears were falling down Alicia's cheeks once more, and even Diane's eyes were slightly wet.

"You didn't see him after that?" Diane asked.

"No, not for fifteen years. I was so busy with wedding plans, and baby plans, that I rarely had time to think about him. I did invite him to the wedding, but I knew he wouldn't come. He sent a gift with a note saying he couldn't get away. That made sense he had only been at his new firm for two weeks. Our lives took such different directions at that point we never re-connected."

"Wow, that is… just sad, I don't know what else to call it." The two share a few minutes of silence before Alicia begins talking again.

"Why did Peter cheat on me? Why did he go and find someone else to share his bed with? Why did he have to go and mess up our lives? He told me cheating didn't mean anything, that he had… lost his way. But there had to be a reason." Alicia's tears had changed to a hint of anger.

"Why did Will have to die? I need him now more than ever. But he isn't here. He's not here to make me laugh, or leave me a note, or to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright. He's not here to make me feel safe. I don't feel safe anymore."


	9. I Am Angry

"Alicia, I… I don't know. I can't answer those questions. I can't make that pain go away. You are going to have to find a way to make peace with this. I think the divorce will help as far as Peter is concerned. It will be a long road, but be honest, you may have separated physically from him a year ago, but you separated your feelings for him long before that." Diane said. Alicia nods in agreement.

"You gave your marriage your all. Marriage is work, constant work between two people. You put in the work. You tried for more years than most would. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, or to feel guilty about when it comes to your marriage. Whether you like or not, you really are Saint Alicia. You aren't the one who cheated first. You aren't the one who went to prison. You aren't the one who caused your face to be plastered or your name to be slandered all over the press."

"Diane stop" she says, a bit irritated, and bites down on her lip. "This is too hard to…" Alicia stands once again and moves across the room folding her arms across her chest.

"No Alicia, you need to hear this. You carry around all this guilt for things that aren't your fault. You're not the one who got to choose whether or not you would rejoin the workforce. You didn't get to choose when a client had information on your husband and used it to benefit themselves. It's not your fault things got so crazy while you and Will were together. It's not your fault Wendy Scott-Carr kept haunting our halls. It's not your fault Zach got his girlfriend pregnant."

"Diane" she looks at her with a deathly, but pleading look, just thinking, _Please just stop. Why won't she stop, leave Zach out of this._ Nonetheless she lets Diane continue, because deep down she knows she's right. She knows she has to hear this, and accept it. Even it hurts. It's one of the things she's admires in Diane, her honesty.

"And it's not your fault that Peter may or may not have bought his way into office. You said earlier today you didn't care anymore." Alicia looks at her with knowing, and guilty eyes.

"It's okay, you know what? You don't have to care anymore. Not about a lot of things anyway, and you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because, it's Peter's fault Alicia. Nearly every item on that list is due to something Peter did. It's his mess. You are not the one to blame. No one blames you. You are the one who blames yourself. And not caring anymore about all of that is your way of getting past it. It's your body and minds way of putting it behind you. You tried and conquered for longer than anyone should have too. It's commendable. Take a look at the women you are now, and pat your self on the back. All this mess you dealt with over the years has made you a better stronger person. You should be very proud of that, because the women who stepped into my law offices over six years ago, doesn't exist anymore. She was fantastic then, even if I wouldn't admit it, but she's fabulous now."

Alicia chuckles, "Well you're sure right about that."

"The point is you have had time to think about this, to process it, and to accept it. It's painful, but you've accepted it."

Alicia sighs, "Yes, you're right. I think I can accept that. But why can't I accept Will being gone? It's been a whole year. I told him once I thought we were keeping each other from moving on. He's still keeping me from moving on, and he isn't even here." She turned away from Diane.

"I think it's because you didn't have any time to prepare for that loss. A loss you didn't know would affect you so much. I can't bring him back. No one can. You feel like the only person that could get rid of this guilt, this void, is him. That is why this is so hard isn't it?"

"Yes" Alicia said softly. "Part of me feels like moving on would be cheating on him. And that scares me because he's gone. I should be able to move on, but I am afraid to love again. I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. You have always been so perceptive." Alicia smiles, and then sighs. "You don't have a psychology degree I don't know about do you?"

"No!" Diane chuckles.

"Well keep going. Let's get all of the skeletons out on the table for the second time in six months."

"Okay" Diane said, slightly confused. She didn't know about Alicia's opposition research meeting with Eli and Jonny Elfman six months earlier. "Other than the fact that you loved him, and never told him, and that you feel like you wasted time. You feel guilty about not fixing your relationship. And you're angry at both of you for not trying. You're not just angry at yourself your angry at him."

"Yes, so how do I get rid of the guilt and the anger?" She paused,

"Wait, what did you say?"

"Ah, that hasn't occurred to you yet has it? You're angry at Will too. You were angry about the way things were, the way he treated you before he was gone. You realized that. But it didn't occur to you that you're angry at him for leaving you here all alone. And you're angry he left you in the same set of circumstances you think you left him in as he took his last breaths."

_Alicia turned away for a moment. __What? I'm angry at him? __She thinks to herself. _She manages to keep her emotions under control as she turns to face Diane again.

"You're right. I am, I am angry at him. But I'm more angry at myself for not fixing things before he was gone. " She shakes her head.

"What if you knew he forgave you? What if you knew he loved you? And what if he was the one who told you? Would that help ease the pain, or would it make it worse?"

Alicia moves back to the couch. "I don't know where this is headed, and I don't know if I want to find out. I don't know if we had mended things, that this would be any easier. Maybe, but it's irrelevant." She slumps back against the soft pillows. Her emotional exhaustion starts to creep back in.

"We didn't "fix" things. What I do know, is that I loved him, and as you pointed out I am angry at him. Yes, I would have done things differently. Yes, I feel guilt, and regret, and emptiness, and anger for other reasons. Guilt for not telling him the real reason I left Lockhart Gardner. Regret for not enjoying all the time I had with him, for not mending the fences. I feel emptiness because… because I just plain miss him. He held a place in my heart I didn't even know existed. And then there is the anger. I'm angry at Peter for ruining everything. I'm angry at Jeffery Grant for killing Will, and taking him away from me. I'm angry at myself and Will. But like I said it's irrelevant. I keep having this dream of him dying. I can't get the image out of my head. The look on his face as he takes his last breaths it's so… awful. I wish I felt like he passed on with some peace, but I can't picture it. And I feel like it's my fault. But you're right. I think if I could get past the anger, it would make everything a little easier."

"I have something for you." Diane said, as she stood from the couch and moved over to the banquet on the other end of the room.

"You have something for me?" .

"Something I hope will help you move on. It's something that belonged to him, but it belongs to you now. And if I would have realized how much you were hurting I would have given it to you a long time ago." Diane moves back to the sofa.

Alicia can't tell what she's holding. It's small enough to fit in her hand. Then she hold out her hand to Alicia revealing a thumb drive.

"Here"

"What's that?"

"It's a thumb drive."

"Yes" she laughs, "I can see that, but why do I need it? And what does that have to do with Will?" she said, as she took it from Diane's hand.

"A few weeks after he died, I had to go through his laptop, to see if there were any files the firm needed before it was scrubbed clean, and given to someone else."

"Let me guess, someone like Lewis Canning?"

"Right"

"I couldn't have Will's work come back to bite me. I told you how crazy things got after you left. Will was trying to sign clients left and right. He was contacting people in New York, and L.A. to open up offices. I had to get a better picture of where the firm stood before David, and Lewis tried to kick me out, and take over. I was not going to go down without a fight."

"No, and you didn't!" Alicia said, with a chuckle.

"As I was going through things, I came across a file. It was titled Ms. Georgetown." Alicia listened intently, but didn't see how this had anything to do with her and Will, until Diane said Ms. Georgetown.

"He what?" she said, looking surprised. Diane smiled and then continued.

"I opened the file. I figured it had to have something to do with you. Honestly I thought it was file with more of his plans to backstab you. Since you and I were contemplating a merge I had to know if there were any issues I needed to address beforehand."

"Yes. That would have been a good way for him to hide it." Alicia smiles slightly and shakes her head. "So how bad was it?"

"It was nothing of the sort. It was a journal he had kept. There were dates all the way back to 2009. The last one was entered the day before he died."

Alicia didn't know quite how to process this. _Will kept a journal? About… what could it be about? He and I? He called me Ms. Georgetown, just like I called him Mr. Georgetown? The day before he died? I saw him that day it was almost a good moment. Do I want to read something he wrote so close to the end when he was still so bitter? _

"Alicia…" she's brought back out of her thoughts.

"Are you okay?" Diane said, looking concerned.

"Yes, I just…" She looked down at the object now resting in her hands.

"Why didn't you show this to me sooner?"

"I didn't feel like there was a good time, or if there ever would be a good time. You seemed like you had moved on. I didn't think it was relevant. Until today that is. I didn't know if I would ever need to give it to you. But I think you need it."

"Did you read it?" Alicia looked horrified at the thought of all the things Will could have written. Some very intimate things between the two of them.

"Just enough to know what it was. I read the last entry. You should start with that." Diane looked a little guilty now. "It belongs to you, and no one else. But before you read it I have a few things I need to confess. Just incase he mentions them. I want you to hear it from me first, and know my reasons for some of the things I did."

Alicia shook her head, "Diane, I don't know if I can take any more Will confessions today. I'm tired, and it's getting late."

"It will only take a few minutes. There are only two instances I feel I need to talk to you about."


	10. Confessions

**Chapter 10**

**Confessions**

"Am I going to have a problem being partners with you after I hear your "confessions?" Alicia said, settling back down on the sofa.

"No, I don't think so. I just think you need to know how… actually I think you need to know why a few decisions Will made in regards to you were, I think influenced by me."

"Okay then lets hear it."

"The first one has to do with the affair."

"Of course it does! Why do I feel like by the end of today all of my good memories of him will have been tainted by someone in some way?"

"I hope that isn't the case. Although I have to ask, how long had you two been together before the break up? Were you sleeping with him before you and Peter separated?"

"Those are pretty personal questions Diane," she said with a raised brow. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"I know, and if you don't want to say I understand," Diane said, reaching for her coffee mug. "I'm only curious because people suspected there was something going on from the day you started working for us. But that was just the office rumor mill running its course. I don't think many people knew, or even suspected when it was actually going on more consistently. You two even had me fooled for a few months!"

Alicia didn't say anything, so Diane continued.

"Alicia I feel like we are having a very honest conversation here and I have a few issues of my own I want put to rest. I'm asking because Will and I had more than one argument over his relationship with you. He always denied anything was going on up until Wendy started pursuing his bribery case. I just want to know the truth."

Alicia sighed. "You're right. I suppose it's only fair to let you get rid of some of the cobwebs as well, but I'm invoking the three question rule here!"

Diane chuckles. "That was a crazy case, but fine as long as you answer!"

Alicia set her mug back down on the coffee table. "Okay then it happened like I said, we had a few moments, but I would never let him pursue a relationship beyond that. I was married. We didn't get "intimate" until I separated from Peter. Now I get to ask a question."

"Sure"

"You and Will had arguments about me?"

"Yes, just a few times when I thought his feelings for you were affecting his judgment when it came to the firm."

"He never told me about any of that. Did I? Affect his judgment?"

"I'll never know for sure, but I think you maybe did once or twice."

Alicia turned her gaze from Diane.

"Alicia it's in the past, and everything turned out fine anyway. Now for the next question. Why did you separate from Peter the first time? I have always assumed that Will persuaded you to separate. That his charm finally got the better of you, and that you decided the best way to be with him without it looking bad, if it ever got out, was too separate. So am I right?"

"Ah, that was four questions!" They both laugh, and Alicia pulls her feet up under her. She takes a deep breath, and looks away fiddling with her fingers. "We separated because of Kalinda. Not just because of Kalinda, but that was the thing that pushed me over the edge."

"Kalinda?" Diane said surprised. "What could Kalinda have to do with you and Peter?" She pauses as a memory occurs to her.

"That's why things got so awkward between you two isn't it?"

"Yes, the night Peter was re-elected as State's Attorney I found out that he had slept with Kalinda when she had worked for him. They both said it was only one night, and that it didn't mean anything. But one night is one night. I was so hurt. It was one thing to have my husband pay for prostitutes, it was completely different to find out he had slept with my best friend, one of the only ones I had during that time. So the night of the election I moved Peter out. I went and rented an apartment for him, and had all of his things moved in. He and I haven't lived under the same roof since."

"Really?" Diane shook her head in disbelief. "And that's why you were so persistent with Patty Nyholm the following day."

"Yes, I was angry, and well tired, I'd been up all night. I had to get the frustration out somehow," she said smiling.

"Yes well, I recognized that same person arguing in court this morning."

"Well if you know me, I'm easier to read than it appears. So let's hear this confession."

"No, I have one more question first."

Alicia chuckled. "Albright, what is it?"

"Let me just say first that this has been very enlightening! Was it an easy decision to be with Will after that, or did it take time?"

"It took some time. We were all so busy the next while. My life after that consisted of making sure the kids were okay with the separation, working the crazy hours we do, and doing my best at keeping the separation from as many people as possible, especially the press." Diane nods

"Early in the spring Will and I found ourselves together at a bar in a hotel after the Judge Elerby trial." She paused as her memories of that night came to mind.

"Will asked me what it would look like if we had good timing, just for an hour. I am pretty sure he knew about the separation by then. And I… well I was separated, and ready to do what I wanted to for a change. With the help of a little alcohol and that smile of his it didn't take much to convince me!" She smiled and shook her head. "When we went to the front desk to get a room, and the hotel was booked."

"You two really did always have bad timing. That's unbelievable!"

"I know, the only thing they had available was the Presidential suite, which came with a pretty high price tag."

"You didn't?"

"Well I didn't, he did! We were being spontaneous, and doing what we wanted. And well, the rest is history."

Diane smiled, but then got a serious look on her face. "Alicia..."

"Diane its okay, I promise I won't hate you for whatever it is you need to say."

"I found out Will was being investigated about a week before you two split up. Wendy came to the office to talk to him, but he was in court with you on that military drone case. So she talked to me instead."

Alicia rolled her eyes. "Of all the people I have ever met, Wendy is at the top of my "avoid at all costs list". She was really out of control when she questioned me during Will's grand jury hearing."

"She was with everyone. It was clear to me that she was going to do what ever she could to prosecute Will, even if that meant implicating me and the firm in the process. There was a reason your husband put her in charge of his team. He was going to take Will down at any cost, but make it appear as if he'd kept his hands clean. He wasn't going to lose you without a fight."

"Yes, great example of Peter screwing my life up again without me even knowing until it was too late. What does this have to do with you and me, and Will?"

"After I talked to Wendy, I talked with Will. He thought the investigation was winding down. But things were just picking up. I told him he had to break things up between you two. I pretty much threatened him. I couldn't let Wendy take the firm down. A few days later Will broke things off. I was watching from my office." Diane turned away. "I am sorry Alicia I don't think he would have done it if I hadn't said anything. I've felt guilty ever since. Before you got there he seemed so nervous. He was pacing back and forth. I try not to pry, but I saw the embrace between you two. My heart almost sank then, but then I saw the look on both of your faces when you walked out of his office, and I felt even worse. It had to be done, but I felt awful. Being the referee of a firm isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Alicia shook her head. "Diane you don't have anything to feel guilty for. Will isn't the one who broke things off."

Diane turned back to her in disbelief. "What?"

"I was the one who broke it off that day, not him." She got quiet again. "Things had gotten so hectic, so complicated. And then Grace disappeared, it was too much. I had too much on my plate, and my relationship with Will was the thing I had to sacrifice. I don't know if he was going to break things off that day. If he was I didn't give him the chance. So don't feel guilty about that. That was my decision."

"I don't know what to say. Although it explains why when I went in to talk to him after, and I said to him, "she'll get over it" he looked so beaten, and then said in a depressed voice, "yep, she will" He knew you would move on, but he wouldn't. He didn't want too."

The two women sat in silence for a few moments.

"Okay, well that was a depressing walk down memory lane. What else do you have up your sleeve?" Alicia said, with a slight smile.

Diane wasn't sure if she wanted to tell Alicia her next confession, but she knew she had to. "I am the one who told Will you were leaving the firm that morning. I'd grown suspicious. You had stopped decorating your new office three weeks earlier. I had lunch with a client the previous day and she all but told me you were starting your own firm. I connected the dots, and I told Will."

Alicia looks away as a thought comes to mind. _Three weeks earlier, three weeks earlier was the night Will and I kissed for the last time. _

She turned back to Diane and raised her voice slightly. "What the… Diane he probably thought the kiss we had the night of the election didn't mean anything. That I was just leading him on. That's probably why he came at me like he did."

"Maybe, I don't know. It's my fault he blew up at you, and said all of those horrible things." Diane continued without letting Alicia cut in.

"It's partly my fault you're hurting so much now. I am so sorry." Alicia didn't say anything for a moment attempting to gather her thoughts, and emotions.

"Don't say anything, let me explain." Diane said. "Will was upset with me. You knew that, and I was hurt. I had put so much into that firm. It was my whole life, I was loyal to Will. I wasn't going to leave him with such a mess. Alicia my emotions were all over the place that day. Kurt and I had just been married an hour before I came into the office that day. I didn't want to come into work that day. I was bitter. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a vacation. But that day, of all days, I deserved to have off. Then not even five minutes after I got to the office I found you in my office surprised to even see me there. And then you said "I thought you were gone". It made me furious. After all I had done for you, for Cary, for the firm. I felt like I was just being brushed aside. And you were going behind our backs. You were a partner you had a fiduciary responsibility to the firm. I am a rule follower Alicia, just like you. And I felt like Will deserved to know what was going on.

Alicia put her hands over her face in an attempt to remain calm. That day changed everything. And reliving it brought up a lot of bitterness and hurt. "Diane I can't…"

"Let me finish, then you can say what ever you want. I had no idea he was going to treat you so badly. I was surprised at how he lashed out at you. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve to be his breaking point. He was so upset, he was losing me, and then he finds out he was losing you. It was too much for him, but I don't think he knew how else to react. After I told him, I thought he would come and discuss it with you civilly. I thought he would let you explain. I knew it wasn't going to end well, but I thought it would end with you and Cary turning in resignation letters.

You have to know that when he called for the first partner vote, I almost didn't vote with them. I knew the possible consequences if I did vote with them. The main one being that I would probably lose the judgeship. But I was still stunned at Will's behavior. I didn't really want to condone such behavior, but I realized if I didn't vote with them, and I lost the judgeship things would be ugly for me as well. And I really was upset at you and Cary." She stopped for a moment and Alicia turned back to her.

"Then he made you walk past everyone to get to the elevator. I couldn't believe that either. That was wrong Alicia, it was spiteful, and humiliating, and he shouldn't have done it. The way you held yourself that morning was remarkable. I gained even more respect for you that day, even if I was upset. If I could go back to that day I would do it differently. I would have come to you myself, and hopefully we could have handled it better."

Alicia stood and paced some in the room continuing to gather her thoughts and a good way to respond. She stopped and turned to face Diane. "I have horrible memories of that morning. I held it together, but Will crushed me that morning."

"I know, and I'm so sorry."

Alicia looked down then as a few tears fell, but then returned her gaze to Diane. "I know. You, me, Will, Cary, we were all responsible for the way things happened that day. If anyone is to blame it's me. I wanted to tell both of you sooner. But Cary and the others wanted to wait for their bonuses. I should have found the time, but honestly I was terrified. I knew the consequences of leaving. I just couldn't face it. And Will had asked me to be the new name partner with him."

"He had what?"

"I assumed you knew about that."

"No"

"He did, and the offer was very appealing. I hadn't given him an answer. I'm sure he just assumed I would take it. Part of me wanted to so badly. For one thing it was much easier than starting a new firm. Secondly, I had realized I had true feelings for him. But making the decision to take his offer meant I would have to change some things. It meant I would have to divorce Peter. I couldn't work next to Will everyday as his partner, and pretend we didn't have feelings for each other. To actually break off my marriage, would have been a hard decision at the time. The more I thought about that the more complicated it got. I just… In the end I decided the best thing to do was to leave. I never… If I would have stayed, the divorce would have just happened a year sooner. You would be a judge. Will and I could be together. I would have been on the Jeffery Grant case." More tears begin to fall. "Maybe the case would have gone differently. Maybe he wouldn't have shot me. I'm the one who ruined everyone's dreams."

"You didn't know Peter was going to do what he's done. And Jeffery probably would have still grabbed the gun. You're right, we, the four of us are all to blame. You did what you thought was best, I did what I thought was best. Let's just leave it at that okay. We can't go back now."

Alicia grabbed a tissue and wiped her tears away, "Okay, apology accepted, and I am sorry too."

"I know, and it's okay." Diane stood and went over to her. They embraced for a quick moment.

"I can't cry anymore today," Alicia said. "I should really be going. It's late, and I don't want the snow to get worse before I get home Thank you so much Diane, for everything. For dinner, for talking, for the thumb drive. I actually feel a lot better. Like there is a light at the end of the tunnel again." She moved towards the large accent chair in the corner where her purse and coat were.

"I've had a good evening as well, but Alicia I think you should take some time off. I can't force you too. But I think it would be a good idea to take a few days. You need some rest. You need to talk to Grace, and Zach."

"I can't there's to much work to do. And there is a good chance Peter is going to be arrested tomorrow. I need to stay on top of that"

Diane moved over to her. "All the more reason for you to take a break and stay away from the firm, and the press. You can work from home a few hours a day if you need to. There isn't that much that needs to be done next week as far as work goes anyway. But what you really need to do is something for yourself. Do something you enjoy. Go shopping, and don't look at the price tags. Go run. Go to the spa. I know we don't have much time to even think about what we would do if we had a spare minute, but think of something. And after you've done that, go somewhere with that thumb drive and your laptop, somewhere quiet. If there's someplace quiet where you and Will liked to be, then go there. If not, stay at home. Once you're there call Zach and Grace tell them not to worry if they can't get a hold of you for a day, or however long you need. Grace won't be home until Tuesday anyway. Then turn your phone off. Anything anyone might need from you can wait for a day. Then enjoy your time with Will. You have your memories, and now you have some of his.

Take back some of that lost time, some of those lost moments. Feel what you wanted to feel, but were to scared to feel. Live in those moments again, this time without worry, and without guilt. Say what you always wanted to say to him. My guess is he said a lot of things he wanted to say to you in those files. Let it be the two of you without all the distractions. Make those memories what they should have been. Do that and I think you'll be able to move on. Like I said earlier, you don't have to forget him. You just need to feel some peace and comfort when you think about him instead of guilt and regret."

"But what if there are things in there, that…"

"There probably are going to be some things in there that are hard to swallow. But that's how all relationships are. And don't you think you'll feel better knowing exactly what he was thinking, instead of guessing?" Alicia sighed knowing Diane was right.

Diane walked over to the door. "Alicia, you know you can count on Cary and me. There are lots of other people who care about you too. You don't have to get through this mess alone. We will help you through this. You just have to let us. And remember I read the last entry. It will be okay,' she said smiling. "Everything will be okay."

Alicia pulled on her coat and grabbed her purse. "Why don't you just tell me what the last entry says?"

"Because you need to hear it from him," Diane said, as she pulled open the door.

"Okay. Thank you Diane, for everything."

"You're welcome. Drive safely."

"I will." She moved past Diane and hurried to her car in the falling snow.

As she drives home her main focus was on the road, but there was plenty of noise running through her head.

_Diane's right. I need a break. I'm so tired, and I have had this headache all day that just won't go away. But what about Peter? The press will be all over. All the more reason to stay away from work for a few days. The press here we go again. How will Zach and Grace handle this? I'm so sorry kids. You didn't ask for any of this. Neither did I. I still feel so empty. I just want to stop thinking for awhile. A journal? Wow that seems so unlike him. Go someplace quiet where you and he liked to be. I don't know where that would be Diane. His apartment? That won't work. That restaurant across town? No, quiet but too public. The park near his apartment? Too cold. My apartment? No, too many memories of other people there, and too many memories. In his arms… impossible. _

She sighed as she parked the car. _I'll sleep on it, decide tomorrow. _

She walked into the quiet apartment and put her bag and keys down. She was more than a little curious as to what is on the thumb drive. Exhaustion was going to win over curiosity for the night. The day had been too long, too hard, too hurtful just like a year ago. As she climbed into bed and started to drift off to sleep, she felt somewhat at peace for the first time in two days. Knowing that she now had a part of him that she could hold onto forever was comforting. Her eyes closed, and she fell into a deep sleep. Sleep she hadn't experienced since that last kiss sixteen months prior.


	11. Closing Argument

As she begins to wake from her sleep the next morning, she felt like she'd slept the sleep of the dead. She didn't think she'd moved the entire night. It seemed as though every muscle in her body had relaxed.

The bright morning sun was filtering through the windows as she opened her eyes. It was beautiful outside. Everything had been covered with a fresh blanket of snow. She turned and looked at the clock on the side table it read 10:00 am. She couldn't believe she'd slept so long. She felt rested for the first time in, well she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this rested. Her headache had gone, but now her neck hurt. Chalking the pain up to sleeping in the same position for hours she got out of bed, and headed to the kitchen to make some coffee.

As she sipped the warm liquid she gazed out the window at the fallen snow and noticed how it glistened in the sunlight on the tree branches. She remembered waking up to a view like this a few years earlier.

"_Good morning" Will said, his dark eyes gazing into hers._

"_Hi, what are you doing?"_

"_I'm watching the sunlight reflect off your perfect skin. It snowed last night. The extra light makes your skin sparkle. I was watching you sleep, and loving every minute of it."_

"_Just how long have you been awake, "watching" me for Gardner?" _

"_Long enough to burn this image of you into my mind forever." He smiled at her like no other person on earth could. "I started some coffee, and came back to bed before the sheets got cold. It's freezing right now. You should turn up the heat."_

"_Oh, I can turn up the heat," she said, leaning over and kissing him passionately. _

_Awhile later, they were laying next to each other her head resting on his chest. "Let's just lay here forever, just like this," he said. _

"_We can't," she said with a sigh. _

"_Just for today," he commented. She smiled up at him. They continued to lay there enjoying the closeness for a long period, but finally made their way out of bed and moved to the kitchen. Alicia filled two mugs with coffee. They stood drinking their coffee next to each other gazing out the window at the new fallen snow. He wrapped an arm around her waist._

"_It's beautiful isn't it?" she said. _

"_Yes, it is." He put his mug down, and wrapped his other arm around her, embracing her with his whole body. She loved the way he could wrap her up, and make her feel safe. He leaned in and whispered into her ear. "You are beautiful, and I wish we could wake up like this every morning." He began placing soft kisses along her neck and eventually made his way to her lips. _

She remembered how peaceful and comforting that morning had been with his arms wrapped around her. She gazed out the window for a few more minutes, and then it hit her. She knew the perfect place to go to read that thumb drive. _"Don't worry about the price tags."_ Diane had said the night before. She smiled at the thought, and then showered and dressed in some comfortable clothes for the day. She just hoped her plan would work.

She turned on the television in her room. She needed to know if she should be expecting the press to be camped outside her building at any moment. But all was quiet on that front. She breathed a sigh of relief as she packed an overnight bag. As she looked into the mirror while putting on her makeup she noticed her tired eyes, but there was a new sparkle in them today that hadn't been there for a long time. She moved to the front room as she pulled out her phone to call Grace and Zach.

The call took awhile, as she suspected it would. She had to briefly explain the situation their father has gotten into. They were hurt, and somewhat angry. She could tell by the tone of their voices. She wished she were with them to help them through the initial shock, but there wasn't anything she could do other than encourage them from miles away. She was grateful that at least they were together. "It will be better for you to be away the next few days with the press," she told them. Zach had spring break the following week and would be flying home with Grace on Tuesday. Once they got home she could hold them, and do all the comforting and explaining they needed. She didn't mention the new sibling they were going to have in a few months. That could wait until they were home. She told them not to worry, and how much she loved them. Once off the phone, she grabbed her things and left the apartment.

As she drove, she found herself feeling excited and nervous. It would be good to know what Will had thought, and was feeling. She didn't imagine that the entries would be long, or that there could possibly be many of them. _It's so unlike him._ She thought as she pulled up to her destination.

As she walked through the lobby of the hotel she was overcome with emotion. She hadn't been here for nearly four years. Yet the décor was the same, the smell of lobby was the same. This was the place where things had really changed for them. It was the place that sent their life's trajectory together into a completely different direction. She smiled to herself as she walked towards the reception desk. The same gentleman, who sat at that piano four years ago, was the same one sitting there now, an ironic coincidence.

_What are the odds of that? _She thought to herself. _One in a million I bet. _

She walked up to the hotel clerk. "Is the Presidential Suite available for tonight?"

"Um, yes" The clerk looked a bit surprised. "Did you want to reserve it for the night?"

"Yes"

"How many room keys will you be needing?"

"Just one."

The clerk ran her card, and then handed the room key to her.

"Thank you"

"Enjoy your stay, and please let us know if there is anything you need."

Alicia nodded then turned and walked to the elevators. As she stepped inside memories of how that first night had begun ran through her mind.

_I was so nervous. I couldn't believe what I was about to do. But he was wonderful. So gentle so subtle. We finally had good timing. That first kiss was unbelievable. It was as if our lips had never touched before, and once they did we couldn't get enough of it. _

She stepped off the elevator and walked down the hall to the room wishing he were there with her again. As she went to swipe the room key she smiled and shook her head.

_He was so excited. He couldn't get the room key in the right direction._

She opened the door and stepped inside. She was struck by how light the room was. The floor to ceiling windows let in the sunlight, showing a warm contrast to the dark wood floors. The plush rugs and rich fabrics in creams, and muted blues looked incredible against the skyline. It was modern, but had a hint tradition. She'd never had a chance to see it in full daylight. She had left before the sun had risen that morning. The view outside was just as breathtaking as she'd remembered it.

She'd forgotten how large the space was. There was a full living and dining room, small kitchen and study area. She set her things on the couch and walked down the short hall. There was a smaller second bedroom. And around the corner was the master suite. It held a king size bed, with the softest bed linens she'd ever felt. There was a plush chaise in the corner near the large window overlooking the city. She sat on the bed for a few minutes remembering that night, and how near perfect it had been. She could almost feel him next to her. A few tears escaped her eyes and thought maybe this hadn't been such a good idea, coming to a place filled with so many memories.

_I miss you so much Will. The memories are so vivid here. _A few minutes later she took a few deep breaths and wiped away the tears. She went back out to the living room having decided she would sit on the big comfy couch with the chaise to begin. She pulled off her boots, set a few bottles of water on the end table, and pulled out her laptop. She put the thumb drive in, and pulled up the file.

She hesitated for a minute before clicking the file open. This was just like opening that last voicemail from him had been. _Well here goes nothing. _She thought as she clicked it open. She was surprised at how many entries there were. Dozens and dozens dated back to 2009 just like Diane had said. She shook her head in disbelief.

"_Read the last entry first," Diane had said. "Because you need to hear it from him." Do I really want to know what some of his last thoughts of me were before I read the rest? Do I want to know if this story ends happily? Isn't that cheating? It's like reading the last chapter in a book after reading the first just so you'll know how it ends._

She paused and looked around the room briefly. _ Logic gets put aside this time. I'm starting with the end. Please let this be good. Please don't let this break my heart all over again. _

_**March 5, 2014**_

_A few months ago, after Alicia left the firm, I thought I would give up on writing within these files. I was so angry, and hurt. As far as I was concerned there would never be anything between us again. No reason to write. But recently there has been a string of events, and cases, that have turned my thoughts to he and the future. It would be easier to leave our ties severed, leave things as they are between us, but I fear I would regret that decision in time. _

_She seems to be making some effort at calming the waters between us - she's definitely the bigger person than I am. Of course she is the one that started this ridiculous feud. I've tried for so many months now to put her out of my mind, to forget all of the memories. I've tried to forget the sweet scent of her hair, the taste of her lips, how it feels to be close to her. But she has left a scar on me that will never completely go away. _

_She showed up in court today, during the middle of the trial I'm on now. I was irritated at first. She told me my client's parents had called her for a second opinion on their son's case. Here was another client her firm would potentially poach. Before I had a chance to argue, she told me she just wanted me to know. It caught me off guard, I was expecting another ember to be placed on the burning fire between us, but that isn't what happened at all. We were even able to share a few moments of civil conversation, something that has barely existed in recent months._

_I hate to admit it, but I think leaving the firm was good for her. She's changed, we both have. It's clear she's controlling her own destiny now, and that will be better for her in the long run. _

_After having Alicia on my mind on and off during the day, and having drinks with Kalinda tonight, I've figured a few things out. The reality is that I will never be able to get Alicia off my mind, not completely. I've tried for months now, and it's time to do something about it. No matter the outcome, it's time to get it all out in the open and see where the cards fall. If it doesn't work out, at least I'll rest easier knowing I did everything I could to make myself clear. _

_That clarity is that I think I've finally found it in me to forgive her. No matter how hard I've tried to hate her, to save both of us from more heartache, I'm incapable of it. The truth is I still love her. I've loved her for half my life, and it's time to tell her. _

She stopped reading, her eyes moist. She wrapped her arms around herself wanting someone to hold her, but there wasn't anyone there. _You forgive me? _The relief that overcame her caused her tears to flow freely. Of all the things that had caused her grief after his death, it was the fact that she had never been allowed to tell him she was sorry. To know that he forgave her meant the world.

_There are things in life we all end up regretting. I regret the way I treated her the day I found out she was leaving. I had every right to be angry, but I wish I could take back some of the things I said to her that day. I saw the hurt in her eyes after I yelled at her, but I was so blinded by anger that I didn't care, and it was wrong. I vowed years ago that I would never hurt her, and I did that day. We both hurt the other. I'd be willing to bet that hurt was due to our shared mutual feelings. Mutual feelings that likely terrified her. She all but told me a few weeks before she left, she didn't know what to do about us, and Peter. _

_She may not share these feelings of love anymore, and that's a risk I'm going to have to take. I can't let another day go by without telling her exactly how I feel. Tomorrow I am calling her, and we are going to meet. Not the next day, not in a few weeks, tomorrow. We are going to have the talk we should have had years ago. I'm going to tell her everything. Exactly how I feel. In the end, if things don't work out, at least she'll know that she'll always be loved by me. That I'll always remember our time together, and that she will always hold a place in my heart. _

_There it is - my closing argument._

She could barely breathe as she read the last paragraph. _His last call… He was going to… That call would have changed our whole lives. One more day, we just needed one more day. _She set the laptop down and got up to walk around while she processed these thoughts. She paused and stared blankly out the window. _Just one more day… and we could have set things right. _


	12. The Beginning

She sat in the stillness and quiet of the room, breathing deeply taking in how much more at peace she felt having read some of his final thoughts of her. She realized now that she felt like she hadn't really breathed in over a year. Like she'd been holding her breath, and nearly suffocating for months. But the air was beginning to fill her lungs again. Not completely, but it was getting easier. .

_I wish we would have had that conversation in person._ She thought._ I should have let you in a long, long time ago. But Will, I was scared. You were right, I was terrified. I was worried about all the consequences to everything if I chose you. I loved Peter. We were making it work again. I thought anyway. And I was not about to put Zach and Grace through a divorce if it wasn't necessary. But the way things were after he and I separated the first time. Things never went back… It was never a real marriage again. We were practically living like a divorced couple anyway. We just didn't have the piece of paper to show for it. _

_So I would have loved to have had that conversation with you. It would have been good, and honest. No more skirting around the subject. That would have been a very exceptional moment, hours of exceptional moments I would imagine. I'm just so relieved to know you died with some sort of reconciliation and that you didn't die hating me. That in fact you loved me again. I loved you so much, and I'm sorry it took you dying to make realize how much. Withyou gone, it stopped me from running from my true feelings. It's time to stop running. I wish you were here to be by my side through all of this. _

She turned back to her laptop and scrolled through all the files opening the one labeled 2009.

**August 5, 2009**

I can't believe who I ran into today. Alicia Florrick, Leesh, a name that hasn't crossed my lips in fifteen years. I ran away all those years ago. It was too hard and painful to watch the women, the only women I have ever really loved, step into a life that held little room for me.

Today I was headed to some depositions across the loop. I thought I recognized her, but brushed it off at first. I couldn't figure why she would be in the building anyway. But then I just had to know. My heart started beating so fast I had to follow. Crazy how after all these years she could still have the same affect on me she had in college. I haven't felt that rush for so long. But then it hit me like a flood. I started running towards the elevators. I almost missed her. I had to stop the door from closing. But there she was Leesh, standing three feet in front of me after so many years, and all the memories came rushing back like a ton of bricks.

Alicia shook her head. _ They did for me too. What were the chances of us meeting that day? Seeing you saved my life, literally. I didn't even know how much it would save me. There were never truer words than, "things always happen for a reason," then there were that day. _She continued on.

I didn't know what to say. So I just said hey. She looked a little surprised, taken off guard. We only talked briefly. She just landed a new job. Good for her, after all that schmuck of a husband has probably put her through the past four months cheating on her. Why would you ever want to cheat when you have someone who looks and is as fantastic as she is? I will never understand.

She seemed impressed that I was a name partner now! It was a good minute, but then I had to get back to work. I told her I was sorry for all her husband had put her through, and told her to call me sometime. She probably won't.

I was supposed to go out tonight. But I cancelled. All I could think about the rest of the day was her. I barely got through work. Diane even asked what was wrong. For Diane to notice and say something, it must have been pretty obvious I was distracted. I just can't believe Alicia could still have such an affect on me after all these years.

Clearly I never really got over her, because here I am sitting in my apartment surrounded by all my old things from Georgetown. I haven't looked at this stuff since I boxed it up after graduation. Yet today after seeing her I wanted too see it all again. The papers, the journal I kept, the memories, the photos. There are so many photos. She insisted on taking them all the time. It drove me crazy.

_He's right, I did insist! But the journal he kept at Georgetown? What?_

The journal, I don't even keep a journal, but I did then when I was with her, and apparently I am going to once again. At least for tonight. But writing has always been my only way of telling her everything I wanted too. She never let me tell her everything. I wrote the whole Georgetown journal like I was having a conversation with her. It was the only way I could get everything off my chest.

_I didn't know you didn't tell me everything at Georgetown. You should have said more back then. You should have insisted on saying more the past few years. Always worried about my feelings, and never your own.. _She clicked on the next entry.

**August 6, 2009**

She called today. I can't believe it. She's coming into the office on Monday to chat! I can't get her out of my mind. I was way off my game today because she was clouding all of my thoughts. I'll have to rectify that tomorrow in court. The affect this woman has on me is, there aren't even words. There have never been words to describe it. It's as if time stands still when I'm around her. I can't control it. I don't like not having control over my emotions. But with her I don't. It's a constant flow of emotions, happy, sad, bliss, desire, and elation. I can't believe I let her open this up in me again. I only saw her for three minute yesterday, and we only talked on the phone for five today. But seeing her in person, talking to her, it's different from seeing her on the television screen or on the front page of the newspaper. It's tangible, too tangible. I never should have let you go Leesh.

Alicia stopped reading for a minute. _I can't believe you were thinking this way right from the beginning. Back then all I could think about was that I needed a job. I wanted to catch up with you, but I really needed a job. We both have regrets. Everybody does. _

**August 10, 2009**

I hired her to work for me today. Alicia. It turned out the firm she thought she was going to work for only wanted her as a temporary paralegal. It's their loss. When she showed up to talk she looked amazing. It was hard to not just stare at her. We chatted for awhile. It was good to get caught up a little. I couldn't resist asking her if she wanted to work for us after hearing about her other job. Truth is I really wanted her to work for us five days ago when I first saw her. If she is anything like she used to be, she will be a real asset to the firm. The side benefit for me will be seeing her everyday!

We were holding interviews today to hire a new associate anyway. Talk about good timing. She interviewed really well. It came down to her and another young lawyer just out of law school. Diane favored him, I favored Alicia. I wasn't backing down on this one. Diane was not to keen on hiring someone with the last name of Florrick. She even asked me if I had been involved with Alicia previously. I didn't answer! I just told her Alicia was a friend, and the smartest person in our class, which is all true. Diane wanted more than that. She argued that Alicia hadn't been in the work force for thirteen years. That her family, and especially her husband would get in the way. That she would come in with an entitled attitude. I came back full force. I gave her examples from Georgetown, I had Kalinda dig up some info on her past job. Some of it I buried, and the rest I gave to Diane.

_What information could you have needed to bury? Add that to the list of things to ask Kalinda about. I better start making a list of all the people I need to ask questions off. _

I also told Diane that the Alicia I knew stood on her own two feet, and could hold her ground and position on things. I told her that Alicia was smart, and that I doubted she had let her intelligence slip while out of the workforce. I told her it wouldn't take long for Alicia to get right back into things. As far as being entitled, she may be, but I told Diane Alicia would never play that card. She's too good a person, always thinking of others before herself.

_Yes that was part of our problem Will, we always did think about others before us. That wasn't bad, it wasn't wrong, it makes us good people. I do care about everyone. I always will. We just should have compared notes on caring about each other. _

Something I said must have convinced Diane, because we hired both Alicia and the young law school grad with the thought that in six months we will let one go. It won't be Alicia. I won't let it be.

Alicia chuckled. _That was a close one, a really close one._

The smile on Alicia's face when I told her she was hired was priceless! I've seen that smile before. That's the smile you only get when she is truly happy about something. Hopefully she'll have more good days than bad now. I know I shouldn't be so excited about this, but we were such good friends. Even though she is still married maybe we could at least be friends again. She probably doesn't even think about us anymore. I am going to have to play this close to the vest. Alicia back in my life, everyday, things are looking up!

_That seems like a lifetime ago. I was so nervous. I was really terrified of Diane. All I could think about those first few weeks was making sure I didn't screw up to badly. And you, you were thinking about me. Yes, thinking about you would have been much more pleasant. I should have tried it a time or two. _

**August 17, 2009**

You freaked Diane out today. I can't stop laughing. You came up with some new evidence she didn't find on a client. You are doing the retrial. She handed it off to you because I'm sure she thought it would be a really easy open and closed case, not even go to trial. But here you are doing exactly what I expected, putting your all into it. Diane is trying to hold her ground, trying to be tough. She chewed you out, but you stood your ground, you took your tongue lashing well. I've seen Diane do that to other women, and they leave in tears. But not you, you stood by your work, and apologized. Although, I dodn't think you needed to. Way to play Diane! You are going to keep her on her toes. It's so funny! I love Diane, but this is going to be great to watch. I see a little competition for Diane in her future.

Alicia rolled her eyes, and shook her head smiling.

_She did give me a tongue lashing! I wanted to crawl under a rock I was so embarrassed. Glad to know you got such a kick out of it. _

**August 22, 2009**

I went to hit some balls today. I needed a distraction. I had to do something to get you out of my head. It didn't work. I didn't realize how hard this would be emotionally for me to have you in my life again everyday. It's up and down all the time. Today is Saturday. I woke up and just stayed in bed. I stayed there thinking about you. Thinking about how we used to be. I love to see you everyday. Thinking about what a wonderful woman you have become. I guess we all matured, but you make me feel like an adult, a real grownup. It's silly I know, but adulthood has finally hit, and I didn't even know it hadn't until you walked back into my life a few weeks ago.

Periodically now I find myself in a daze. It usually happens when I've seen you. I just get stuck. All of my memories of you keep flooding in. I love walking past you. The Alicia fragrant, it's something else, intoxicating. I have got to get this under control. You and everyone else are going to start noticing the difference in me, and all of this for what? You are married. Someone else already won the prize. I don't have any right to even think about interfering, but I want too. Pull it together Will.


	13. Late Nights

**August 26, 2009**

We were the last ones in the office tonight. I came down to your office to see how your case was going. It reminded me of all the late nights we had at Georgetown. So many memories of those years both good and bad. In fact I brought it up, the mock trial we co chaired at Georgetown. You were so worried about that trial. I should have taken it a little more seriously, maybe we would have won if I had. But let's be honest there was no way. We really needed to be on the other side of that case. But you were so sure we had enough evidence to present, and that we had a solid case to argue. We, no you, spent so many hours going over every scenario, and every argument the other side could possibly come up with. I couldn't pry you away from preparing for that. One of the only times I couldn't pry you away from studying! I used to love lying on your couch pretending to listen to you read our law books, or go over study guides. Half the time I just sat and watched you. I loved seeing you curled up on the couch book in hand, notes all over the coffee table, trying to remember every single detail to everything.

Alicia paused and rolled her eyes. _I knew you weren't paying attention to me sometimes. I just thought you were tired. We studied so late sometimes. Ah, lets face it all the time._

`That is part of what attracted me to you. You were serious about everything that mattered. I wasn't serious enough. You weren't like a lot of the other girls in our class who studied, but who weren't willing to go the extra mile, or put in the extra time to do really well. You wanted to reach your full potential. And you did. You were determined. You're still that way.

Alicia smiled. _Thank you! I am still that way. Sometimes that's not such a good thing. Maybe we would have been more civil if I wouldn't have been so determined to wage war against you last year. _

I did well in law school, but if I would have spent half the time I spent committing to memory our class notes, that I spent trying to figure out what was going on in that head of yours, I would have been top five in our class instead of top ten! Your mind was a very complicated thing back then. I guess it still is, even more so now.

I see you now, and I wonder what would have been if it had been you and I, instead of you and Peter. Ahhh, territory I can't allow myself to think to much about and will probably never have the chance to ask you about. You're as good a lawyer now, as you were a law student then. Pulling out all the punches and saving yourself as first chair on your first case. Brilliant, nothing but late nights I'm guessing.

_Yes, and Jackie lectured me for bringing work home. I had to prove to Diane and everyone else I could be a good lawyer even with everything in turmoil. I needed that job. Not to mention I liked it. _

I don't like pretending to go along with Diane sometimes just to keep things calm. I don't do it often, she and I see eye to eye on many things. But I haven't convinced her that you are a real asset to the firm yet. There was no logic in trying to bump you to second chair. Diane just needs to come and see you in court. I think it would change her opinion of you. I have no doubt in time she will learn to respect you.

_She and I have come a long way. That's for sure! _Alicia thinks pondering over her relationship with Diane over the past year.

**August 31, 2009**

You know sometimes I get an idea into my head about you, and then when I see you all the ideas get shot out the door. Take tonight for instance. You've only been at the firm a little over a month, and you won your first case. Tonight I had a bottle of wine for you to celebrate the win. I was planning on sharing a glass with you, but when I got to your office and saw you, I chickened out. I just told you it was a token from the firm for your win. This is such a juggling act for me. I keep hoping the feelings I've had for you since you started working here will lessen, but they haven't. I don't want to make things awkward for you or me for that matter. But I can't deny I have feelings for you. At any rate I am really looking forward to spending more time with you in the coming weeks. I made you my second chair on a civil case I have going. Diane was going to lecture me about making someone who's only worked here a month, not to mention is a first year associate, as second chair to one of the name partners! But then she realized who she was about to lecture, and stopped. I can't help but laugh. I know she makes you nervous. You get this look in your eyes when you're in the same room with her. Those eyes... But it doesn't matter. I am a partner, and I get to make the decision on who chairs with me. Besides, I am enjoying watching Diane react to you, and not be able to do anything about it!

_He's right. I was so nervous those first few months around her._

**September 14, 2009**

I didn't think about how this case would probably affect you when I made you second chair. I was an Idiot. What was I thinking? It's not that you can't handle the legal side of it. You're handling that wonderfully. But what was I thinking putting you on a case with an escort? I don't think you notice me seeing how you look at her. You probably wonder if she slept with Peter. She is a high end hooker. I'm sure that's the kind he went for. Sometimes you seem so distant, like your mind is in another world. It concerns me, that distant look. It was always reason for concern back in college. I'm sure no one else notices, but when I see that look in your eyes, I want to know what your thinking about, and if there is anything I can do to fix the problem.

**September 29, 2009**

We had to go to a hotel this afternoon to try and find information on a witness. There were some women there who knew me, and I am sure they recognized you. When you said the women behind us thought we were getting a room. I was only half joking when I said we could do worse. You smirked and brushed it off. I would have loved being there to "get a room" with you. I know I shouldn't think that way, but you are so beautiful. We could have done some very productive "research" at that hotel in a room together.

Reading that last line caused Alicia to choke on her drink, and a little water sprayed out of her mouth. She leaned back against the pillows on the couch. _"Productive research session." _She rolled her eyes. _Did he really think he had a chance back then? Yes, he did. _

She nodded her head, and then laughed. _Men, always have sex in the back of their minds. Okay maybe not always, but a good portion of the time. _ _He really could read me. I really disliked that case. _

Well there's no harm done in thinking about it right? I have got to get you out of my head. You're still married, and I don't even know if you have feelings for me.

Hopefully with this new witness we'll be off this case soon anyway. Then I won't keep feeling so guilty for putting you in the awkward position I did. Note to self, in the future think about what the client did, or does before you put Alicia on it.

Alicia rolled her eyes again. _Yeah, nice to see how well that note stuck. I was put on every case that involved someone whose spouse had cheated on them. I had to be the hand holder, or the "good" example to convince a jury Wil. _She spoke out loud for a moment. "Not that I minded… Okay you know what it really bothered me sometimes the way I was used as the lucky card in the deck sometimes."

She put the computer down and got up to walk around. She began to feel slightly angry. "Diane would always ask if I was okay with it." She paced then stopped and looked directly at the laptop. She placed her hands on her hips. "What was I going to say? No? That would have been a really great career move. I would have said no to half the cases that walked into that place," she said sarcastically. Continuing to look directly at the laptop she continued. "You know what? Sometimes I really hated it. Sometimes I really disliked trying to play all the political games at the firm Will. I hated it. I didn't like being used. I didn't like knowing I was being used to win cases. I certainly could have done without the attention. I know you didn't intend for that, but sometimes I felt that way. But I guess that's just life right, and I moved up on the food chain faster for doing it."

She turned away from the laptop exhaling deeply and decided she needed to take a break to cool down. Looking around the room she spotted some magazines on the counter. _No I'm not in the mood to read. _She turned her head in the other direction towards the bedroom remembering there was a huge jetted tub in the bathroom. _To early for a bath. _She thought. She turned back to face the kitchen area. _A snack! _

She rummaged through the few cupboards and found some microwave popcorn. Once it was popped and in a bowl she sat back down on the couch and picked up the laptop. As she lifted some of the popcorn to her mouth a few kernels dropped innocently to her lap. A memory from the college days crossed her mind.

"_Did you just drop that popcorn on me on purpose Gardner?" she said, giving him the look of faked contempt. His attention turned from the movie playing in front of them to her. _

"_What?" he said smiling. "Why would I purposely drop popcorn on you?" She threw the few kernels left in her hand back at him. He looked at her offended, but wore a huge grin on his face. "Did you just throw popcorn at me?" _

_She turned back to the movie. "I don't know what you're talking about!" she said, with a cocky smile as she placed more popcorn into her mouth. He instantly grabbed the bowl out of her hands. "Hey, I was eating that, and I'm trying to watch this movie," she said, punching him lightly on the arm. _

_He grabbed a huge handful of popcorn and throws it at her. She looked shocked at first, but then put her hand in the bowl. He grabbed it just as she was about to pull it out of the bowl. "Oh no you don't!" he said. Then he reached his other hand around her pinning her other arm next to her, and put his hand into the bowl. He grabbed some more, and tossed it at her. _

"_This is war!" she said. The next few minutes were spent with the two of them off the couch throwing kernels at each other, both dodging the other's shots. Ten minutes later they were back on the couch laughing hysterically. Once they calmed down they surveyed the small apartment living room. "It's going to take an hour to clean this up," she said._

"_We can clean it up tomorrow. Let's finish the movie." _

"_But Will" _

"_Leesh, this is my apartment, my roommate is gone for the weekend. We can do it tomorrow." _

She looked back down at the bowl. _I always liked that about you. You were never worried about the trivial things. _She smiled to herself. _He tried to repeat that a few years ago one night when we were watching a movie at my apartment. I didn't let you. I did not want popcorn all over my apartment. We should have done it. It would have been fun. Even if we would have been acting like college kids again. We needed more time for fun. _

She continued to snack on the popcorn as she continued to read. .

**October 14, 2009**

These late nights in the office are going to get us into trouble one of these days. We get so involved in working that before we know it we are the only ones left in the office. Just like it was when we were in college at the library. In fact it seems just like those college days, working on cases intermixed with casual chatting and drinks. You're more relaxed when it's just the two of us. Or maybe I am.

_We both were. That's because working together, and conversations have always been easy between us. Even if we didn't agree we could at least have a civil discussion. And when there wasn't anyone else there I didn't feel like I had to prove myself to anyone in those early days. _

These late nights have happened more than once with this case we are on. And every single night it happens there are afew moments of awkward silence spent staring at each other. It's all I can do to not lean over and kiss you. I can see the dilemma in your eyes. I just wish I could read your mind, as well as I think I can read those eyes. After staring at each other, reality hits one of us, usually you, and the next thing I know you're up and getting ready to leave. But one of these days Alicia, those late night stares are going to catch up to us. It won't be your fault, it will be mine.

_Well we seized the opportunity a few months later! And we were both responsible. I really can't deny that anymore. It should be interesting to read how you felt about that first kiss. If you wrote about it. _

**November 3, 2009**

This contest between you and Cary is ridiculous. Diane and I got into an argument today over me bumping him from second chair on a case, and putting you in. We are working on a civil case that was passed to us from Legal Aide. The reason I put you in is because the state's attorney's office can't think straight around you. The ASA's get all worked up and can barely think straight when you are around. It's a riot to watch actually. But Diane is convinced I'm favoring you over Cary. That might be a little bit true, but I'm not about to admit that to Diane. She also thinks you have some hidden agenda in destroying Glenn Childs. What she doesn't realize is that you're just doing your job. I can't help it if we have cases against Cook County all the time. But this contest is ridiculous. She and I agree that the decision will only be based on work, but somehow I don't think we define work in the same way. Three more months of this, we just need to find the funds to keep both of you. I think if there ever comes a day when I have to fire you that will be my all time low, my worst day ever. Let's hope this little competition doesn't come to that.

Alicia thought back to the day he did end up firing her. _That was one of the worst days ever… For both of us. That was the day the war began. A war that like all other wars, ended with death. I wish we could have talked about that, our war. _

**November 16, 2009**

I need to think of more ways to bump you up over Cary. Cary is a good lawyer, but it would be easier for him to find another job then it will be for you. Stern's daughter needed a lawyer. So we assigned you to help with the case. Getting you on Stern's good side is a good plan for your future job security. Speaking of job security, we had to do layoffs today. I really dislike laying people off. It's not good or fair for anyone. This is one of the hardest things I have to do as a partner. I don't like the idea of making decisions for other's that I know will have a negative impact on them, when they don't deserve it.

_You always had a good heart. _Alicia thought.

There is a rumor that Peter's case may be appealed. I can't even imagine how that will impact your life. Or mine for that matter. I suppose it would be good for you if he were to be released. It would certainly be good for your children I would think. I would sure love to know what you think about the idea. But it's none of business. However, I think I'll keep an eye on the situation. None of that can be easy, but you seem to handle everything so well. Of course I only see you at work, but I imagine you handle everything just as well when you aren't at work.

It's a good reason for me to back off a little. I can't imagine that having him back in your life on a day to day basis would leave any room for an "us" scenario. Not that there is an "us" scenario to begin with. This might be exactly what I need to get these feelings for you back under control. It's easier when we aren't working on a case together. We seem to be up and down all the time, but it may just be up when we are working together, and down when we aren't. I am probably the last thing on your mind right now.

_At that point you were the last thing on my mind. I was worried about doing well, and keeping my job. The kids, and Peter. It hadn't occurred to me that he could possibly be released from prison less than a year after being put there. You backed off a bit, but always seemed keenly aware of what was going on with that part of my life. Keeping tabs on me weren't you? Even though I never told you, I did appreciate the fact that you would at least ask how things were going, and that it didn't mean how they were going at work. I knew you genuinely wanted to know. The thought that someone else really cared meant a lot to me. _


	14. We Need To Talk

The sun was beginning to go down outside. Between stopping to ponder his words and reading every single entry she hadn't made as much progress as she had expected to.

_Time to get to the heavy stuff. It's time to find out what he thought about the first kiss, the deleted voicemail. Eli how could you? Our stay here. I can go back and read all the mess in the middle later. _

She decided to skip ahead to December just weeks before Peter was let out of prison.

**December 9, 2009 **

Peter may be let out of prison. From what I've heard he probably didn't deserve to be put there in the first place. But that doesn't excuse what he did to you. And I just don't understand why he ever felt a need to cheat on you. I don't understand why anyone would ever cheat on their wife, and especially why anyone would cheat on a wife who's intelligent, beautiful, and who would clearly do anything for her family. Of course I've never been married, but if I had married you I can't imagine ever wanting to have an affair with someone else.

You put up a good front, but the stress and worry over the whole situation is in your eyes. Whenever it comes up you smile and try to make it seem like it doesn't bother you, but I know it does, and it kills me. No matter what happens we still need to talk. I mentioned dinner again today when we were at a client's home. You still seem open to it. We just need to make it happen.

I'm still trying to keep my feelings for you close to the vest, but the fact that you're willing to think about dinner tells me you sense the attraction between us, and aren't completely ignoring it. However if Peter is released everything could change. We need to talk before that ever happens. 

**December 17, 2009**

I didn't know what to say today. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that Peter wasn't released. I can't tell if you were sad, or relieved that he didn't make bail. You were sitting outside the courthouse after his hearing when I came out. I almost didn't notice you sitting there. You looked both relieved and disappointed when I sat down next to you. You turned to me and told me he didn't make bail. Watching you fight this emotional battle is really hard for me Alicia. I just want to make it better, but I can't. You'd never allow it. I wanted to reach over and put my arms around you, comfort you and tell you it would be alright, but that would have been inappropriate, probably.

So I just told you I was sorry. I asked if you wanted to get a drink, but of course you had to go home and tell the two people you love the most in this world that their father would once again not be coming home, and that must kill you. That must be the hardest thing, trying to explain to your kids that their father isn't coming home.

_You have no idea. _She thought to herself as tears start to stream from her eyes once more. _I was hurt, deeply hurt by what Peter did. But making our children go through that was a mother's nightmare. An embrace from you may have been inappropriate at the time yes, but I really needed someone to talk to back then. I just needed someone else to help carry the load. I'm stronger for it now. You don't know what you're capable of sometimes until you're forced to be capable. _

Maybe that's the sadness I see in your eyes. Maybe for you it's easier if he isn't home, but you know it would be better if he were home for the kids. I always knew you'd be a great mother. I don't even know your kids, but I know you're a great mother. I always wanted to be a father you know. You and I together would have been great parents. Our kids would have been the most competitive on the planet, but we would have been a great team. I should have been blunter back at Georgetown.

_Can you imagine my genes and your genes together in one, or two people? Competitive doesn't even begin to describe it Will. But you're right. We would have been a good team. I never would have quit working though. Well maybe for awhile when they were very little, part time perhaps. It wouldn't have mattered, we would have had our own firm anyway, I could have come back to work whenever I wanted. _

**January 23, 2010**

I am an idiot. I only did it because I thought it would be better, easier for you. But when you came into my office and asked why I'd taken you off this current case I could tell I had made a mistake. I love how blunt, and right to the point you are. There is no skirting around the subject with you. That's part of what makes you such a great lawyer. I just thought with Peter at home you would want some time to readjust, some time to spend with him. I was clearly wrong. You're right Peter can take care of himself. You made it perfectly clear that you would rather be here..

But see here is the problem. What was I supposed to read into those big beautiful eyes of yours piercing into me when we had this discussion, and you said, "use me"? Use you at work? That is what anyone on the outside listening in would assume, but did you mean something else? Is there still something there, even though you have your husband back? I saw the way you looked at me, I was standing right in front of you. And you continued to stare at me while leaving my office. We need to talk. I need to know what you are thinking. Are you with Peter, are you thinking of not being with Peter? Sometimes you flirt with me in subtle ways, sometimes in not so subtle ways. Do you mean to flirt, or is this just a game? We have to talk, you make me crazy sometimes.

Looking up from the laptop Alicia let out a deep sigh.

_I didn't know what I wanted. I had feelings for you. But I didn't know if it was just physical. I was sharing an apartment with my husband. But at that point he was more like a guest. I was still very hurt by what Peter had done. And I'm not the only one with piercing all telling eyes you know. Sometimes I was intentionallyt flirting back. _

**February 16, 2010**

I'm sorry, well only a little. You did kiss me back. And you did admit to coming back to my office after the kiss and you ran out. Now I don't know what to do. I will regret kissing you if this has ruined things between us. I never meant to make you feel awkward. I didn't mean to add to the complications that are your life these days. But I couldn't resist. The office was nearly empty, and you put your hand on my shoulder to... To what? Why did you do that? I saw your hand there touching me, and I looked up into those eyes, and then it just happened. I had to know what it would be like to kiss you again after so many years. So I touched your face that soft porcelain skin that I've wanted to touch for months. I couldn't help myself. And touching those lips with mine sent a wave through me. A wave I haven't felt in so many years. It was like going back in time, like no time had passed since I last kissed you at Georgetown. And then you kissed me back. I don't know what I thought was going to happen when I made the move and kissed you, but I didn't expect you kiss me back. At that moment all I wanted was to stop time. Just freeze it right there, and let me keep those lips and that body right next to mine.

Just moments later the brief glimpse into what could be was gone. That will be a moment never to forget. If I never have the chance to kiss those warm lips of your again, at least I'll have that one memory.

I am sorry though. I'm not sorry for kissing you, but I'm sorry for causing that look on your face after. It was filled with so much worry. And now I've become your betrayal to your husband. Even though I would love for there to be a "you and I" scenario, I don't want you to end up hating me because I was the means of dong to him what he'd done to you. Not that Peter doesn't deserve it, but I could tell how upset it made you even if only for a minute. I mean you did come back looking for me. Of course I went looking for you so our paths never crossed, but you came back. And then today when I asked you about it you wouldn't even discuss it. I'm not mad at you. I could see how worried and uncomfortable the whole situation made you feel, so why did you come back?

Alicia shook her head and chuckled. _Because I really enjoyed kissing you. It had been nearly a year since I had been close with Peter. You know a woman has needs too, and I can honestly say that night was more about filling a physical need for me rather an emotional one. The really scary thing is that if you would have been in your office when I got back…_

She got back up off the sofa, and slowly walked to the window again Staring out at the last glimpse of daylight one hand under her chin the other crossed against her chest, she considered how things may have gone if he had been in his office. Being a lawyer she did have to consider all of her options.

_I would have done one of two things. I would have either shut it completely down. Or… I would have completely betrayed Peter. And I was so vulnerable at that time I would have betrayed Peter. That kiss sent an unbearable surge of hormones through me that had to be satiated. If I would have gotten to Will before I got to Peter that night things may have been different._ _No one would have blamed me. Everyone would have said Peter deserved it. No one could believe I'd stayed with Peter to begin with. That would have changed things. It would have been a mess. Why did you come looking for me? To apologize, because you cared, because you wanted more? Even though you would have loved for me to have given myself to you that night, you would have asked me a thousand times if I was sure it was okay before anything happened. And in the end one of us would have shut it down before we got too carried away. It wasn't the right time. It was rarely the right time. _

She stood there contemplating what may have been for a few moments. She turned around and her stomach began complaining because she hasn't eaten all day. She ordered room service, and moved the laptop to the table so she could continue.

I didn't mean to turn things into a mess. And now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should act as if nothing happened.

_We both tried to do that unsuccessfully,_

Should I avoid you?

_You did even though we were on the same case together. And that made it worse. It made me feel guilty._

Should I push it?

_It's probably a good thing you didn't. _

We need to sit down and figure this out. This constant up and down is driving me crazy. But there is something there. I know there is. There always has been. I think you sense it too, I think you want to sense it.

_I did. Time to confess the truth Alicia. _

Since the day we set eyes on each other at that pool party there has been something there. And as much as I've tried to push it away the past fifteen years, after leaving your apartment for the last time, I can't. And I don't think you can either. So now What? We can't just pretend it never happened. Even if it was wrong because you're married, we can't deny it happened. All I want right now is to hold you in my arms again. To hold you and run my hands up and down you're perfect figure. I just want to be close to you. It's not just a physical thing. It's so much more, and I don't know what to do.

_You always had so much more faith in our relationship than I did. I was stuck. I've been stuck in this place ever since I started working for you. _

**February 21, 2010**

I realized today that I had been avoiding you. I didn't mean too, and I know it made you uncomfortable. I just wish you felt like you could confide in me. If not me, in someone. I mentioned we still hadn't had dinner. You know to break the ice. You seem so worried, and tired these days. It's unavoidable, but I wish I could make it easier for you. I asked if you were worried about Peter. Meaning, are you worried about having dinner with me now that Peter is around? But I think you thought I meant are you worried about his trial. I meant that too, but I wanted to know if you were still open to the idea of dinner.

You said you were worried about everything. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders Alicia, Work, the kids, Peter's trial. I know you have too, and I'm sorry. I just wish I could do more.

You're probably worried about your job too. I will do everything I can to keep you at the firm, but I still can't guarantee it. I've been able to buy some time, but it's been over six months, and I keep putting Diane off. One of these days she will put her foot down. You know what though it's just like I told you today. I'm not worried about anything. I probably should be, but I'm not. Somehow I think it will all work out.

_Well you were the only one not worried. _

**February 23, 2010**

I just got off the phone with you. I tried to lay more of my feelings out on the table. I'm not going to hide it anymore. Maybe because it's late and I'm tired but I'm done pretending. I do watch you at the office, and I told you so. I do want to know what you are thinking. I want to know what you think about us. I want to know what you think about everything. You think we would have only lasted a week if it had been you and me instead of you and Peter. But you're wrong. You're just telling yourself that because it's easier, and less complicated. You told me it would have just been life if it had been us. Yes that's the point. But I would have made you happy. It would have been romantic too. You say it's only romantic because it didn't happen. That's not true. You and I would have never let the romance die. We won't let it die if it ever happens. I can't imagine not wanting to always make you feel loved, and happy. Life isn't a bed of roses, but our life would have been, could still be, so fulfilling. I know I don't have the right to ask, but I just want a chance. Just give me a chance to make you happy. Give me a chance to make it our life.

_You were right. Life with you would have been really good, well if we could have gotten past your typical marital spats without doing to much damage it would have been good. And yes, I will admit now that it would have been very romantic. But you and I were always meant to be together. That's what would have made it romantic, well that and your unbearable charm!_

**March 14, 2010**

Dinner, I can't do this anymore Alicia. You called me. You were the one that wanted dinner. So I made the reservation, went to the restaurant, and waited. I would have waited all night, but then you called. You really do live in crisis mode all the time. Quite frankly I don't know how you do it day in and day out. But I can't. Not right now anyway. We constantly have bad timing. I know that has always been our thing, bad timing. But it really is. And I don't know if we will ever have good timing. So I'm getting away for a few days. I'm going to go try my luck at being a judge for a mock trial. Yes, I'm avoiding the situation. I don't know what else to do. I understand what happened, I don't blame you, but I'm frustrated, and a little hurt. So I'm avoiding it. I need some time to think about all of this.

_I should have waited to call you after I left the apartment. I should have made up some story about meeting Kalinda, but it's not in my nature to lie. And I certainly wasn't going to lie to Peter. I was angry at him, so angry. I had had it. All the skirting around the actual subject with Peter. All of the questionable legal issues. If Zach hadn't been hurt I would have left again as soon as I could have. That night I was ready to have a talk about us. Inevitable bad timing. _

**March 26, 2010**

I can breathe again. I think I've been holding my breath for a week. But you did it. You convinced Diane that we should keep you and let Cary go. It all came down to money. It shouldn't have, but it did. I do feel bad about Cary, we both do. But seeing the relief on your face when we told you that you could stay, was priceless. I'll tell you it's just like breathing. Having you around makes it easier for me to breathe. It makes the rest of the downsizing a little easier to swallow. Today was a good day, a new start, a new opportunity. It's given me a renewed determination. You're never getting away now. I'll never let you go. I can't. Now we can put you on a partner track, and that will make things easier in the long run. It will make things less complicated if we ever do get serious.

_Famous last words. Making partner was a blessing and a curse. It only made things more complicated. Little did we know that the day I made partner would be the beginning of the end instead of the beginning of something that in the long run, we'd both hoped for. _


	15. In This Place

_**May 4, 2010**_

_I either made a huge mistake, or a smart decision tonight. As I sat in my office tonight, I suddenly felt like I had to just put it all out there. It was time to lay all of my cards on the table. Now I wait. I'm tired of beating around the bush, and being subtle. I need to know where we are, where we stand. I know it wasn't the most ideal time to call during Peter's press conference, but I'm done waiting. We have been up and down and I need to know if we have a future, or not._

_Of course you were taken off guard, and wouldn't let me finish or explain when I called. You said you needed a plan, that you get the romance! That was encouraging! I'm glad I haven't been completely misreading all the looks, and subtle flirtations. But the truth is I don't have a plan. I'm happy to make a plan, but the ball is in your court now. You have to call me back. _

_I called back and left you two messages because you had to get off the phone. I know I told you in the first one that you should be with Peter, but the more I thought about it I decided I would just tell you the truth and see what happened. So I called back and told you exactly how I felt. I do love you. I have loved you since Georgetown, _

_If there is even a small chance, and I think there is, that I could be with you, I had to take the chance. I realize I've opened myself up to the possibility of rejection, but I can't get you out of my head or heart. I know it wasn't the best method spilling my heart in a voicemail. It may come back to bite me, but at least you know the truth. And now I wait. I wait to see if you call me back. I'd hoped you would call back tonight, but it's two in the morning. You're probably asleep. Peter's probably in bed next to you. You probably couldn't get away to call back. So I'll wait.  
_  
Alicia looked up from the laptop and chuckled._ No Will, he was not in bed next to me. That didn't happen for months, and it didn't last long. Eli, Eli, Eli. _She shook her head, and was suddenly angry and sad. However, she did feel like she was making progress. Part of being able to let go of Will was going to involve being angry at those who had stood in their way. She realized now that she'd been so guarded, had to be so strong and not let any of her emotions out, that it hadn't been happy and good emotions she'd kept in. She had held in a lot of the anger, and pain she'd felt over the years. If she was really truly going to heal she had to go through all the emotions, good and bad..

The voicemail being deleted stung. Yes Eli had apologized, and there was nothing, not a thing she could do about it now. So she got up and walked around angry for a few minutes. She silently yelled at Eli. She thought briefly about calling him, letting him have it, but she decided against it. She ended up half laughing half crying at herself over how silly she felt doing this. But after being angry at Eli, and getting it out, she decided there was a whole slew of people she would really like tell off. Peter, even Will over some things. So she got angry at a few of them, said exactly how they'd hurt her. Once she let out these emotions she had built up over the years she felt much better. She wasn't the type to call all of them up and bring up all the issues from the past. She'd just let it go, she had too to move on. She was in control of her life now. She realized how much she had changed over the past six years, especially over the past year. She was stronger, more edgy now. She could catch anyone trying to meddle in her life from a mile away now. She thought over the past six months that she had changed, and she had, but after this weekend she would be a new woman she was pretty sure of it.

After letting much of her anger out, she decided to go down to the hotel bar for awhile while she continued to read. _I may not even drink_. She thought to herself as she exited the room. _Oh who am I kidding? I need a change of scenery and a good glass of wine_.

She found a table in a corner out of the way, ordered a drink, and then began reading again.

_**May 18, 2010**_

_It's been two weeks since I left that voicemail. Things seem awkward. I should have left it alone. I put you in an impossible situation I know. But I don't understand why you didn't call, or at least come to my office and tell me you couldn't or didn't want to talk about us right now. I would have respected that decision. But the silence and avoidance is getting to be unbearable._

_**June 5, 2010**_

_It's been a month. Here I am at home on a Saturday afternoon hoping. But I have come to the decision to drop this. It's over. I spilled my heart out to you, and nothing. I don't understand, I will never understand what goes on in that beautiful mind of yours. Maybe I scared you. I have no idea since you haven't even tried to discuss it with me. _

_I'm going to try dating again. I took some time off from dating, but its time. I need the distraction. Maybe it will help with the awkwardness at work. I hate the mess I've created._

_**August 6, 2010**_

_Being in a relationship with someone had helped for awhile. But if you weren't so beautiful, and if I wasn't constantly being reminded of our past things would be easier. A few nights ago we went to the Cook County Bar Association Gala. You looked amazing. And even though I had a woman on my shoulder I couldn't help but take periodic glances over at you. I have to let it go. I'm in a relationship right now, but I don't if can let it go._

_**October 11, 2010**_

_I'm speechless, and of course I chickened out again. But I'm in a relationship, well I'm in something. Why am I speechless? Because you come back from taking a week off, looking amazingly sexy I might add, and tell me you never got my second voicemail from nearly six months ago. The voicemail where I spilled my heart. How on earth did that happen? You have got to be kidding me Alicia. If you never listened to the voicemail, how did you know it even existed? So let me get this straight you somehow found out there was a voicemail you never heard. Somehow you think you know it was intimate. I could tell from the outfit you were wearing, and the way you were looking at me, that you seemed to have an idea as to what was said in that voicemail. And so now you want something between us? Or you just want to know what I said?_

_You caught me completely off guard. I wasn't prepared to have that conversation today, I needed time to gather my thoughts, but I didn't have time. You were standing right there wanting an answer so I lied. Well I only sort of lied. I did tell you what I told you in the first voicemail, that you should stay with Peter, and that I didn't want things to be awkward at work. And they haven't been for awhile now. _

_I am utterly confused. Honestly I had done a good job of putting you out of my mind. Work between us seemed to be going well. Now I'm wondering if you tried to talk to me about the voicemail before? A few months ago you said we needed a moment. Later I thought it was because Diane had tried to poach you when she was thinking of starting her own firm. I bet that wasn't what you wanted to talk about. _

_I can't do this again. I can't go through all the emotions and think there is something there, just to get thrown to the side again. You make my head spin. I'm not letting this new piece of information get in between me and my current relationship. I have to let it go for now. _

_I knew you lied to me. Nice to hear you admit it! _She thought to herself chuckling a bit. She spent the next hour sitting at her table reading. Then she came to the entries from April 2011. She sat back in her chair and observed the other bar patrons. She knew exactly what happened in April of that year. She glanced over at the bar that sat not more than twenty or thirty feet from where she now sat. She'd been the one to ask him if he wanted to get drinks with her that night. He hadn't even hesitated in agreeing. He'd been the one to choose the spot. They'd driven in separate cars which had proven to be a good decision in the long run.

As she watches others now sitting on the same stools they had she recalled how liberating it had been to sit there with him. At the time she didn't care what people thought if they recognized her. She could brush it off as drinks with a co-worker, which had been her intention when she asked him to drinks. But then he had made the statement that would stick in her head like glue for the rest of her life. _"What if we had good timing, just for an hour?"_ That night she couldn't deny she wanted him, wanted to be with him in more ways than one. So she'd responded by telling him that she thought that would look like an exceptional moment, and it had been, a very exceptional moment. She remembered the wave of warmth and excitement that filled her as he reached over placing his hand on hers, and this time it didn't make her nervous. It didn't seem wrong or inappropriate. It felt right.

She came out of her thoughts, and decided that reading the next six months worth of entries would be better read back up in her room. She gathered her things and took the elevator back up. When she entered the room she was once again struck by the memories of that night. She decided to put on something more comfortable and sit in the bed to read continuing her reading. As she entered the bedroom to remove her makeup she paused and leaned against the door jam to reminisce.

Everything about that night was suddenly coming back into focus at full force. The memory of how she had opened the door to the hotel room, and he had followed her in that night. They had wasted no time. He had taken her hand and led her to the bedroom. After a few more minutes of her warm lips hitting his he had started to remove her clothing ever so slowly making sure to touch every inch of her while doing it. It was as if this would be the one and only time they would have to be together like this. Every movement from both was intentional and savored.

Alicia put her hand to her chest as new tears began to fall. But this time they weren't sad droplets. This time they were tears of happiness. For the first time she was allowing herself to not worry about all that had taken place that night, and in the months that followed. Now she was focused on how wonderful those stolen moments with her best friend had been. She'd been so guarded during that time. Yes, she'd enjoyed it at the time. She hadn't regretted a single moment of their time together. But she hadn't been able to fully enjoy it for what it was. Now she wanted those memories to be the ones she cherished, and could look back on when things were chaotic and out of control. She was determined to make those memories some of her best.

After she changed she set the pillows up against the headboard, and settled under the warm soft bedding.

_**March 30, 2011**_

_Kalinda told me you separated from Peter this afternoon. She didn't say why or for how long you'd been separated. I asked her why, but she wouldn't say. I've watched you two over the past few months and your relationship has seemed strained. I can't imagine Kalinda would have had anything to do with your separation? Maybe it's something else going on between you two. The separation would help explain some of the lingering eye contact seductive smiles you've been giving me. I'm also willing to bet the separation is the reason you've seemed sad at times, and distracted." _

Kalinda told you we had separated? Add Kalinda to the list of people to talk to after I go home_. No wonder you were willing to make the move that night. I had an inkling you knew, but I had no idea Kalinda was the one who told you. We never talked about the separation. You never asked. You left alone what needed to be left alone. _

_I have to admit that there are a million reasons running through my mind as to why now, after Peter gets elected, that you would decide to separate from him. I fear the reason, and it breaks my heart to think that he hurt you again. But I don't have any basis for that assumption, and it's not my place to ask. Maybe he didn't hurt you again, and you just both decided you couldn't make it work. _

_ So now I have a new dilemma. I'm still in this thing whatever it is with Tami. Things are going well. Its fun, and very uncomplicated. _

Everything with me, with us was always complicated. I can't blame you at all for thinking you didn't want to deal with the mess_. _

_But she's going to London soon for her job. I think she wants me to convince her to stay and be with me. Make our thing a more serious thing. But I don't know. I like being with her and spending time with her, but I don't know that I love her. I know I love you, and if there is a chance now… Why does this have to be so complicated? I'll tell you why. Because not many things worth having come easily_.

Alicia looked up from the laptop for a moment, then looking back down she noticed the next entry was the written the day after they had spent the night together right where she was sitting. She knew because that date would be engraved in her memory for the rest of her life.

_**April 8, 2011**_

_I guess I don't need to ask where we stand anymore. I'm still in shock that it actually happened. I walked around all day in a daze feeling like a huge cloud had been lifted from me. Last night was amazing! _

_Alicia smiled at this. It was comforting to know she made him happy sometimes, that she wasn't always tearing his heart apart. _

_We finally had good timing! I've wanted to reach out and take that hand of yours for so long, and I was finally permitted to do so. I was allowed to touch those soft lips of yours to mine and not feel guilty about it. At first I couldn't believe you'd actually agreed without even a question. So we got a room at the hotel where we'd had drinks. The presidential suite of all things! It was the only one available, and I was not about to lose this opportunity. It was worth every cent. I would have paid double. _

_I could sense one moment of hesitancy in the elevator ride up to our room. There was a split second where you were reconsidering, but that's when I made the move. I took your hand and turned you into me and made the doubt wash away for both of us. In those few minutes on the elevator and in the hours that followed, eighteen years of built up tension was released. And it was amazing. _

_ Walking into that room with you and slowly removing every piece of clothing will be etched in my memory forever. They say it can take time to get used to the way someone makes love to you before you know how to push all the right buttons, make all the right moves, but not with you. Every movement every kiss, every thrust between us was in sync. It was all new and exciting, but seemed as though we'd been doing it for years. Our hour turned into many more filled with endless kisses, smiles, and gazes exploring each other in ways we hadn't been permitted to in years. Staying up until the late hours of the night sharing dessert in bed, talking, and love making like there would be no tomorrow was incredible. It's been a long time since I've seen that calm happy smile across your face. For those few hours it was just you and I and no one else in the world. You've ruined me for life_.

She stopped reading for a minute remembering and feeling exactly what he had described. Every word was true and she knew it. Their bodies were meant to be together so in tune and in sync with each other. She doubted love making would ever be the same with anyone else. Maybe at some point she would be with someone else, but it would never be quite the same as being with Will.

_When sleep was finally close from pure exhaustion I wanted nothing more than to stay awake and savor every moment, and I did. I watched you sleep until my eyelids fell to heavy. You were so peaceful laying there with your head rested on my chest. All the worry and strain I had seen during the day was gone from your face. I wanted nothing more than to wake up with you nestled next to me, but I knew it couldn't happen. I don't know when you woke and left, but it must have been early. _

She chuckled to herself. _It was four in the morning early. _

_I slept well. I didn't wake up until nearly nine. I was a bit concerned about seeing you today at work. I didn't know if it would be awkward or if you would regret last night. I was admittedly nervous. But when I walked into your office and you smiled, my worries were washed away. Now the fun begins. We discussed our strategy for work. We'll see how this goes trying to keep our relationship, whatever it is at this point, under lock and key. But if that's what it takes to be with you I'm in. I've never been so happy in my whole life. I want to say it's like winning the big prize, but that isn't it all. It isn't even close. You're not a prize waiting to be won. It's like the best dream, and every wish you've ever made coming true. And that rarely ever happens in real life. But it did for me. I know now what real love is. _

She got back out of bed and walked over to the windows gazing out at the night skyline. _I know now what real love is too, and it's the best dream come true._


	16. Pillow Fight

Alicia continued to stare out at the night skyline looking up at the stars wondering for the first time if he was out there somewhere watching over her. She'd never allowed herself to believe in life after death, and even standing here now she wasn't totally convinced. But part of her wanted to believe, wanted to believe that he was able to briefly look in on her sometimes, and that whenever it was her time to go that he'd somehow be there waiting for her.

"Enjoy those moments with him without the guilt." Diane said, the previous night. Then and there she decided that was what she would do. She wasn't going to feel guilty about him anymore. She was going to read through the next six months of his entries and re-live those moments content that they had even been given that time at all. She'd relive the dream, and maybe just maybe she could believe that he was there with her just for tonight. She moved slowly back to the bed and clicked on the next entry.

_**April 15, 2011**_

_It's been one week, one week that a few months ago I never thought possible. It's been one of the best in recent memory. I think that's because I feel happy, actually happy. It's not a front I feel I have to put up. Not that I wasn't happy before, but being with you changes me, it always did at Georgetown. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be with you its pure contentment. It's like finding my missing pieces. _

The statement brought a smile to her lips. She always thought their time together had made him happy, and content was a good word for it.

_However, this is complicated. It always is, it always will be with you. Pretending to be enemies, by day and lovers by night makes it all the more complicated. _

She laughed at his words remembering how they'd had to pretend to be at odds, and discontented at work sneaking in a look, or brief brush of the shoulder or hands when they thought no one was watching.

_I don't know how to read this relationship yet, of course it's only been a week. I can't tell if it's just a physical thing, because it is definitely physical! Clothes started coming off the second the door to my apartment closed this week for our "meeting". I can't tell if there is more there. I want there to be more there, but I always have. I watch you at work and it takes all the self control I can muster to not walk into your office and kiss those soft lips a thousand times a day. I now regret the glass walls that surround every single office in this place. Here I sit in the late hours of the night working. Working that's all I ever do. That's all I used to need, but where has it gotten me? It's gotten me to be one of the youngest lawyers to own a large firm. It gave me the power to hire you, but I want more. There's got to be a balance out there somewhere. _

_Back to the complications of the office. There are always eyes wandering ready to catch the slightest slip up. Too many eyes not paying attention to their own business. I see the way people look at you, and now that we moved you're office to the twenty-eighth floor to be closer to Eli, people are watching you like a hawk. They think its preferential treatment because we're friends. I like having you down the hall from me, but having Eli here has put you in a very awkward position with the other third year associates. Maybe if we play the enemy card well for awhile it will die down. _

_I'm looking forward to this weekend. Your kids will be with Peter, and you agreed to spend the weekend with me. The way you look at me now, the way you looked at me when we were together in bed makes my heart soar and melt all at once. Those beautiful hazel green eyes staring up at me with desire, and the broad smile across your lips is full of life. It's a look that I'd never seen before, but hope to see many times in the future. The first time you allowed yourself to look at me like that a week ago will forever be etched in my memory. I can tell you're happy, and for now that's all I want, for you to be happy. You deserve to be happy._

_**April 19, 2011**_

_I think that I just had one of the best weekends of my life. And we hardly did anything. I can't tell if our desire to be intimate is just a release of what's been built up over the past years, or if it's that this is all new and fun. Probably both. I'm not used to being the one who gets seduced. I'm usually the one doing the seducing, but you are something else. I show up on your doorstep Friday night and you had me half undressed five seconds after the front door is locked behind us. "Dinner can wait!" you told me, I wasn't going to argue. You're certainly not the only one that can't get enough of us._

Alicia chuckled. _You never did argue! Sex or food? That wasn't ever a question for either of us. Those first few months were intense when it came to love making. It was exactly like being young and in love, except we aren't as young as we used to be! _She thought.

_Saturday morning I got to experience something I've waited for years to do. Wake up with you in my arms! The best part was that it wasn't a dream this time. It was real, so real. What made that morning even better was the fact that it seemed like we'd been together for years. It felt so right, so natural to wake up to you. It seemed like you felt the same. I've dated so many women who were constantly worried about getting right up to re-apply the makeup before I even woke up. Wasted time, so much wasted time. It's so superficial. But there you were perfectly content to lie in bed with me. I love that we can talk so freely, yet don't feel awkward in our silence. It's not awkward for me anyway. _

It wasn't ever for me either!

_I made coffee for both of us while you made pancakes. We barely said a word to each other while in the kitchen. Each of us was still waking up going about our morning routine which is funny because we've never had a morning routine together, unless you count the times I fell asleep on your couch or in your bed at Georgetown. Back then we were always in such a hurry to get out the door we didn't have time for a routine. I'm so used to women who want to talk my ear off as soon as they wake in the morning. I'm not a talker in the morning I like to think, gather my thoughts plan the day. You know that, and you obviously remembered that from all those years ago. Of course you're just the same. _

She looked up from the laptop as an old memory crossed her mind. _Remember? Of course I remembered. How could I forget? _

"_Will, Will," she said, shaking him. _

"_What?" he said, rolling over in the bed trying to get comfortable and fall back to sleep. She hit him with one of the half dozen pillows that were sprawled across her bed. "Will wake up."_

"_Alicia?" He opened his eyes to hers that were staring back at him a broad smile across her lips. "Come on get up. We have our Constitutional law midterm in forty five minutes." He lifted himself up onto his elbows and looked at her. "What am I doing here?" She rolled her eyes and laughed. "You fell asleep there last night when I was reading through our notes one last time." _

"_Yeah, listening to you makes me sleepy!" he said, lying his head back down on the pillow. _

"_Excuse me?" she said, with raised eyebrows as she threw a pillow at him again. _

"_Ouch! Stop hitting me with the pillows." _

"_No, you just insulted me," she said, and tossed another one at him. _

_He grabbed her arm before she could reach for another. "I didn't mean it that way." _

"_Oh no? Then how exactly did you mean it?" she said with exaggeration. She continued to talk for five minutes running through all the reasons why it shouldn't bother him, and why he needed to get up. Once she had finished, and he could get a word in edge wise he said, _

"_I only meant that your voice soothes me. I like listening to you talk, but not in the morning. I don't like to talk in the morning, and I don't like to be talked too. Not until I've had time to shower, and think, and have my coffee. Now listen, it only takes ten minutes to walk to class from here. I'm sleeping for ten more minutes." He rolled over with his back towards her and closed his eyes again. She let him rest for two more minutes then hit him with the pillow again. _

"_Will I promise to not talk to you, but you don't have any clothes here, and we won't have time to get coffee and go to your apartment if you don't get up." She leaned over his side so she could see his closed eyes. _

"_What are you staring at?" he said, eyes closed. _

"_You!" _

_A smile crossed his lips and he turned over onto his back. She supported herself on her elbow next to him and continued to stare at him. "I'm going to get you back for waking me up," he said, staring at the ceiling. _

_She laughed. "Oh yeah how? Besides you'll thank me later for not allowing you to sleep through our midterm!"_

"_You're still talking!" he said. She didn't notice his hands move to the pillow setting across his stomach and before she could stop him he gently hit her with the pillow._

"_Oh you're going pay for that one Gardner!" She grabbed the pillow under her elbow and flings it at him. It turned into a pillow fight which he was winning, but she wouldn't give in until he put his pillow down, grabbed her and started to tickle her. After a minute of relentless tickling she did the only thing she could think of. She raised her head to his and kissed him. He immediately stopped tickling her and kissed her back. When they pulled away they were staring into each others eyes. _

"_I prefer to wake up to you kissing me in the mornings!" he said._

"_I'll make a mental note of that. Kiss to wake you up in the morning, and no talking!" she said, as she turned to the clock on the bedside table. "Will, we have to go. We'll be late. You'll have to settle for coffee from my coffee pot this morning." She pushed him off of her. Five minutes later they were running to class to take their midterm. _

A quiet laugh escaped her as she remembered that pillow fight. Then another memory crossed her mind, one she'd forgotten. _We had another pillow fight about two months into our relationship a few years ago. I wonder if he wrote about it? I wonder if he remembered the one at Georgetown? Little did he know all of those years ago that I was the same way. I like to gather my thoughts in morning. In fact I used to love it once Zach and Grace left for school in the mornings. I needed quiet in the morning, just a little._ She thought as she turned her attention back to his entry.

_It was almost comical, the two of us sitting at your counter eating reading the paper in near silence. By the time we'd finished eating we were ready to talk some more. Talk we did for the rest for the day. _

_Talking to you has always been easy, never strained. I've never been afraid to just say what I think around you. That's what I love about this I don't have to guess what you're thinking you just tell me. All except for the relationship itself. You told me from the beginning we wouldn't talk about us. We would just see how it went for awhile, test the waters. I can live with that. I know it scares you, maybe not scare, but worries you. The fear of being caught runs deep in your veins. That's fair. Even if you and Peter are separated, if word of this got out, it would be a huge embarrassment for you. I know you're worried about Grace and Zach finding out. You don't want to upset the waters if things don't work out between us._

_Exactly! _She thought to herself. _We had many good weekends. But the first was amazing. You're right that weekend seemed like we'd been together for years. It was comfortable. The love making was great and frequent, but part of that was that we could. We could just be us behind the locked doors of my apartment or yours."_

_You know what one of my most favorite parts of this whole weekend was aside from the sex? Saturday night. It was like being back at Georgetown. We ordered take out, and watched a movie on the couch. It was such a normal thing to do. It was just like old times after a long week of classes. This was a real break from work and it was great just being able to put my arms around you and pretend for a few hours that we were the only ones in the world. I hope we get more Saturday nights on the couch watching movies, and eating popcorn._

She smiled at this. They had similar experiences to this whenever the kids were with Peter for the weekend, or over night.. It became one of a short list of things they could do with each other without going out into public. They went out for dinners, or lunch some, but they always had to be in work attire, and they didn't frequent the same restaurants on the weekends. When they did go out they couldn't hold hands, and had to keep the seductive looks to a minimum. It was hard like he said, to be enemies by day and lovers by night, or even at lunch, as the case may be.  
_  
__**May 12, 2011**_

_Some days I just can't help myself, and it's hard to keep under control when we are on the same case together. There are too many opportunities for me to be right next to you and purposefully brush against you. Touching you sends shock waves through me. We hadn't been together in a week and it was killing me. We are on this case with some British lawyers arguing to a judge overseas, so our work hours are all off. When I told you today in my office that I was having fantasies about you, and you said you could dress up, and then I said I wanted to take you right then, I thought you'd tell me I had to wait, especially when Diane walked past my office with piercing hawk like eyes. I'm worried she's beginning to catch us in our bluff. At any rate, I never thought you'd agree to an encounter in my bathroom. That was hot, but very risky. We probably shouldn't do it again. It was fun and exhilarating because we got away with it. But it's too dangerous. If we think we won't be able to see each other at night, or during the week, we'll have to schedule lunches. I'm pretty sure I can't go through another full week without your warm bare skin touching mine.  
_  
_**May 28, 2011**_

_You make everything right in my world. Today wasn't the first time you've shown up with coffee for me, or sent a text when I needed one, but I was in a bad mood today. I woke up in a bad mood for no particular reason, and when I got to the office you walked in not five minutes later with a cup of my favorite coffee. Later on I didn't have time for lunch. We were supposed to meet at that cafe across the street from the courthouse, but the judge went right through lunch. When I walked out of court an hour later you were there waiting. You took me down the hall away from the crowds, and pulled out my favorite sandwich from your bag. "I wouldn't want you to starve!" You said smiling at me. I was still in a bad mood, but it made me smile just for a minute. You sat with me for a few minutes telling me about the case you're on. Then you asked how my trial was going. This is one of the things that I love about you, that I can just tell you how it is. "Awful, I'm losing." I said with my mouth full. You tried to offer some good counter arguments, which I appreciated, but we only had our closing arguments left, and there wasn't much room to add anything that would sway the jury one way or the other. I love that you don't try to sugar coat anything. "Well you can't win them all Will." You said, as you got up to leave. It was a very true and honest statement, even if I don't like losing. _

_Five hours later I had officially lost my case I was not happy, we should have won, but you can never really tell which way a jury will go. You ended up working late and we were the only ones left in the office. I was wallowing in my own misery. I didn't even know you were still at the office, but sure enough at ten you came walking down the hall to my office with that smile that drives me absolutely crazy to once again add a little good to a bad day. _

_You know there was a time when I wished I had someone to talk to at the end of the day after a verdict had come in, good or bad. If it was good I wanted someone to celebrate with. If it had gone against me I wanted someone to talk to, and there you were. You came and sat next to me on my couch. I didn't even have to say anything. You could tell how the verdict had gone. "Rough day?" you said. "Yeah, how was yours?" _

"_Good! It was a slow day for me. Just wrapping up final prep for the case next week." you said. I'm looking forward to next week. We'll be on the same case again. We talked for a few more minutes, and then you had to go. I didn't want you to go, but I knew you had too. You have two very important commitments, and I understand that. I'm just glad you didn't leave without giving me a long warm kiss. _

Alicia smiled once again. _I guess I could always tell if you were having a bad day. You certainly always knew when I was!_


	17. Lady In Red

**A/N; A big thanks to everyone who has stuck with this. I realize it's been an embarrassingly long time since I last updated. I****'****ve gone back through this story and re-done a lot of it, hence the delay. It was my first FF and it needed a lot of work. Although not perfect, I think it****'****s a better read now. Updates should come more regularly now for anyone who is still interested! A huge thanks to guategal, goodwifefan, and strawberrysab for your encouragement and helpful suggestions on this story!**

_**Sunday May 15, 2011**_

_Sometimes I look back and regret some of the decisions I've made. Today was one of those days. It's interesting the thoughts and memories that cross your mind when you see an old acquaintance, an old romantic acquaintance. The day I saw you in the elevator three years ago was like a breath of fresh air. It was a reunion with an old friend who I hadn't seen in years. It was exciting. I wanted to talk and get caught up on our lives over the past fifteen years. _

_There was that in stark contrast to my feelings when our opposing council walked into the office today. Celeste Sarrano. It's been ten or so years since I've seen her. Dealing with the looks, the snide remarks, and quite frankly her not so subtle flirtations, have made me realize how different my life used to be. I went a bit off the deep end after you. I hadn't realized until recently, how reckless and dangerous a life I__'__d lived for a few years until this week. Quite frankly I'm lucky I came out on top as far as work went. I suppose a life of ninety hour work weeks, poker games, betting the months rent on sports and sleeping around is something you can do when you're twenty five. But not at forty five. Some people never change. Now that I'm older, and slightly wiser I wonder what I could have done with the wasted time on the rare weekend I wasn't working back then. You were busy making a life for yourself. Raising two kids and taking care of a home and husband all those years ago. You grew up. It took me a few years to grow up. _

_I'd work just as hard if I had it to do over again and would still be where I am now as a lawyer. But thinking about the past this week I realized I would have changed one thing. In the end it may have made no difference in the way our lives turned out, but what if it had? Of all the things that ever happened between us I only have one regret. That is not telling you exactly how I felt about you when we were second years at Georgetown. I took you for a walk in the freezing cold one night with the intention of telling you exactly how I felt, that I loved you and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. But I chickened out. I couldn't bring myself to commit to something that significant for the rest of my life. Maybe someday I'll have the chance to reconcile that decision_. _Celeste will be here for at least one more week. If you weren't assigned to this case with me I'd try to pass it on to Diane._

Alicia paused again for a moment. While this walk down memory lane was good in many ways, some of it was hard to swallow. She would never know how things would have been if it had been she and Will from the beginning. She would never know if they could have made a relationship work so many years later. And it admittedly saddened her some.

_**Friday May 20, 2011**_

_These depositions are never going to end. I don't think we'll reach a settlement. The only good thing about this week has been sitting next to you through the long hours, and of course our lunch breaks! The turn of the seasons from spring to summer has done something to you. Maybe to me, because we didn't eat lunch a single day this week! We left for lunch, never together of course. What am I supposed to do when I get a text message from you in the middle of depositions that reads, _

_Lunch? Your place, I have something to show you!_

_And then you watched me read it from across the table, I looked over for a brief moment so as not to get caught, and you gave me that look. That seductive, I want you now look. That look that makes my whole body quiver, and causes me to turn senseless like putty in your hands. And that was Monday. Five days ago. _

Alicia recalled that week of intimate lunches, including her surprise for Will.

_"So you have something to show me?" he said, just after he'd closed the door to his apartment. Placing his hands on her waist and pressing her up against the wall he placed his lips to hers in a passionate kiss. She lifted her hands to his suit coat taking no time to slip it off. She moved quickly to his tie, then the buttons on his shirt._

_"I do! I bought it just for you!" She pulled away and walked towards the bedroom. He hurried after her reaching her just before she got to his bedroom and wrapped his arms around her waist turning her into him and kissing her again. She playfully pushed him back. "Patience Mr. Gardner!" _

_He held his grasp on her and pulled her closer. "What if I don't want to be patient?" he said, reaching up to undo the few buttons to her blazer. _

_"How do you know I'm wearing the surprise?" she said, raising her brow to him. He stopped after having removed her jacket and smirked._

_"Call it a lucky guess!" _

_He reached behind her unzipping her skirt which caused it to fall to the floor. Her white blouse was all that remained between him and the surprise. _

_"Go sit on the bed while I take this off,__"__ she said, reaching for the top button to her blouse. He put on a pout face but did as he was told, knowing he would soon be rewarded for his obedience. He almost couldn't handle it with her just feet away as she slowly and seductively removed her blouse to reveal a very see through red lace bra, and matching panties._

_She slowly walked over to him. Once there, he ran his hands up and down every curve of her body all the while gazing into her eyes. "You know I love you in red!" he said. _

_She leaned over and took his chin into her hands. "I know" Then placed a hard passionate kiss to his lips pushing him down to the bed. _

She shook her head, and then spent a few more minutes recalling their other encounters that week before moving on.

_It's Friday now, and I have had that image of you in your __surprise__, in my head all week! It's been distracting. All week you__'__ve been sending text messages from across the table, or sitting just one or two seats from me. All they read all week were __"__Lunch?__"__ I can't get over how fast paced and intense you've insisted on being all week. We get to our__ "__lunch__"__ most days at my place, and you can't seem to get the clothes off fast enough. When I asked about it today, the intensity and rush of things, you just said we had to make the most of our hour. Our hour that's really more like thirty minutes, but filled with pure pleasure! Next week if you keep this up we're going to the hotel down the street from the office to save time. But this weekend it's my turn for a surprise. I have it all worked out. Operation breakfast in bed commences in six hours. _

Alicia sat back in the bed trying to remember what that could have been. Then it hit her causing a smile to cross her lips.

_She blinked her eyes a few times coming out of sleep thinking it must have been a dream, but then she heard it again, a knock on the front door. She turned to look at the time on the alarm clock. It read 5:00am. She was a bit irritated. It was Saturday, and she had planned on sleeping in. The kids were with Peter. She had no plans other than doing a little work, and grocery shopping later in the day. She turned over on her back hoping whoever it was had the wrong apartment and would go away. But then there was another knock slightly louder this time. She pulled back the sheets and slowly made her way to the door. She was not amused. It had been a long week. She pulled open the door and crossed her arms over her chest ready to let whoever it was have it for waking her up. But just as she went to speak she stopped. There in front of her was a grinning Will with? Grocery bags in hand. _

_"Surprise!" he said, moving past her and into the apartment. She glared at him, she was not about o let him get away with this easily._

_"You woke me up," she said, following him into the kitchen._

_"I know, go back to bed!" he said, placing a kiss on her forehead, _

_"What are you doing here?" she said. _

_He placed the bags on the counter, and then turned to face her. __"__I came to make you breakfast!" _

_She just stared at him. She was more tired than she realized. "But, I don't, why didn't you just call?" _

_"Because, it was more fun to just show up! Now go back to bed." _

_"But I, your just going to, what are you going to do while I sleep?" _

_"I'm going to put a few things in the fridge, and join you in bed!" _

_"Are we going to get any sleep?" she said eyeing him._

_"As much as you want." He smiled and let go of her moving to the bags he'd brought. She turned to go back to the bedroom, but then spun around pointing a finger at him. _

_"Don't think your going to get away with waking me up this easily." _

_He chuckled. "Noted, but I don't think you'll mind so much after some more sleep, and breakfast!" _

_She couldn't help but smile a little then rolled her eyes. "We'll see" She turned back around and headed straight for the bedroom. _

_A few minutes later he crawled into bed next to her wrapping his arm around her waist and placing a kiss on her cheek. "I'm sleeping," she said. _

_"I know!" He continued to watch her. She knew he was watching and after a few minutes she turned to face him. _

_"Are you just going to watch me for the next few hours?" She was trying hard to play annoyance, but it wasn't working. She had to admit this was pretty sweet of him, and she did like having him in bed next to her. _

_"I might!" She lightly punched him and leaned in for a kiss. "Get some sleep, I expect this breakfast to be good, and it won't be if you're tired!" _

_A few hours later she woke to a wonderful aroma coming from the kitchen. She smiled and went to climb out of bed just as he came in holding a tray. He set the tray in front of her then sat down next to her. "What are you doing?" she asked smiling. _

_"Bringing you breakfast in bed! It's a surprise, remember!" he said smiling back at her. _

_She looked at the plate of food in front of her, pancakes, eggs, juice coffee, he'd even folded the napkin that held her utensils. "I didn't know you knew how to cook,__"__ she said, turning her gaze back to his. _

_"I don__'__t really, but I do know how to make breakfast!" _

_"It looks good!" she said, taking the fork and cutting into the pancakes. "These are wonderful! Here you have to try some." She cut another piece and held the fork to his mouth. _

_"I'm glad you approve/!" he said. _

The morning ended up being wonderful despite her initial annoyance with him. She clicked on the next entry and began reading.

_**Sunday May 29, 2011**_

_We just spent two day at hotel together. I just wish it hadn__'__t been with four other attorneys, and apposing counsel. I was slightly concerned that Celeste would try to continue her flirting with me in an effort to make you upset. Which she did try to do, but as I suspected you could have cared less. That is the difference between someone who is secure in a relationship, and someone who is __obviously__ jealous. The only upside to the two days was that at night once everyone had gone back to their own rooms we were allowed some time alone. There was a sense of freedom being in the hotel because we had to be. No one suspected anything if we were together, and there were no reasons either of us had to leave late at night because we had commitments the next morning or we were afraid the kids would come home __unexpectedly__. The advantage to both of us having our own rooms aside from the one we were using for work was __that__ we could spend the entire night together and no one would be the wiser. I need to look into cases that would force this situation to come up again. Even better would be a case that involved the two of traveling out of town. I can__'__t even imagine a few days with you in a completely different city. That would lend itself to some very exceptional moments! _


	18. Not Just a Routine

**A/N: Welcome and thank you to the new followers over the past few weeks! And thank you to all of you who have continued to review and stick with this for so long!**

_**Thursday June 16, 2011**_

_We have established a routine now and I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. Being together is still fun and exhilarating! I just don't want our time together to become something we do because it's been scheduled. I want it to continue to be something we do because we like to be together. Every Tuesday and Thursday we block out the same lunch hour in our schedules. Every other weekend when your kids are with Peter, we spend Saturday afternoon and evening together, and the occasional Friday night. It's just hard to know where we stand when we don't ever talk about the relationship. We're only two months in, and I guess I shouldn't try to read too much into things yet, but sometimes I realize I've grown a little possessive, or protective of you. I've become keenly aware in recent weeks of the way other men look at you when we're out, and I don't like it. I don't know if the looks are a new thing, or if I just never noticed before. Either way, I notice now, and I don't even know if it's my place to care that they look at you the way they do, but I do care. _

_**Wednesday June 29, 2011**_

_I think it's safe to say that Diane and Eli have backed off a bit with their not so discreet watch over us. Although, I don't enjoy pretending we are at odds on so many work issues. Our plan has seemed to work, but it hasn't eased your anxiety when we're out in public together. It's smart, but sometimes I get a kick out of your meticulousness in keeping just the right amount distance between us when we're walking down the halls in the courthouse. Even better is when we go to lunch together. You are sure to have a notepad and a few files set out on the table so that any question as to our relationship would be taken as one of pure business. What I really love is when you glance around a restaurant, and then when you're sure no one is looking you give me a seductive look and tilt of the head, which I of course return in kind!_

_It's your meticulousness of our actions when we're completely alone in public areas, such as the office late at night, that I haven't quite figured out. I'm sure the caution and apprehension in contact between us is a mere automatic reaction rather than a conscious one. Take for instance your reaction last night._

_We were both sitting comfortably on the sofa in my office. The heels you had been wearing had been removed a good two hours earlier. You were at one end of the sofa and I was at the other. Our conversation eventually turned from work to the news headlines of the week. Eventually you put your feet up on my lap. I'm sure it was a subconscious move, it's something you do when we're at your apartment or mine. I took the opportunity to give those feet a good massage. Our conversation continued without real acknowledgement as to what I was doing._

_Eventually I told you to turn and let me massage your shoulders, which you gladly did. I don't know how you can walk around all day with a neck so tight. I'm sure it has to do with this case Diane has you on more than anything else. She's been asking quite a bit of you lately. Our conversation slowed for a few minutes when you closed your eyes. Clearly your thoughts had drifted somewhere else. Contrary to what you argued a few minutes later, I'm pretty sure you were beginning to fall asleep because your body began to relax against me._

_There's something about being that close to you that I can't resist. The perfect soft skin of your neck is irresistible. So I leaned over and started placing soft kisses on it. You seemed to enjoy the attention for a few moments until you snapped back into reality and realized where we were. You immediately moved out of my reach realizing we were very exposed to the outside world of the empty office halls. I had to chuckle at your reaction. You nearly scolded me for kissing you in "public"._

_What I can't determine is where the invisible line is for showing affection to one another when we're not locked behind closed doors. What is the difference between an empty office and no one seeing me massage your feet or neck for twenty minutes, as opposed to an empty office and me kissing you? There isn't much of one in my opinion, but apparently there is because you saw no humor in the situation when I chuckled at your reaction. You said, "Will you can't do that?" I stood and took the few steps to stand in front of you and placed my hands on your shoulders. _

_"Why Not? No one is here." I responded._

Then you rolled your eyes. "What if someone did come back in and saw us?"

_I couldn't help but chuckle again before responding with, "No one saw us. It's midnight. No one is here, and no one is coming. Even the cleaning crew is gone for the night." _

_You relaxed some and allowed me to place my arms around you again. But I could tell you didn't fully agree because then you said, "We just have to be careful." _

"_I know, and we are," I replied. Sadly that was the end of our evening. I'm getting to a point where I don't like to say goodbye at the end of the day. I'd much prefer to be with you at the end of more of my days, but it can't be that way. Not right now anyway.  
_  
After reading that entry Alicia sat back against the soft pillows of the bed and closed her eyes. _He always gave the best foot massages. _She thought to herself.

The headache she'd had earlier in the day was starting to show it's ugly face once again. In all likelihood it was partially due to the stress of the past few days. If someone had placed their hands to massage her shoulders and neck now they would likely be as much or more tense than they had been that night with Will. She opened her eyes again and turned her gaze to the ensuite. She got up and made her way to the large bathroom to get some pills for her head. In entering she glanced over to the jetted tub and decided her aching muscles might benefit just as much from a hot bubble bath as opposed to the medication.

A few minutes later she sat on the edge of the tub wrapped in the soft, plush hotel bath robe running the hot water. It was funny how being in this place and doing some of the same things she and Will had done in this place, brought back such vivid memories and feelings to her mind. As she watched the water flow into the tub she could almost feel Will behind her like he had been that night with a white towel wrapped around his waist. She closed her eyes remembering as the water continued to fill the large tub.

_"I'm really more of a shower kind of guy," he said coming up behind her wrapping his arms around her as she bent over to check the temperature of the water._

_"Me too, but I like a good long hot bath every so often. Especially a bubble bath in an oversized jetted tub and someone to share it with!" She stood and turned to face him as he moved his hands to untie the knot she had holding the robe in place around her body. She leaned in and kissed his lips as he slid the robe off of her shoulders causing it to pool on the floor at her feet. After pulling away she said, "Not to mention that we should take advantage of all that seventy-eight hundred dollars has provided us with! We can shower after if you want!"_

_He pressed his body closer to hers and began placing soft kisses along her neck. "I don't ever want this night to end," he whispered in her ear before placing more kisses further down her neck._

She shook her head as she climbed into the tub and sank into the bubbles keeping just her head above water. The feel of the bubbles and the jets against her skin was soothing and relaxing as she closed her eyes remembering the rest of the time they had spent in the tub that night. He'd been so gentle yet so passionate that night. She badly missed the gentle touch of his lips to her skin, and the smell of his cologne, but was grateful to have the memories.

She remained in the tub for quite awhile. This little excursion to the hotel had had a purpose, but it was two fold. It was to take the time to read through his thoughts, but it was also a much needed break for her, even if it was only twenty four hours. She needed the peace and quiet without the interruptions and concern for what was going on out in the world around her.

Eventually she pulled herself out of the tub and put her comfortable pajamas back on. She took the laptop back out into the living area and sat on chaise near the window placing a glass of wine on the end table near by before she began to read again.

_**Tuesday July 5, 2011**__  
_

_I'll have to disturb this peaceful moment soon so we can go to work, but I would love to wake up to this every morning! You in bed sleeping peacefully next to me. I woke early, I have a big trial beginning in two days and still have hours of work ahead before I'll be ready. I tried to work for awhile without disturbing you, but with you asleep across the hotel room from me, it's hard to concentrate on work. The sun is just beginning to rise and the view of Fairmont Park and the lake from here is breathtaking. We spent a wonderful few hours together last night! Sitting near the window with you in my arms watching the fireworks over the lake in the distance was definitely one of those "exceptional moments" as you like to call them. _

_This was the first full night we've spent together in a hotel that wasn't for work related reasons. This Independence Day excursion was your idea. I wasn't expecting to see you at all yesterday. You had plans most of the day including an appearance with Peter at one of the cities Independence Day celebrations. I was planning on working the entire day, but then you sent me a text late in the afternoon and said to meet you here at nine. Apparently your kids had front row seats to one of the firework shows with Peter and would be spending the night with him. _

Alicia looked up from the laptop and out into the Chicago night skyline. She reached for the glass of wine as her thoughts traveled back to that night.

_"Hi, I'm here. When can you meet me?" she spoke into the phone._

_"I'll be there in half hour," Will replied. "Have you eaten?"_

_"No, I thought maybe you could grab something on the way?"_

_"Your usual?" he said, grabbing his keys off the coffee table in his apartment. Then he chuckled into the phone at the thought that they had spent enough time together that he knew what her usual was._

"_Yes! What's so funny?" _

"_Nothing, I'll be there soon!"_

"_Okay but hurry, you don't want to miss the fireworks. There's a really great view from here!" _

_Forty minutes later he arrived with a knock on the door, and take out in hand. When the door closed behind him she gave him a kiss on the cheek and took the food from him, moving further into the room she placed it on the coffee table. _

"_Thank you, I'm starving," she said, sitting down on the sofa. In the beginning of their relationship as soon as they were together behind closed doors they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. But as time went on and things progressed, it became more than an opportunity to sleep with each other. It certainly wasn't lacking in that area, but on weekends, and nights like this it was also about just being together, and enjoying the other's company. Alicia had realized earlier in the day that if the kids were going to be with Peter, she didn't want to spend the holiday alone which was her reason for making the hotel reservation and calling Will. _

_After they ate Will had a surprise and pulled out a box of red, white, and blue striped chocolate covered strawberries. Alicia smiled at the gesture. _

"_Will, I'm full," she protested moving to sit on his lap. _

"_Come on just one bite," he said taking a strawberry from the box and holding it to her lips. _

"_One bite now and more later," she said, taking a bite from the sweet berry as she began to unbutton his shirt. He placed the rest of the berry in his mouth, and then pressed his lips to hers. _

_Later they sat together in the dimly lit room on an oversized chair in front of the large window. She was wrapped in a sheet and he sat behind her with boxers and an undershirt on with his arms wrapped gently around her. They sat in silence watching the large fireworks display booming over the lake in front of them. She lay snuggled into his chest and he ran his hand up and down her bare arm. _

"_You've got to give the city credit for such a great display," he said, relaxing his arm around her. _

"_Yes, it really is something," she replied. _

_Once the fireworks had ended Will leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Thank you for tonight!" _

_She turned her head towards him. "Your welcome!" _

_He smiled gently to her. "No, I really mean it. It's been a long time since I did something on the fourth other than sit a sports bar watching the game. This was much better."_

_She smiled back placing her hand to his chin pulling him down for a kiss. _

Alicia took another sip of her wine before placing it back on the end table. She remembered that night going on for much longer. They had watched the last innings of a few games, eaten more of the strawberries, made love again, and had laid in bed together talking before she had fallen asleep.

As she turned her attention back his entry she remembered waking the following morning and seeing him across the room on his laptop. She'd even asked him what he was doing, and he had responded with work. It was sweet now and slightly amusing, to think that he'd actually been writing about her when she had awoken.

_We may have just been in this room the entire night, but this was one of the best holidays I've had in a long time. I don't know, seeing you lay there as the morning sun rises and the sunlight begins to reflect off your skin is a sight to behold. It's almost to perfect. All of this the past few months has almost been too perfect, too good, I can't help but wonder if it's all a dream, and if at some point I'll wake up and be thrown back into the harsh reality of my life three years ago without you. _

Alicia looked up once again as a thought crossed her mind. _It is a pretty harsh reality Will.  
_


	19. Ashbaugh, The Beginning

**A/N; I've decided to change the format of Will's entries. Instead of him writing them to Alicia and referring to her as "you" I'm going with "Alicia, and her." I think this will make the entries flow better, and be closer to what one would actually write in a journal. Thank you all again for staying with this after so much time!  
**

_**July 9, 2011**_

_These weekends that I am forced to spend alone, lead to far too much time for thought. Even with a small amount of work, an hour at the batting cages, and a few lonely drinks in a bar, I can't seem to get Alicia out of mind for very long. Where I used to dread Monday mornings, they now can't come quickly enough._

_Relationships, our relationship, is a complicated thing. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the sneaking around, all the deception, all the lying. If it is, is that really a good basis to build a healthy long lasting relationship on? Not likely, but at what point do we stop sneaking, deceiving, and lying? I don't have a good answer for this, and I don't like not having a clear path to follow. I realize you're never given a clear vision of the end result of a relationship when one first begins, that's part of the beauty in a new relationship. But dating, someone who is married, always leads one to question the intent of the other person. You, as the unmarried person in the scenario, wonder if you are just being used as a temporary measure to fill a void in someone else's empty heart. Or if that person has real lasting feelings for you? If they do, at what point do you ask them, or at what point do they decide, that they're ready to leave the marriage, and commit to you? At this point, only a few months into our relationship, I wouldn't dare try and force Alicia to make a decision. Though my feelings for her are strong, I don't know that I'm ready to make that decision either and go through the mess that exposing our relationship would cause. _

Alicia sighed heavily. He had pretty much hit that nail right on the head. She didn't know, if someone had asked her at that particular time in their relationship, if she was using him to fill a void, or if it had been genuine feelings for him that kept her in the relationship. She felt a slight tinge of guilt as well, because when she hadn't been with him on the weekends she still had plenty to do. She still had Zach and Grace to love, and spend time with. She could honestly say she hadn't really thought about how his weekends during that time may have been long and uneventful because he wasn't looking for other relationships at the time.

_J**uly 20, 2011**_

_I've had a client for about a month now who is eccentric to say the least. I assigned him to Alicia about a week ago because she can handle him and all of his eccentricities. He has about a dozen law suits he's fighting right now. Honestly, the real reason I turned him over to Alicia, other than I know she can handle him, is that I couldn't handle another appointment with him. He insists on playing Bach in the background at every appointment, and there are many appointments. _

Alicia paused rolling her eyes. _I knew it! I knew you couldn't take another minute of him!_ She chuckled remembering how he'd first pitched this new client to her._ "I need you to take this client for me Alicia. I have too many other cases right now to give Ashbaugh the time he needs." _Another chuckle._ Oh please Will, no one had the time Ashbaugh thought he needed! _

The reminder of Ashbaugh was bittersweet. She had no idea that when she first met Mathew Ashbaugh, that he would play such an integral role in the building up and destruction of her relationship with Will.

_We can't just give this client the boot, as much as I would like to. He brings with him a lot in billable hours. Alicia will give him the attention he needs, wants actually, and make the firm a great deal of money in the process.  
_  
_The looks she gives me when I pass the conference room, or peak into her office when she meets with him, at some point I'll pay a high price for her hand holding of this client. I don't mind paying for things like this, assigning her difficult clients. It makes for a good impression with Diane, and leads to more of a need for Alicia to get out all of the built up annoyance. Which is fun for both of us! She's meeting with him tomorrow, the third time this week. I should probably prepare for a confrontation with her at some point. Even the best of lawyers, as she is, would be near the end of their rope at this point. I certainly was._

Alicia looked up from the laptop, remembering exactly how he had paid for giving her this client in those early stages.

_"What are those?" he said, when she had walked into his office without knocking, and dropped the heavy stack of files on his desk._

_"I'm giving you your client back," she said, sitting in the chair in front of him._

_"What client?" he said, with a grin that she didn't appreciate._

_"You know what client!" she said, with annoyance. "I don't care if you fire me Will, but I cannot sit in another meeting with him and listen to that music one more time!"_

_He couldn't help but laugh._

_"This isn't funny Will! Aside from the music, I don't like the way he looks at me," she said, sitting up placing a hand on his desk._

"_The way he looks at you?" he questioned sincerely, holding the smug grin across his lips._

_She rolled her eyes. "Yes, the way he looks at me! How is it that I end up with all the crazy clients? Sweeney, Ashbaugh, Bishop?"_

_"Bishop isn't crazy. He's dangerous!" he said, leaning forward placing his hands on his desk._

_A stern look crossed her features. "Like dangerous is any better! I don't complain, I rarely even question when you and Diane put me on cases, but this guy drives me nuts! Can't you assign him to someone else?"_

_"No," he said, in a completely serious tone. He knew he should be more helpful, more considerate, but he was getting to much pleasure out of seeing her frustration because she so rarely showed any of it._

_"No? That's all you're going to say? You're not going to offer to help, offer to meet with us when he comes in again?"_

_He shook his head. "No"_

_She stared at him for a moment and then realized what he was doing. "You're doing this on purpose aren't you? You think this is funny me coming into your office all up in arms?"_

_He just smiled. She sighed and stood. "I'm going to go talk to Diane about this, someone more mature!" she turned pretending to be angry and headed for the door._

_"Wait," he said, standing from his desk, moving towards her._

_She reached for the doorknob. "No" She was turned away from him. A slight smile crossed her lips. She knew if she had been anyone else he would have let them walk out the door without another thought, but this was her._

_"I'm sorry," he said, apologetically. He moved behind her. She erased the smile from her lips before turning to face him._

_"How sorry are you?" she said, raising her brow._

_He looked briefly to the floor, placing his hands in his pockets. _

_"Dinner?"_

_"Just dinner?" she said, folding her arms across her chest._

_"Dinner, and some Dolce chocolate!"_

_"Dolce, dark chocolate covered wine grapes?" she said, moving closer to him._

_He looked back into her eyes. "Yes, one of your favorites!"_

_She looked down at her watch, and then glanced back up to him. "You promise to meet with me and Ashbaugh next week… and I'll accept your apology!"_

_"Promise!" he said, the smile returning to his lips._

_"Then you better hurry, the only cafe in the city that sells your apology closes in an hour! I'll be to your place in two!"_

She sat back and smiled. The specialty chocolate had been something Will had fallen upon accidentally one day at a meeting with a client who was small business owner. She sold it in her boutique/cafe. It was very expensive and had been something Alicia had only shared with Will. She made a mental note to call the woman who was now one of her clients, to see if she still sold the chocolate in her café.


	20. Much Needed Weekend

**A/N; Again, a huge thank you to all of you who have stuck with this! The few paragraphs in this where Alicia and Will are on the boat, are an adaptation from one of my other stories, lest any of you should wonder! And it would be a lie if I didn't admit that some of this chapter was inspired by the previews for 7x16. I mean let's face it, Will and Alicia must have had a few weekends together, other than NYC!  
**

_**August 4, 2011**_

_Our first argument as, well as whatever it is Alicia and I are, happened this week. It wasn't even really an argument. A little squabble would be a better term. Work has been overbearing the past month. With the economy in its current state, more and more firms are closing their doors. I wouldn't want to be a third-year law student in this economy. Legal jobs are very hard to come by these days. The lull in the economy has brought our firm more business, a good thing overall. But stress levels seem to be at a peak among everyone at work._

_A few days ago I was frustrated and snapped at Alicia because she hadn't finished revising, and adding her part, to a brief I needed. I immediately regretted it. I don't know which part of it hurt her more, the fact that she really had no control over the situation, or the fact that I stooped so low as to yell at her for no good reason. She tried to hide the hurt in her eyes with anger, but I could see right through it. Why is it that we end up hurting the people we care about the most?_

Alicia shook her head. I was hurt by both Will. And I've asked myself that question a million times in the past year.

_I think she was a little shocked at first. I don't tend to lose my temper, and especially not with her. I'm just glad it happened behind closed doors, no need to embarrass both of us. Probably because of the immense stress she's been under, she came right back at me. I love that about her! The fact that she stands up for herself and won't let anyone blame her for things that aren't her fault. I think that's a trait she's acquired, or reacquired in the past few years._

_I knew immediately I'd crossed the wrong line, but before I could apologize, she was at my throat. Her eyes filled with hurt, and anger. When she countered me by saying, "I'm almost done revising the brief. Don't blame me for the minor mistakes in it. I'm not the one who wrote it, you are! And if I hadn't spent the morning trying to solve Eli's legal issues, and the entire afternoon in David Lee's office negotiating a divorce agreement, for no apparent reason because its headed to court next week. Then maybe I would have had time to catch your mistake. But don't you dare put this on me. I'm sorry the judge won't admit that one phone call into evidence, but it's not my fault! Get Kalinda on it. I'll bet that between the two of you, you can find a way to get it admitted anyway!" I didn't really have a foot to stand on. It's nearly impossible to be angry at her when she's all bent out of shape, because it's usually a turn on. But I was far too stressed out at the time to not be frustrated._

_She wouldn't let me say a word, and when she was done with her rant, she kicked me out of her office. I was still upset, taking on the attitude that I am still her boss. I needed things to get done. That attitude only made things worse, because I told her either way I needed the brief by the end of the day as I exited her office._

_She emailed the brief to me an hour later. It was in far better condition than anyone else in the office would have done. She didn't speak to me for two days. Every time I went to apologize, someone was in her office, or she would pretend to be on the phone if she saw me._

_She did acknowledge my presence today in Diane's office. And when I pulled her aside afterward and apologized, she said she accepted my apology. But that was all she said, and she wasn't all that convincing. We need a break from work, and that's exactly what I'm going to give her this weekend - whether she wants it or not. In all honesty she's the only thing keeping me sane at work right now. I need her back on my side. Operation "weekend off" begins tomorrow night.  
_  
Alicia couldn't help but chuckle at the memory. She knew she'd drawn her pretend anger out for longer than was necessary, but she felt he deserved every minute of it. She wasn't going to let him get away easily with how unfairly he'd treated her.

Her memories were quickly turned to the weekend he planned for them spontaneously. Zach and Grace were spending the weekend with Peter. A blessing she thought as she sat at her desk in the early evening. She had a ton of work to do, and didn't have much time to devote to the kids over the weekend, or so she thought.

_She'd gone home around nine, completely exhausted. She refused to look at work for at least fourteen hours. She'd settled on the sofa, remote in one hand, wine glass in the other. Had it been any other weekend where the kids were away, she would have invited Will to join her. But she wanted him to suffer for at least one more night. Soon after settling, a knock came to the front door. She almost didn't get up to answer it, but thought better of it. _

_She opened the door to find Will, with a bouquet of flowers in hand. She folded her arms across her chest, and waited for him to speak. _

"_I'm sorry!" He held the flowers out for her to take. She couldn't play the anger card any longer, not with him standing there flowers in hand with the most sheepish look on his face she'd ever seen. _

_She smiled and took the flowers from him, allowing him in pass the threshold. It had been an entire week since his lips had been allowed to touch hers, but when he went to give her a kiss she backed away raising a brow to him. "Not that easily! What do you want?" She was definitely playing with him now, and he knew it. _

"_Pack a bag, and come spend the weekend at my place."_

_"Will, I have a ton of work to get done this weekend! I can't fool around!" _

_"Alicia, don't argue with me. We need to take a break from life for a few days. And you can't do that here. Come to my place, and we can do some work, but for the most part relax." _

_He moved closer to her wrapping his arms around her. "I'd say I was your boss, and tell you that work can wait, but that might get me into trouble again!" he said, with a grin_

_She couldn't help but chuckle. Who was she kidding? She couldn't resist his dark brown eyes, or the scent of his cologne. "It won't get you into trouble if you stick to your word, and realize come Monday morning, I may not have everything completed that you need finished." _

"_I can live with that!" He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. _

_An hour later they were at his place nestled together under the sheets of his bed, her head resting on his chest. "So what do you have planned for our weekend?" _

"_You mean other than this!" he said with a sly grin. _

"_Yes, other than this!" She rolled her eyes. _

"_You'll just have to wait and see!" He kissed the top of her head. _

_**/ **_

_The next morning she was in the kitchen making breakfast out of the few supplies she'd found in his kitchen. She laughed under her breath - he really was a bachelor!_

_He'd been watching her from around the corner for a few minutes. She knew he was there, but didn't say anything. It was nice to be admired sometimes. "Morning!" she said, as he appeared from his hiding place. _

_"Good morning," he said, coming up behind her wrapping his arms around her waist, planting a kiss on her cheek._

_"How did you sleep?" he said._

"_Really well!" She turned and kissed his lips, enjoying her first taste of breakfast. "So what do you have planned for today Mr. Gardner?" _

_He pulled away. "Don't worry about it, I have it all worked out. You are at my mercy this weekend, remember?"_

_She rolled her eyes, and smiled. "Okay, just let me know what I need to wear." _

_"Nothing for awhile!" He leaned in and kissed her again. "I want you to relax this weekend." He gently lifted her, and carried her to the bathroom. _

"_Will, what about breakfast?" she protested. _

"_This is breakfast!" he smiled, turning on the shower. _

_He massaged her shoulders as the hot water ran over them. She had become putty in his hands. If he wanted to do this to her every weekend, he could get away with snapping at her at work every so often. She closed her eyes concentrating on his hands, which soon made their way around her body, turning her into him so he could press his lips to hers. _

_**/**_

_Some time later, he stopped the car in the parking lot near a boat arena. She was a little hesitant. What if someone saw them, and recognized her? He led her down the dock, and stopped in front of a medium sized sailboat. _

_"Do you know how to sail?" she asked hesitantly, thinking the person in charge of sailing the boat would soon appear._

_"As a matter a fact, since you brought it up, yes I do!" He took her hand and led her onto the boat. _

"_When exactly have you had time to learn how to sail in the past seventeen years? I thought all you did was work!" she said laughing. _

_"I used to have weekends off before the economy crashed! Being a name partner has its perks!"_

_She nodded in acknowledgement as they got settled. _

_About an hour later they pulled into a secluded cove. "Are you hungry?" he turned and asked, as he anchored the boat. _

"_Yes, someone let my breakfast get cold!" she said, raising her brow. _

_He pulled out the basket of food he'd prepared for them. "I am never going to be able to go back to reality if you keep this up!" She moved and sat next to him helping him get the food out. _

_"That's the point of this weekend, to ignore reality for awhile!" _

_After they ate, they sat feet propped up, snuggled into each other, enjoying the gentle rock of the boat and hot summer air. "I could get used to this," she said, laying her head against his chest. _

_"Me too. You know we could just run away together. Head down to Florida, buy a yacht, and sail away. Ignore work for the rest of our lives." _

_For a brief minute she didn't know what to say. The thought of sailing away and never coming back with him was appealing. But the implications of him even suggesting it were a little more than she could handle. And she didn't know how serious he was being. _

"_I have children remember?"_

_"They could come with us!" he said, wrapping his arms more tightly around her. _

_"Yes, but that would ruin the romanticism. And Diane would kill you if she ever found us!"_

_He chuckled, and looked down at her. "Always the realistic practical one aren't you?" He leaned forward a bit more placing kisses along her neck. "We need a little less reality, and more relaxing from you today!" _

_"I don't know if I can get any more relaxed than I am now!" she whispered in his ear as his hands began to roam over her body. _

_"Oh, I think you could be much more relaxed!" _

_**/**_

_They ordered pizza for dinner, and attempted to watch a movie, but by the end of the movie they had both fallen asleep on the couch. When he woke, he lifter her thin body and carried her to the bedroom. She woke a bit as he crawled into bed next to her. "You need to get more sleep. I'm going to have to talk to your boss about all the late hours you're putting in. I think he's working you to hard!" _

_She sighed turning into him. "You do that, and tell him I want a week off, while you're at it."_

_"First thing Monday morning!" he said, resting his head on the pillow as they both drifted off to sleep. _

Alicia remembered lying in bed with him nearly all morning long the following day, talking, making love, and even eating breakfast in bed together. They did do some work later in the day. Diane had called, and wasn't happy that her partner had been a-wall the day before. It had been a much needed break for both of them. She grabbed a blanket from the hall closet, and wrapped up in it after turning on the fireplace. She closed her eyes and let her thoughts wander for awhile. Thinking about what it would have been like to run away with him like he'd suggested that weekend. It would have been completely irresponsible, and there was no way they could have pulled it off, at least for very long. But she longed to be back on that boat with him enjoying the summer air and gentle rise and fall of water beneath them.


	21. The Art of Alicia

**A/N; Thank you all again for the many reviews, and continued support!  
**

_**August 11, 2011**_

_I have never been one to spend a Saturday afternoon at an art gallery admiring and scrutinizing the latest art trends, or oldest famous works. But I imagine it's similar to the way I always get caught up in watching Alicia. That each time you return to look at your favorite piece you find something new and interesting that you missed before. Alicia's certainly not paint on a canvas that can be bought and hung on a wall, but I could spend hours - days - just watching her. _

_For instance, yesterday I went to her office to ask her about a case. She was on the phone with the client I handed over to her last month, who feels his purpose in life is to sue half the city of Chicago. I could have left and come back at a different time. Instead I sat on her sofa waiting, glancing, pretending to be busy checking email on my phone. There are times I allow my eyes to linger on her far to long. This must have been one of them - my email cover blown. She gave me the "other people are around" eye when she got off the phone, and closed the door to her office. I just chuckled to myself, because no one was paying any attention anyway. They rarely do. _

_While things remain undefined between us, I'll continue to live in a world where I'm the one allowed to look at, and watch her as I do. I've become so accustomed to it anyway. I love the eye rolls she gives when she's on the phone with an annoying client, and how the ends of her lips turn up into a slight smile when she figures something out. I enjoy watching her give a good cross to a witness, and the look of satisfaction that comes over her when she's proven them wrong. I get a kick out of how her eyes unconsciously, and guardedly, check for anyone else's presence before she allows herself to give me a seductive eye. I even like the disappointed look in her eye, and thin line that crosses her lips when I know she isn't happy about something Diane and I have done, or are asking her to do. And then the curt smile she gives when she agrees to it anyway. _

_Those are some of the art gallery moments at work. There is a completely different set of "gallery moments" I take advantage of when we're alone. There's the seductive tilt of the head, and slight upward curve of her lips when I show up at her place, or she at mine. The broad smile and wanting eyes that appear as I begin to peel away the layers of clothing that cover her beautiful body. The look of need in her eyes and clench of her hands when I trail kisses along her porcelain skin, from her toes to her neck. And the look of satisfaction across her face - flushed cheeks and closed eyes - when our bodies are joined and we're both out of breath._

_Let's face it. I love everything about her. The feel of her soft skin against mine. The taste of her lips after a glass of wine, or biting into a piece of chocolate. I've fallen in love with, and come to need everyday, the smile on her face that's reserved only for me. _

_Some of my favorite moments with her are those when we're in bed, or on the couch, just talking, enjoying each others company. Even better is watching her sleep. The only time she really allows reality to take a back seat for a few hours. It's in these sleepy moments when I lie awake trying to figure out how I got so lucky. Yet, at the same time, beat myself up for ever letting her go all those years back. These are the stolen moments of normalcy that I'd like to become more familiar with – admire everyday. _

Alicia looked up from the laptop. One of the things their affair had done was help repair some of the damage that had been done to her self-esteem after Peter cheated on her. Peter had told her how beautiful she was, that he had fallen in love with her again after the scandal. There had been times in between the scandal and Will, where she and Peter had slept together. She didn't feel in those moments he was thinking of anyone but her, or that he didn't find her attractive. But a small piece of her had never really regained its sense of confidence, feeling sexy, or wanted in the way Will had always made her feel. She could always feel Will's eyes on her, even after things had gone so badly between them. But to hear him express his feelings was so much better.

She smiled at a memory crossing her mind. Recalling an instance when Will had mentioned how much he enjoyed the taste of chocolate on her lips. He'd said it was different from the usual taste.

"_The usual taste?" she questioned, leaning against him on his sofa. _

"_Yes! Usually when I kiss you, your lips have one of three tastes. Wine!" he said smiling, pointing to the glass of red in her hand. "Your lipstick, that doesn't really have a taste. It's just you! Or peppermint, right after you've brushed your teeth." _

"_I guess I hadn't really thought about it," she admitted honestly. "I probably pay more attention to the scent of your cologne, than the taste of your lips!" Her fingers thumbed against the glass in her hand. _

"_Is it to strong?" _

_She looked up into his eyes. "No. Not to strong, just enough to define it as part of you." She chuckled. "You wore too much in college!" _

"_I… I hardly ever wore cologne in college." _

"_I know, only when you were trying to impress a date!" she smiled, rolling her eyes. _

_He smiled sheepishly. "The woman at the sales counter said all the women would love that cologne!" _

"_Oh they loved it alright! In fact," she sat up and faced him placing her hands on his chest. "I knew a few girls who thought it was a badge of honor to come home with the vague scent of Will Gardner all over their clothes!" _

"_What about you?" he said, becoming serious. _

"_I didn't like it when you wore it around me." _

"_You didn't like it because of the scent, or because of what it represented?" He knew exactly what he was doing, trying to get her to open up about their relationship, even if it was the one they'd had twenty years prior. _

_She looked down briefly, then smiled and kissed him. "It was… too strong. Let's get back to discussing the way my lips taste!" _

She sighed heavily. _He was right. I always avoided the subject of us. And I didn't like what it represented. The scent was actually a good choice._ She thought to herself shaking her head. She looked over to the glass of wine that sat next to her. She took a sip, and then ran her tongue over her lips, smiling as she turned her attention back to the laptop.

_**August 19, 2011**_

_The further we head down this road, the more I find myself not even looking at other women. Not even thinking about other women. In fact Alicia and I were out for lunch today, and the waitress was doing her best to flirt with me. _

_Alicia started laughing as soon as we exited the restaurant. I asked her what was so funny. She said, "The look on that waitresses face when you totally blew her off!" _

_I told her I didn't know what she was talking about, that I was only paying attention to her. Which was true, but she was right. The waitress was pulling out everything she had. Brushing my hand with hers when she took our menus, and undoing the top button of her uniform before she came back with our drinks, leaning over right in front of me to place them on the table. But I could care less. Aside from the fact that I'm with Alicia right now, she was too young for me anyway. Words that even a year ago, I don't think I would utter. Age didn't use to be a hindrance in dating. In fact it wasn't a hindrance even a year ago when I dated a third year law student. Alicia's made me see the error of my ways. Gone are the days of dating girls twenty years younger than I am. _

_That being said, I've realized my non-interest in other women is a dangerous place to be in. Alicia might be separated, but she's still married. And there is no indication that she intends to permanently end things with Peter any time soon. Not that I would know. She never talks about it. And if I try to bring it up, she shoots it right down. It's not fair for me to push her on the topic. But it's not all that fair for her to always play the avoidance card. If things don't work out, it will make the fall at the end even worse._

Alicia sighed heavily_. You're right it wasn't fair. I'm sorry_

_**August 25, 2011**_

_I probably got a little to much pleasure out of trailing kisses along Alicia's neck and tugging at her blouse to remove it, while she was on the phone with a client earlier today. She's never ended a call with him so abruptly. Her excuse, "I'm going into a meeting." A meeting for two, that lasted longer than usual. Diane and Eli were out of the office today trying to hold onto one of our biggest clients. _

_A longer encounter between us was good - no a necessary - thing. Alicia decided sending me a few juicy emails this week, when she knew we couldn't get together, was a good idea. She might regret that decision in a few weeks when I'm in Indiana for a few days for depositions. I've already drafted a few emails in my head to send to her during that time. Seductive email! A new, somewhat risky step for her to take. _

_On a side note, business is tough these days. Eli Gold brings the firm a huge amount of money. I don't like the fact that Diane thinks we are completely dependant upon his business. I also don't like the fact that Eli seems to think Alicia is his employee, and that he thinks he has complete control over her. He may need her help, but I think his motives lie in keeping her away from me as much as possible. I'm willing to bet he has another campaign in the works for Peter already, senate, or something. He needs the image of a good marriage to make it work. Politics, I will never have any desire to be a politician. _

_**September 2, 2011**_

_Diane had a plan for getting out from under Eli's toes and bringing some much needed funds to the firm. Why I ever agreed to go along with it is beyond me. She sent me to the Midwest Bar Association training for a few days, to try and convince Celeste, of all people, to join our firm. We may need the income she could bring, but I cannot express how many apprehensions I had about this plan. It had disaster written all over it. I can only imagine the things she'd tell Alicia, all lies, if she worked for our firm. Thank heavens she turned our offer down.  
_

_While I was there I had a slip of the tongue while Alicia and I were on the phone together. I was distracted, and wasn't thinking when I said, "love you" as we were getting ready to hang up. The awkward seconds of silence between us were followed by excuses - "I didn't mean it" - "It's not that I don't care" - at least that's what I told her. I tried to make her think there wasn't any meaning behind the words, but it just sounded lame. I admittedly did it unconsciously, but it got me thinking. _

_The following day I tried to talk to her about it, but she brushed it off - like she does whenever the topic of us comes up. I tried to tell her, make her understand, that I'm not interested in anyone else. I want her to understand how committed to this relationship I am. But she won't hear any of it. If we keep things simple, don't make a mess, there isn't anything to answer too. And that's the way she likes it. That's our silent, unspoken agreement. The agreement we've never talked about, but the contract we both signed that very first night at the hotel.  
_  
Alicia looked at her watch. It was late. It had been an emotional rollercoaster reading Will's entries throughout the day. She decided it was time to get some sleep because she knew reading his thoughts of the time period coming next, would be emotionally draining. September and October - the best two months they had together. The period of time where she let go a little more. Allowed herself to think of a lasting relationship with Will, even though she never told him. Some of her fondest memories were from that time. But two years later, some of those moments had been used in an attempt to destroy her because it seemed Will felt it had all been a lie.

She ran her hand over the pillow and soft sheets in the empty space next to her before closing her eyes. She pulled the pillow in close, and wrapped her self securely in the blankets. As she drifted off to sleep, visions of reminiscing about Georgetown, working together as a team, blunt honesty, and balconies, ran through her mind. Little did she know that Will had left something for her, unintentionally. Something he'd hoped to give to her at some point, but never had the chance.


	22. Making Progress

**A/N; Thank you all, for continuing to read this. I know updates have been embarrassingly slow, but if is my goal to finish it up by it's two year mark in August. **

Despite the fact that Alicia had slept through the night, and felt rested for the first time in days, she had no desire to will herself out of the soft pillows and blankets that surrounded her. She was in the middle of a mental battle. Taking some time away from life for herself, and to read through some of Will's thoughts had been good for her. In ways it had been rejuvenating. It had given her a chance to put some of the past to rest, and gave her a strong mental mindset to push forward with the pending mess she knew would unfold in the next week.

On the other hand, she still felt a sense of gloom. If sghe were truly honest, the gloom had been there for as long as she could remember, it had just been pushed to the back of her mind so she wouldn't have to deal with it. She disliked the fact that she didn't seem mentally capable of kicking the feeling away. She wondered briefly if she were slightly depressed. Certainly she had every right to be. Maybe it was time to consider professional consultation.

After staring out the large window from the bed for some time, she sat up and reopened her laptop. She was admittedly looking forward to what he had thought during this next period of time.

_**September 8, 2011**_

I_t's been a week since my "love you", slip of the tongue, and confession that I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else other than Alicia. She hasn't mentioned it. However, she was at my place last night, and things seemed different. She put on one of my old Georgetown t-shirts, and sauntered around the apartment in it the rest of the night. She seemed more willing to let go, less cautious. Maybe it was her way of telling me she understood my confessions from last week without saying so. That deep down she's more invested in us than she lets on, or doesn't care as much about the consequences of us. She even spent the night here, in the middle of the week - a first. She wanted to reminisce about Georgetown, and some of the crazy things we did back then - before real life got in the way._

_Real life_ \- Alicia thought to herself. She sat back against the pillows. He was right. She'd begun to realize during that month that she was beginning to have real feelings for him. Feelings that weren't just physical, or friendship. She liked being with him - liked spending time with him. Liked how he made her feel wanted, beautiful, and content.

She thought back to that night where she'd allowed herself to stay at his place in the middle of the week. She'd called Owen to stay with the kids. Had lied, and told him they were pulling an all-niter at work. Owen probably knew better, but she'd had a few of these all-nighters with work in the past, and knew the kids wouldn't think twice about it.

She recalled now that this was the point at which things had gotten more intimate with Will. But it was ultimately the beginning of her short lived, less responsible, phase during that time. And it had held significant influence on her breaking things off with him two months later because of her guilt and sense of responsibility for her children. If she were truly honest, she'd never really been able to deal with the affair, work, Peter, and the kids all at the same time.

She sorely missed that time now. Putting on his t-shirts periodically just because she knew it drove him crazy. Attempting to have lunch meetings as often as possible, and if it weren't, trying to make up for it after work, or on the weekends when the kids were with Peter. Then they had been to New York, and the few short weeks that followed that trip, had been nothing short of amazing.

She realized now how close she had come to thinking seriously about a divorce during those early weeks in October after New York, and how now she almost wished she had been brave enough to do it.

Maybe Diane had been right two nights earlier. If she had ended up with Will, she'd be alone now. But she was already alone, and she'd like to think that if they had ended up together, things would have played out differently. That someone else would have been put on the Grant case, and Will would still be alive. She would have stayed at the firm because she'd finally chosen Will over Peter. Diane would be a judge, and everything would have fallen into place. And then she thought how she'd finally be happy. How Will would be the one she would come home to at night, instead of being here in the hotel room where the memories of reading what he thought, was both healing and heartbreaking.

She didn't know if she could keep this up. She wanted to know everything, wanted to have those moments with him without the guilt, like Diane had said. But he wasn't there, and he never would be.

She felt like a teenager who'd lost her first crush to her best friend. But squeezing a pillow to her chest, and sobbing was all she could do to try and get rid of the excruciating loss she felt. A few minutes later she closed the laptop, got out of the bed, and turned on the shower.

The water was hot, on the brink of burning. She closed her eyes as the water ran over her whole body. She shed some more tears, placing a hand to the tiled wall for support. Finally she took some deep breaths, regaining control, and feeling ridiculous for allowing herself to lose such control.

_He wouldn't want this_. She told herself_. He would want me to be happy, get on with life_. She shook her head. _I don't know if I can. _

_You can_, came a voice in the back of her mind. If she didn't know better, she would have sworn it was him whispering in her ear. She let her mind wander back to that night she'd put on his t-shirt and had wondered out to where he was waiting for her.

_Her hair was still damp. They had made love in the shower that night. Being a Wednesday, he'd just come from one of his pick-up games. She'd surprised him by climbing into the shower to join him. She would never forget the look on his face._

_"What are you doing?" he said, placing his hands on her hips._

_"Making sure you get all clean!" She smiled up at him placing her lips to his._

Now she could almost feel his hands on her shoulders massaging away the work day. Suspending reality once again, something he'd been so good at providing her with.  
_  
"If you do that much longer, I may never go home." she said, closing her eyes, leaning back against his chest as he continued to massage her shoulders and place gentle kisses on her neck._

_"I'd like you to stay," he admitted honestly, but knew there was no way she'd stay in the middle of the week._

_She turned to face him, "Okay, I'll stay," she whispered in his ear, her hands roaming over his back._

_They'd stayed in that shower for a long time, exploring each others bodies completely drenched._

As the water continued to poor over her, her mind shifted forward to when she'd walked out to the kitchen in his shirt. A look of seductive mischievousness had filled his eyes, as he moved over to her taking her into his arms again.

_"Where did you find this?" he asked his hands on her hips._

_"Your closet," she said, smiling, moving out of his grasp to get a drink of water. "I called Owen. He'll stay with the kids tonight." She turned and faced him. "So I can stay here." She moved within inches of him. "All night," she said, with raised brow._

She couldn't get over the look on his face when she told him she'd stay the night. She smiled remembering how she'd played with him after that, forcing him to pull out his photos from Georgetown so they could look at them. She'd made him spend two entire hours talking about the memories those photos held, when all she knew he really wanted, was his chance to make love to her while she still had his shirt on. She shook her head, feeling somewhat better, and climbed out of the shower. After dressing she returned to the laptop.

_We had a good evening. Alicia convinced me to pull out the photos I had from college. We had some good times back then. It was more fun than I expected to talk about those early days. Or maybe it was just the fact that she seemed happy, and was willing to discuss our relationship, even if it was the one we'd had back then.  
_  
A gentle smile crossed her lips as she remembered more of that evening.

_They were near the end of the stack of photos. He held up one of the two of them sitting on some rocks at the oceans edge._

_"That was a good weekend," she said, pulling the photo from his hand._

_He chuckled. "We had to nearly drag you to the beach that day."_

_"I know. I took studying to seriously sometimes." She sighed_

_"We let the women win the volleyball game that day," he commented._

_She laughed out loud. "You did not. The four of us girls against you, Jon, and Matt, we won fair and square."_

_"No, we let you win," he insisted._

_"It wasn't an even match Will. Kelley was on the women's volleyball team. You guys had no chance. You were the only one of those boys who'd played any kind of sport since high school. And it was obvious through the entire game." She sat up and faced him._

_"I would have played better if you hadn't been distracting me in that bikini top and pair of tight shorts."_

_"Uh huh," she laughed, rolling her eyes. "Keep telling yourself I was the reason you lost that game, instead of the obvious lack of help from your teammates."_

_"You were," he insisted, leaning over to give her a gentle kiss._

_Her gaze moved to the photo again. Their feet were in the water, she was leaning into him. "We should have done more of those Saturday outings. Remember how cold it got by the time we took this?"_

_He chuckled again. "I don't remember it being that cold. I think that was just your excuse to get me to give you my sweatshirt."_

_"Wrong again. It was freezing by sunset, and almost October." A soft smile formed on her lips, her gaze remained on the photo. "That was the perfect sunset, sitting there with you the soft light reflecting off the water." She looked up into his eyes. "The end of a perfect day."_

_They stared into each others eyes for a moment. He leaned in and kissed her again, pulling her onto his lap, marking the end of their Georgetown reminiscing for the evening._

_Later that night as she lay in his arms, he told her making love to him while wearing his shirt was one of the sexiest things she'd ever done for him._

Alicia moved to the front room, made some coffee, and sat at the table to continue reading.

_**September 14, 2011**__  
_

_Our encounters are always very physical, but lately, Alicia has wanted to talk more. Not that we don't talk when we're together, but aside from last week, we usually stick to safe topics like case load, or national news. Tonight we discussed her kids briefly, something she's been quite guarded with in the past. I'd like to think it's because she wants to be more open with me. But I have a feeling it had more to do with the fact that school is back in full swing. However, I think she's slowly removing the bricks out of the wall that lies between us, and the rest of her life. I'd like to think we are getting to a turning point in the relationship. Moving towards a more serious, stable realm, without having to have a discussion._

_Maybe I'm really just a fool for laying my hopes on what I think - what I want - verses what she's really thinking. For all I know I could be watching her slip through my fingers again without knowing it. Just like I did at Georgetown, because I'm too scared, or nervous to just insist she let me tell her how I feel. If there were ever a moment I wish I could go back to, it would be the cold November night our third year of law school. I'd intended to tell her that night I wasn't interested in anyone else anymore. That I wanted our friendship to be more - that I loved her. But I didn't. I was scared out of my mind to commit to something so significant. It was my loss. I'm the only one who suffered because of my cowardliness. Here I am again too scared and nervous to make her life more complicated._

_This is such a slippery slope. Celeste has been in the office working with Diane. Alicia tells me she hasn't let Celeste get under her skin, but it still makes me nervous. To top it all off, tomorrow I have to agree to a hiring decision that will go against something I asked Alicia to do, and that she did a remarkable job on. But I owe someone in the firm a favor, and tomorrow is pay day.  
_  
_**September 15, 2011  
**__  
I had to confess after the hiring committee went ahead and voted to hire someone against Alicia's recommendation today. The look of hurt, and tinge of anger that was in her eyes when I told her I had voted against her preferred choice, almost killed me. She accepted my explanation with courteous grace. But it's never fun to find out you were second on many people's lists three years ago when we hired her. _

_I'll wait for her to make the next move as far as we are concerned. Give her some time to think things through. I just hope this session of office politics hasn't completely ruined things. She and I are set to meet a client in New York next weekend. It will be the two of us in a city where no one knows, or cares, about who she is. I lied to Diane when I told her we needed three full days there to get everything taken care of with this client. It will only really take one, maybe part of another. The rest of our time will be set aside for us without any distraction. Alicia and I in a hotel, in a completely different city - I couldn't think of a better weekend.  
_  
Alicia sipped the last of her coffee, turning to stare out at the morning Chicago skyline. She began to ponder the idea of a fresh start. Suddenly the idea of starting over in a new place where no one recognized her seemed very appealing. Starting over was no doubt difficult, but a firm expansion into New York might just be her answer after things calmed down with Peter, and the divorce was finalized. After all, that had been the place she'd been the happiest.


	23. New York

**A/N; Thank you for the reviews, and new follows this week! **

_**September 20, 2011  
**_

_Two days until our trip to New York. I'm looking forward to it. Work has been crazy the past week, between Alicia and I getting everything ready for our NY meetings, and other ongoing cases, we haven't even been able to break away for a lunch date. I have planned a few things for the trip. I made a dinner reservation for Saturday night, and I picked up a little something I plan to give her after dinner. I only hope she doesn't take it the wrong way. Things are going so well between us right now. We have been together for nearly six months, and I want her to have something from me, a symbol of my unspoken feelings for her. This seems like the right opportunity for a gift.  
_  
Alicia looked up from the laptop, placing a hand to her wrist. The bracelet she had put on briefly just two nights prior, had been his gift to her. A gift that had nearly caused her to pass out when he pulled the box from his suit coat pocket that night. She recalled the other outings they had taken while there. He had put some effort into planning those few days. He'd nearly swept her up off her feet that weekend, and it wasn't because they had done anything extravagant. They had just been allowed to be a real couple for a few days – she had allowed them to be a real couple. His next entry was written just a day after they had returned from New York.

_**September 26, 2011**_

_I could die tomorrow and claim I was the happiest man on earth. Our "business trip", this past weekend was both productive and amazing._

_We made some good headway with our client, thanks only to Alicia and her ability to calm and persuade him. This should make her life less... eventful for awhile. _

_More importantly, I think she and I made huge strides in our relationship. To see and feel what things could be like if there were never a fear that we might be recognized in public, was bittersweet. To watch Alicia let go of the, public figure wife status, and carry a relaxed content smile across her face for three days, is something I'll continue to long for in the future. It was to short lived, working together, eating out, strolling the streets hand in hand, waking up next to each other; a life we can't have, not for now anyway. But what I wouldn't give to make the weekends patterns a way of life._

_It was perfect, all of it, and I've fallen hard for her. I thought I loved her before, but that was nothing compared to the way I feel now. Maybe I'm less observant here at home, more focused on work, but I can't recall the number of times I spotted another man's eyes on her. It made me laugh a few times, because she seemed very unaware of all the lingering eyes. Our flight got in late, so we opted for a drink and light bite to eat at the hotel. We hadn't even been sitting there for fifteen minutes before I spotted at least two men trying to be inconspicuous in looking her up and down._

Alicia smiled, recalling their conversation once her onlookers had been spotted.

_Will's eyes moved back to Alicia. "Move closer to me, and take my hand." _

_A gentle smile crossed her lips, as she raised her brow to him. He could tell she was oblivious to what was going on._

_"I can't eat and hold your hand at the same time," she protested._

_"Then lean over and kiss me," he said, with a mischievous grin._

_"Can't you just wait until we get back to the room?" she said, with light laughter._

_He sighed. "Alicia, there are at least two men in this restaurant that have their eye on you, waiting for me to get up and walk away so they can swoop in and take my place."_

_"You're being paranoid," she chuckled, taking a sip of her drink._

_"I'm not. Turn around and look at the guy in the suit at the end of the bar."_

_She turned, and looked. Sure enough as soon as she made eye contact with the other man, he held his glass up and winked at her. She immediately turned back to Will. "You're right. Should we let him down easy, or make him jealous?" she questioned, with raised brow._

"_Jealous!" he said, with a broad grin. _

_She nodded, leaning close, planting a lingering kiss to his lips. _

She exhaled a slight laugh as she returned to reading.

_Fall is upon us, and there is something romantic about strolling through a city in the warm fall breeze. As planned, our work was complete by mid-day Saturday. Since I had plans for us in the evening, I asked her what she wanted to do. She suggested we take a walk through a more secluded area of Central Park she'd read about. I apparently wasn't the only one who had done some research for our trip. We changed into casual clothes. Other than seeing her with barely anything on, jeans, a sweater, and boots, is definitely one of my favorite looks on her. _

_After we walked the winding paths, enjoying the changing fall color of the leafs, I convinced her to share an ice-cream with me, despite her protests that it was to cold for ice cream. Afterwards, we headed to Rockefeller Center for some shopping. She wanted to find a new winter jacket, and stop by a store that specialized in handmade bath and body products. Of course it was only fair that we look at the sports shop and some men's clothing, after I had followed her around in the women's shops. _

Alicia peered over to the sofa, and realized she had brought with her the jacket they had bought that day. She recalled how much she had enjoyed walking around the city with his arm around her, not worrying about being "caught". She missed acting completely normal as a couple. She peered out the window allowing herself to feel at peace, and happy with those memories. This was what Diane had meant. Alicia had spent so much time feeling guilty about everything, she'd never allowed herself to realize that in those few months she had done what she had wanted. It had been good for her, even as short lived as it had been. She had truly been happy during those months with him. She hadn't ever meant for their time together to hurt him. A few minutes later she turned her attention back to the laptop to finish reading the entry from that day.

_Dinner was amazing. I think she was surprised to find out I had made a reservation for the two of us. But she had clearly planned on being out at some point, because she had packed an evening dress – not something she could get away with wearing at work. _

_If I had to pick one moment throughout our relationship as being the most romantic, and possibly memorable, it would be the time we spent together after dinner that night. We danced, I gave her my gift, and of course we engaged in other activities. But of all the time we've spent together, this was likely the first time I felt like I was completely hers, that I was the only one in her thoughts. I now believe it's possible to say I love you without actually saying it. At some point during the evening we were wrapped together in a blanket, taking in an incredible view of the city. She turned and whispered in my ear, "This is the happiest I've ever been". To know I could truly make her happy is worth all the effort in keeping our relationship a secret. _

Alicia sat back, and bit her lower lip. She better understood now why he'd looked so angry and hurt when he'd questioned her in court about that weekend just over a year prior. She had loved him, had meant every word she'd said to him that weekend. She knew he thought it had all been a lie. She closed her eyes and pondered over the events of that night, and the following day.

_They had returned to the hotel after dinner. She could feel his eyes on her as she slipped off her heels, and removed her earrings. He moved behind her, wrapping his arms around her, kissing her neck. There was no doubt he ever made her feel anything but beautiful._

_"Dance with me," he whispered in her ear. His hands still on her, he turned her to face him._

_"Dance with you?" she questioned, a doubtful smile across her lips as she wrapped her arms around his neck._

_He could sense her hesitation. "We have never danced together. I want to dance with you." His hands moved to her waist._

_"Yes we..." She realized he was right. They had never danced together in college, and they had both been with other people at the few gala events they had attended in the past few years. Her eyes met his. "Okay, let's dance."_

_He found some music at the appropriate tempo, and turned the volume just loud enough for the two of them to hear out on the balcony. It was slow, his hands on her hips her arms around his neck. Eventually her head rested against his shoulder as they continued to move slowly in each others arms. She had to admit it was one of the simplest, most romantic things she'd ever done with him. Eventually her lips found their way to his neck, then his lips. Her hands moved to the lapel of his jacket, and she began to attempt to slide it off his shoulders._

_"Wait," he said, stopping her. A confused look crossed her face as he stepped back a few inches from her. "I have something for you," he said, reaching into his jacket pocket. He pulled out the small box, and she looked as though she would faint, the blood rushing from her face._

_"Will, no," she protested, stepping back from him._

_For a brief moment he didn't understand, but then he realized what was running through her mind, and let out a chuckle._

_"Alicia, it's not..." he laughed again, looking down at the small box."It's not a ring." He moved closer to her as she put her hand to her chest in relief._

_"Open it. I just wanted to give you something."_

_She hesitantly took the box out of his hand, and opened it to reveal the simple but stunning bracelet. "It's beautiful," she said, taking it from the box and holding it up._

_He took it from her, undoing the clasp, and placed it on her wrist._

_Some time later after making love, she'd whispered that simple sentence into his ear, "This is the happiest I've ever been". It was in that moment, one of the very few during their affair, where she'd allowed herself to be completely honest in her feelings for him._

_She rested her head on his shoulder, his arms wrapped more tightly around her as they sat in silence, engulfed in their nearness. A few minutes later he looked up into her eyes. "I'm happy too," he confessed, gently brushing a few strands of hair behind her ear. He leaned in and kissed her. Moments later, taking a pause for air, she looked into his eyes._

_"I don't want this night to end." _

_He smiled lovingly, running a hand over arm. "Me either." _

_They moved back inside, the blanket slipping from their bodies. He laid her on the bed, every movement, every touch after that, being slow, and deliberate. They took their time. Almost as if they could sense their time together slipping away, right out from under their feet. _

_The following morning they remained in bed talking, savoring their last hours in the hotel together. They had a late flight, so had plenty of time for a little more sightseeing before they headed to the airport. Will had found out that there was a wine tasting festival going on over the weekend. He knew she would enjoy going. When he asked her about it, she laughed because she had discovered the same thing, but didn't think he would be interested in it. _

_"You'll hate it," she said, placing the last of her things into her suitcase. _

_"I won't. You can "educate" me."_

_"You don't need the education." she said, rolling her eyes. "You won't like it, because you're not a wine drinker." _

_He moved in front of her, placing his arms around her. "I'm not, but I would like to go, if it would be fun for you. Honestly, I don't care what we do as long as we're together." _

_They ended up going. Will enjoyed it more than he thought he would. Alicia got a kick out of the faces he made after tasting some of the wines._

Alicia smiled at the thought. That had been a fun afternoon before they had to return to Chicago. Her attention was turned back to the laptop.

_I originally planned on giving Alicia something else along with the bracelet I presented her with. But I held onto the other item. She probably would have thought it to be too much, and refused it. So until I decide on another appropriate time to give it to her, I've placed it in a safety deposit box at a bank that holds our business accounts. I did that for a few reasons. I don't want it to get lost, but I also don't want it to be a temptation for me to give to her before the time is right. It's also added security. I put her name on the account with mine, but added it under the firm's accounts. If for some reason something were to happen to me, eventually Diane will come across it, but Alicia would be the only one able to access it. Quite frankly, I don't trust anyone other than Diane with these things, so I gave her the second key. She was so distracted today, I doubt she'll think twice about it. I told her I had some personal things I wanted to keep safe. I just hope that some day in the future I'll have the chance to present Alicia with my other gift.  
_  
Alicia inhaled. Diane had never mentioned anything about her name being on an account with Will's after he died. Certainly she would have come across it - remembered him giving her the key all those years ago. Whatever had been in that safety deposit box, was probably long gone, and given to his family. There would have been no way for Diane to know its contents had been intended for Alicia.

However, she desperately wanted to know what had been so important that he'd put it in a safety deposit box, even if she couldn't have it now. She got up from the table, and found her phone. Turning it back on, and ignoring the missed calls, she dialed Diane.

After explaining to Diane what she had discovered. Diane told her she had completely forgotten about the key Will had given her all those years ago. She said she hadn't emptied out the box. That things had gotten so crazy after Will had died, with the shifting power at Lockhart Gardner, and accounts when their firms had merged, she hadn't even thought twice about Alicia's name being on the account. She just assumed the bank had added Alicia's name to Will's when the firm's had merged, since Alicia was a name partner.

"Do you still have the key?" Alicia asked.

"I... don't know. I'll have to look. It's not at the office. I have some things here that I brought from the old office I've never gone through. It might be there."

"Okay, let me know if it turns up. I want to be there first thing in the morning when the bank opens." It being Sunday, all the banks were currently closed.

"I'll look today. If it doesn't turn up, I'm sure the bank can open it for you, since your name is on the account."

After they hung up, Alicia's heart was racing. She was surprised at the flutter of emotions that ran through her at the thought of having something that he had honestly meant to be for her. She'd have to find ways of distracting herself for the next twenty hours until the bank opened.


	24. Moving Forward

After speaking with Diane, Alicia contemplated what to do next. After a few minutes of excitement over what Will may have left behind, and contemplating what it might be, she wondered if this item was even still in the safety deposit box. It was quite possible he had removed it after things had gone wrong between them. Her heart sank a bit at the thought. It was quite possible she would open the box the following day and find nothing.

She decided to read through a few more of his entries and then head home. It was time to get back to life, even though she knew the coming weeks would be difficult. She'd spent the past twenty four hours with her focus on Will, and their relationship. She'd allowed herself to laugh, cry, indulge in his thoughts, mixed with her memories, and it had been good. It had helped ease the pain and emptiness she'd been overwhelmed with two days prior. She'd been able to turn some of those guilt ridden memories into something she would now cherish.

/

She turned her phone back on as she rode the elevator up to her apartment, in the late afternoon. She returned a missed call from Eli as she entered the apartment.

Eli told her that instead of arresting Peter and his associates, a grand jury was being pulled together. The grand jury would determine if there was enough evidence to indict the three men, and press formal charges over their real estate scheme. By the following week, it was likely proceedings would begin.

Peter had admitted to Alicia, a few days prior, that he had been involved. He admitted he had been in over his head. That the large land renewal and development project had started out legitimate, but that his partners had grown greedy, and had dragged him along. She and Eli both knew he wasn't completely innocent in his actions.

Even if time in prison didn't come about, Peter couldn't survive the scene politically. Eli told Alicia, Peter would be resigning as Governor Tuesday night. He also informed her that word had reached the press, and to expect an influx of calls, and reporters camping out at work, and possibly her home.

She sighed heavily, sinking onto the sofa at the thought of the mess in the weeks ahead. The divorce would be made public, and in all likelihood, news of Peter's infidelity, and soon to be third child would make its way into the news as well.

She avoided any chit chat with Eli, and got off the phone as quickly as she could. She relaxed into the sofa, and sat thinking over things for a few minutes. She was grateful she'd taken the weekend to regroup, she felt like she could better deal with the upcoming chaos.

The apartment was eerily quiet. She glanced over to the hall where the kid's rooms were. She was glad Zach would be miles away at school during this. She'd do her best to protect Grace from the media.

Her mind turned to Peter's grand jury investigation. It certainly wouldn't be her first turn at such things. Her mind wandered to the few days of Will's grand jury hearing. She began to wonder how long he'd kept the investigation from her. His grand jury hearing hadn't occurred until late January, nearly two months after they had broken things off. She wondered if things had come together as quickly for Will as they had for Peter. And if that was the reason Will hadn't mentioned it to her.

Earlier in the day she'd read his entries from the days that had followed their return from New York. Those weeks had been some of the best they'd had together. Will wrote about how at ease their relationship had been during those few short weeks. How things hadn't seemed so rushed when they were together, and that their feelings for one another had been less masked during that time.

Their time together during those weeks had been at his place for the most part, a few hotel visits added to the mix. There had also been a few times they had met after work for drinks. Those instances hadn't turned into intimate encounters. They had just talked, had their drinks, and parted ways. It was during this time where Zach and Grace had asked her what she did when they were with Peter, and how they always, especially Zach, seemed to worry about her.

She got up from the sofa, making her way through the apartment doing some cleaning and laundry. With Grace gone the past week, and after her argument with Peter in days prior, she'd let things go a little.

Later that night, she sat on the sofa again trying to get some work done. She had some soft music playing in the background. A song came on that reminded her of a night in late October where she'd sat just like this, in the quiet, dimly lit room, stewing over her encounter with the treasury department.

As her thoughts pondered that night, she switched from her work, back to Will's files. She knew the approximate date that night would have occurred, and opened a few entries looking to see if he had written about it. That time had been the beginning of their unraveling, and neither one had known it.

_**October 26, 2011**_

_I met Alicia's son Zach a few days ago. He was in Alicia's office, waiting for her to get back from a meeting. _

_When I noticed him there, I wondered if I should introduce myself, or avoid the situation. In retrospect, I should have avoided it. I made a complete fool out of myself. I don't know what I was thinking. Probably that I wanted to make a good first impression so that he would like me, and that I would seem like just an ordinary guy instead of his mom's boss. I should have just stuck to introductions, and skipped my attempt at small talk. The whole thing made me nervous. Who would have thought that talking to a sixteen year old kid, would be more difficult than questioning a guilty witness? _

_I wonder if I could ever fit into the family man role. Maybe it would be different if I had met Zach under more casual circumstances. If things keep moving along with Alicia and me, eventually I'll need to meet them formally, and spend some time with them. I'd like to get to know them. After all, Alicia spent the past sixteen years raising them. Her family is a whole side of her I don't really know. I wonder how she is with them, what kinds of things they do together. What it's like to worry about, and be responsible for two other human beings. I've had glimpses into her worrying over them, and her moments of being proud of them, but it's different from actually being there to see it. _

_I asked Alicia if she wanted me to meet them formally. She said no. I get it. I get that we are something she keeps from them. But I was a bit disappointed when she said no, without what even seemed like a second thought. I thought that by now it might be time to head in that direction. I guess not. _

_**November 2, 2011**_

_I'm fairly certain Diane has put Alicia and I under the microscope again. The other day Alicia and I had a late lunch date at a hotel down the street from the office. Diane called while we were together and Alicia's phone went off in the background. I'm certain Diane heard it. She hasn't said anything to me, but she's decided we need to up our firm insurance. I'm not blind, and neither is Diane. The only reason she wants to do this is because she's worried about what will happen if Alicia and I have a fall out. _

_To add to it, Diane has had Alicia working on a few cases with her, and I can't understand her reasoning for continuing with them. These aren't cases she would generally try to defend. One case in particular, has put Alicia in a difficult spot. I had to pretend that my foremost concern was the firm today when Alicia told us the U.S. Treasury department is asking her questions which she isn't, and shouldn't be, comfortable answering without a lawyer. _

_The look Alicia gave me when the three of us were discussing the situation nearly killed me. I could see in her eyes and body language how worried she is. I wanted to pull her aside and talk about it. Reassure her that I support her, but I couldn't with Diane standing right there. _

_Alicia refused the council we suggested for her. I just hope she finds someone who can quash the situation. I've debated all evening whether or not I should call her to see how she's doing. Who knows if she would even talk to me at this point? The headaches never seem to end. We get a little breathing room, and then things start spinning all over again. _

Alicia got up from the sofa, and headed to the kitchen for a glass of wine. Her run-in with the treasury department had been a little to close for comfort. She had been the one to call Will the night after she'd met with Elsbeth Tascioni. It had been a rare weeknight where the kids had stayed with Peter. She'd called Will purely to help calm her nerves, and he had insisted on coming over.

_"How are you?" he questioned, closing the door to her apartment behind him. _

_"Worried Will. I could go to prison over this ridiculous case." She kept her arms folded across her chest as they entered the front room. "Tell me the firm's interests aren't really being placed above defending me." She was glad he was there, but was admittedly agitated after meeting with him and Diane earlier in the day. _

_He could read the hint of anger in her eyes mixed with worry. "It's not, as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful earlier, but Diane is watching us like a hawk these days." He reached for her, but she stepped away and sank down on the sofa. He moved to sit next to her. _

"_Prison Will. This whole situation is ludicrous." She leaned forward placing her head in her hands. _

_He placed his arm around her pulling her close. "I won't let this get to a point where you go to prison." He sighed. "Did you find someone to represent you? Nick really is a good attorney." _

_She looked him in the eye for the first time since he'd entered the apartment. "Yes" _

_"And you think this person will do a good job?" _

_"Yes," she closed her eyes, leaning back into the soft cushions. _

_"Good" _

_"Thank you for coming over." _

_"No problem. I was getting ready to call when you called me. I wanted to see how you were, and to make sure things were still okay between us." _

_Her eyes remained closed, but a slight smile crossed her lips. "We're still okay." _

_He offered to give her shoulders and neck a good massage. Something she couldn't resist. He'd ended up spending the night with her, leaving early the next morning to go home and get ready for work. _

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. She looked at her watch, it was nearly ten. She couldn't imagine who would be at the door at this hour.

She got up and opened the door to reveal Diane standing on the other side. She invited Diane in, only slightly embarrassed at her pajama attire.

"You look better today," Diane commented, sitting opposite Alicia on the sofa.

"Some good rest the past few days has helped."

"I won't stay long, but I wanted to bring this to you." She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a small key.

"You found it?" Alicia couldn't hide her enthusiasm.

Diane laughed under her breath. "Yes, at the bottom of the last box I looked through." A gentle smile crossed her lips.

"Thank you, I really appreciate it." Alicia reached out taking the key from Diane.

"Any guess as to what's in that box?" Diane asked.

"No. For all I know he removed the contents and I'll never know what was in there."

"Well, look on the bright side, if there is something there, you'll know he still intended to give it to you at some point, even if he was furious at you for awhile. And if there isn't anything, you're no less worse off than you are now."

Alicia nodded in agreement. She changed the subject to Peter, and told Diane about the real estate scheme he was involved in. "There is a chance that once the authorities really dig into this that my lines of credit could be linked to Peter's. We still share a joint bank account. If he's found guilty, there is a chance I could be held responsible for some of the fines they may have to pay, which could indirectly affect the firm."

"Certainly they wouldn't go that far would they?"

"I don't know. I had no knowledge of the situation, and Peter didn't touch our joint account during the time in question as far as I can tell. But just in case, I wanted you to be aware. I'll talk with Dave in corporate, and have him look over the documents I can get my hands on. He should be able to tell me whether I need my own representation or not."

"That's smart, but I can't imagine they would go so far as to hold you responsible."

Alicia shook her head. "There was a time when I would have felt the same, but my faith in the system we so often defend has dwindled in recent years. I'll step away from the firm if things get bad."

"No, Cary and I won't hear of it. You didn't have anything to do with this."

She shook her head. "Thank you."

"I drew up the divorce papers. I'm going to have Matt look over them tomorrow, and then we can meet with Peter's attorney to get things moving."

"Good" She was grateful she had Diane to help take care of the divorce. It was one less thing she had to worry about. She knew Diane would take the utmost care with the situation.

Diane could read the doubt in her. "Just hold on for a few more months Alicia. All of this will be over, and you'll have a chance at a fresh start."

Alicia's lips curved slightly upward. "I know. Thank you for everything."

Diane nodded and stood. Alicia followed her to the door. "Diane, what would you think about trying to open a branch in New York again?"

Diane was a bit surprised at the question. "I don't know, we could look at it. We could send a partner out there to scout things out, see if we could gain more stability this time. It would have to be someone good. The New York market is difficult to break into."

Alicia nodded. "Okay, let's talk to Cary about it."

Diane left, and Alicia headed to bed. She wondered how her two partners would feel about her being the one to head the New York office. She felt they would agree in the long run. She knew getting out of Chicago was the best plan for her future. The more she had contemplated the idea, the more she felt it would be the only way for her to really leave the past behind, and move on.


	25. Deposit Box

**AN; I appreciate the continued reads and reviews on this! Just a few notes, I've worked out a sequel to this story in my head. That being said, I've planted a few seeds for that in this chapter having to do with the contents of the deposit box. I've also gone back and revised the last entry Will wrote the night before he died that Alicia read in Chapter 11. There aren't many changes, but a few. Not that anyone would remember what that entry even said since I've taken so long to write this story, for which I do apologize. **

The air was bitter cold as Alicia walked towards the entrance to the bank, her fingers twisting around and around the small key inside her pocket. As she stepped inside, a warm breeze hit her face, taking the edge off her nervousness.

She stood patiently in line, observing the hustle and bustle of everyone around her. Only a few minutes after opening, and already three tellers were busy with short lines of people waiting for their turns. A few other bank workers sat at desks, with clients. It was odd to think that all of these people were likely here on business that would in some way aid, or impact their futures. Loans, check deposits, money withdrawals for future business or vacations. Yet, she was here to go back in time, to find something from her past.

The clerk asked for her ID, typed a few things into the computer and then led her to the vault where the safety deposit boxes were kept.

He showed her where hers could be found, and the small room where she could open it in privacy. She placed the key in the lock, and was surprised at the size of the box she found behind the small door, it was much larger than she had expected.

She placed the box on the table in the small room. Loosening her scarf and unbuttoning her coat, she stared at the metal box on the table in front of her. Flutters of excitement and nervousness filled her body. She still wondered if there would actually be anything there when she opened the lid, or if this had all been for not.

She sat at the table, and opened the lid. She brought her hand to her heart, and exhaled. It wasn't empty, but contained another box. This wrapped in brown paper tied with a string, and a note on top with her name on it.

She stared at it for a few moments. Suddenly this seemed like uncovering a ghost from the past, and she wondered if she really wanted to know what that box held. She shook her head feeling a bit ridiculous, and reached for the envelope with her name on it.

The handwriting was easily recognizable as Will's.

_Alicia, _

_If you're reading this, it means I'm gone, and that bad timing has shown its ugly face again. I don't know if I'll have a chance to tell you about this box, or its contents. I can't explain my reasons for leaving you here everything I have. Just know I want you to have these items, because it's important to me that you know how much our relationship means to me. _

_This box holds memories of some of the best moments I ever shared with you. I think you'll recognize everything, except for the sheet music at the bottom. I found it, and the recording I made of this song, last night as I was going through some things. I'm sure you'll recognize it when you hear it. What I never told you was that this song was one that I had written for you back in college. During a time when I found myself falling in love with you, but was to scared to admit it. _

_I hope that if we were at a good place in our relationship when I went away, this will help ease some of the grief you must be feeling. Grief I want you to know that I would feel if the tables were turned. Don't let my absence hold you back. The best way to honor my memory would be for you to move on and be happy. I've never wanted anything for you, other happiness. _

_Know that I will always love you from the very depths of my soul. _

_All my love, _

_Will_

She looked up from the note a bit misty eyed, and with a slight sense of confusion. The note contained no date. She had no way of knowing when he'd left this here. It was possible that whatever was in this box, he'd put here all those years back after their New York trip. But he hadn't mentioned in his journal entry there being several items he had placed in the deposit box. Still, the note warmed her heart some, knowing that whenever he had placed this here, he'd still loved her and wanted her to know it.

She decided she'd rather open this box from the safe, quiet, confines of her apartment. She pulled the brown paper covered box from its spot, and placed it in her bag.

She was nearing the bank entrance when she had a thought. She waited in line once again to talk to the clerk who had helped her before.

"Is there any way to know the date when my box was last accessed?" she asked the clerk.

"Yes, it would be on file."

"Would you mind checking for me please?"

The clerk nodded, glancing back at the computer screen. "The last logged date was March 5, of last year."

Her blood ran cold at the mention of the date. "Mrs. Florrick, are you okay?" The clerk became concerned at the pale color her skin had turned, and her seemingly non responsive manner.

"Are you sure?" she questioned, inhaling the air that now seemed too thick to breathe. Was it really possible Will had accessed the box the day he died?

He looked at the screen once again. "Yes, at 8:05 that morning, a few minutes after we would have opened."

"And the date before that one?"

"A few months earlier November 18, 2013."

She thanked the clerk, and headed back outside, grateful for the cold air that hit her lungs. November 18 had been just over a week before she and Cary left the firm. She knew this because November 26 of that year, would be a date she would never forget.

She took Diane's advice, deciding to work from home for a few days. Once home, she sat on the sofa, placing the box on her lap.

_Here goes nothing_, she thought as she slid the string from the box, and opened the lid.

She reached for a black velvet covered box first. Opening the lid she immediately recognized the simple, silver olive leaf pattern of the pennant at the center of the chain. The necklace was a perfect match to the bracelet he had given her in New York. This had to be the other item he'd decided against giving her that night.

A soft smile crossed her lips as she removed the chain from the box, and examined the piece of jewelry more closely. He had chosen well. It looked expensive, but was simple enough to wear to work, which had most likely been Will's intention. He'd been right in his thinking. She probably would have refused the gift as a set, thinking it was too much.

She reached for a baseball next. Twisting it around in her fingers she recognized it as her graduation gift to him. She remembered the night a few days before graduation where she'd given it to him. It had ended up being the last night they had spent together before Peter had come for graduation. Neither had realized the change in direction their lives would take after graduation, seeing each other only one more time a few months later. The last time for the next fifteen years.

_Finals were finally complete. Their college careers would be over in a few days time. Will had come to her apartment in the late afternoon to borrow some packing tape, or so was his excuse. He didn't seem to be in any hurry to get back to his place when he planted himself on her bed, and watched her pack her own things. _

_Nearly an hour later, he was still there. She was sitting next to him on the bed. They were deep in conversation just like usual, having no idea that it would be a very long time before they would talk like this again. She loved how he made himself at home at her place, sprawled across her bed, soda in one hand. _

"_I have something for you!" Her eyes gleamed as she reached over him, and opened the drawer of her desk. She handed him a neatly wrapped box, with accompanying card. "A graduation gift," she smiled brightly. _

"_Leesh, you didn't have to," he said, quietly as he removed the paper from around the box. _

_She smiled and rolled her eyes. "I did. Consider it an award for not flunking out after our first year like I thought you would the first time I laid eyes on you," she teased. _

_He pretended to stab himself in the heart. "Ouch, not even close. You do realize I'm graduating near the top of our class right?" he teased back. _

_She raised a brow to him. "Yes surprisingly, only two slots behind me."_

"_I'll never live that down will I?"_

"_No. You should have studied harder our first semester, and done a little less flirting." _

_They both laughed as he removed the lid from the box, and pulled out the baseball that held the Georgetown logo. He turned it over in his hand, the words "Plan B", were inscribed on the other side. He chuckled. He always told her if he didn't make it through law school, or decided he didn't like being a lawyer, baseball was his "plan B". Even if that meant coaching little league for the rest of his life, he'd have the best team in the country. _

_He tossed the ball into the air, and moved it between his fingers. Something he had done all the time when studying. He said it helped him concentrate. It used to drive her crazy, especially when he missed, and the ball landed in her lap. Eventually she got used to it. She could never figure out how moving a baseball between his fingers could help one concentrate, but it was uniquely him, something she loved about him. _

_Suddenly he stood, and grabbed her hand. "Come on," he said, pulling her to a standing position. _

"_Where are we going?" she questioned, as she followed him out of the apartment. _

"_You'll see." _

_He took her to the practice facility one last time. Someplace they had been numerous times over their years in law school. She'd always sat in the bleachers and watched him practice various pitches. He'd tried over and over to get her to try hitting balls with him. She always refused, telling him she wasn't any good at it. But on this particular night she agreed. _

_He stood behind her his arms around her showing her a proper stance, and exactly how to move her arms for a perfect swing. Granted he took it easy on her, but after about five pitches, she was able to get the bat right under the ball for a pretty decent hit. _

"_Home run!" she yelled with exuberance. He laughed out loud as he ran towards her from the pitching mound. _

_He reached her, placing his arms around her waist. "For beginners, hitting the ball just shy of second base can count as a home run." _

_That night they went for one last walk around campus. Took one last trip to their favorite bar for a drink, and shared one last kiss before falling asleep on the sofa in his apartment while watching a movie. And as per their usual late nights together, be it studying or hanging out together, he carried her half sleeping body to his bed so she'd get a decent nights sleep. _

She smiled twirling the ball between her fingers, shaking her head at the memory. They'd had some good times together back in college.

Setting the ball down, she pulled a t-shirt from the box. It was his, the one she wore all the time when she had been at his place. She brought the fabric close to her nose. It smelt like his clean laundry, with a hint of his cologne.

She picked up a small envelope that had been under the jewelry box. Inside was a photo she now remembered being taken, but had never seen. It was of the two of them in New York together. Will had asked their waiter to take a picture of them the night they had dressed up and gone out. She remembered now how she'd protested vehemently, but he wouldn't give it up, so she had finally given in. She had to admit it was a good picture of the two of them standing next to each other, all dressed up, his arms around her waist. She couldn't help but notice how happy they looked together.

Next was a large legal sized manila envelope. In it she found a stack of photos held together with a rubber band. There were photos from college. Photo's she recognized as being the ones she had looked through with him on one occasion during their affair. Thumbing through them, she paused when she came to the one with the two of them at the beach, his arm around her, their feet in the water. It had been his favorite.

She continued to thumb through the photos. There were a few that had been taken at Lockhart Gardner, at various office functions. She hadn't ever seen most of these. She and Will along with other office staff were pictured in each. It wasn't until this moment she realized the two of them had always ended up standing next to each other at office functions.

The last few images were the ones Will had taken of the two of them the summer morning before their boat outing. She had copies of a few of these, but there were a few shots of just her, smiling back at him, that she hadn't ever seen.

The last thing she pulled from the box was the sheet music he had mentioned in his note, and it's accompanying audio recording. The music had her name across the top as the title. Words were written above the notes of each staff. She wondered if she would recognize the tune like he thought she would. He'd played his guitar for her a few times during college, and a few times during their affair, but he'd never sung to her, just strummed out the notes.

As soon as she the first notes of the recording began to play, tears sprang from her eyes. She had no idea that this tune he'd played for her at various times when they were together had been a song he'd composed himself – just for her. The last time she'd heard the soothing melody had been the last night they had ever spent together as lovers.


	26. Beginnings of the End

The song Will had written for her seemed to play constantly in the back of her mind over the next several days, allowing her mind to escape briefly to a better time, than was the reality of her life at this point.

Grace had come home from her school trip, and Zach had joined her since it was spring break. She loved having home with her. They added strength and stability to her life. She was grateful they were turning into adults, moving on with their lives, but she would never tire of spending time with them. The two best things she'd ever done with her life.

She had intended to tell them about their sibling that would be coming into the world in a few short months, but Peter had called, and told her he though it would be better if they heard it from him. A point which she couldn't disagree with, and was quite frankly happy he seemed to be stepping up and taking responsibility for this one. He had come to her apartment to talk to the kids, knowing it would be better for them if Alicia were there.

Alicia watched from across the room as Peter told them what he'd done. Zach didn't look surprised. Grace had matured over the years, and didn't say much. That didn't mean a few tears hadn't escaped her eyes, but it almost seemed as if she were just resigning to the fact that this was reality now.

After the initial shock of learning they would have a sibling, and that the mother of the child wasn't their own, the excitement of the idea seemed to set in for Grace.

"So is the baby a boy or a girl?" Grace asked her father.

"I don't know. We wanted to be surprised at the birth." Peter leaned forward, seeming to relax some.

"I hope it's a girl," Grace said enthused. "A sister would be so much fun."

"I hope it's a boy," Zach added his own opinion, glancing over to his mother.

"Because you can teach him all about sports, and play ruff?" Peter questioned.

Alicia noticed almost immediately the strange look on Zach's face, when he glanced over to her again. "Yes, but that's not the main reason." He stood. "I actually have a paper I need to work on. I'm going to head over to UC, and make use of their library."

Alicia was surprised at the abrupt change, but Zach was in his room grabbing his jacket and backpack before she could ask what was wrong. He moved back into the living room headed for the front door.

"I'll see you Friday dad. Let me know what time for dinner."

Peter nodded, as Zach made his way out of the apartment. Peter had made plans for the kids to meet the mother of their step sibling Friday night. He left shortly after Zach, which gave Alicia some time to spend with Grace.

* * *

Zach returned late that night. Alicia had stayed up waiting for him. He seemed a bit surprised when she knocked on the door to his bedroom. She sat next to him on the bed. "Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, as good as can be expected."

"I'm sorry things are so crazy right now. I know this is not the way you would prefer to be spending your spring break."

"Mom, you don't need to be sorry. It's been a long time since I've been home, and none of this stuff with dad is that big a surprise."

He was so grown up now. It was hard for her to imagine that he would be working in the real world in just a few short years. _Where had the time gone_, she wondered?

"And how do you feel about the baby?" she wondered, after his quick exit earlier.

"I don't know. It's weird in some ways, but exciting in some ways."

"You seemed pretty set on wanting the baby to be a boy," she wanted to know why he'd said what he had earlier.

He looked away. "If it's a boy I won't have to worry as much about him getting hurt. I can show him how to respect women. Teach him that when he's in a relationship with a girl, he should respect the relationship. Teach him to be different from Dad and I." He looked back over to Alicia.

"What do you mean different from dad or yourself?" You are not like your father when it comes to women," she insisted.

"That may be true, but I've done some pretty stupid things with girls over the years."

"Everyone has their moments of stupidity in relationships," she continued.

"I know, I just don't want to have to watch someone else I love go through what you have with dad."

She could burst into tears at any second over Zach's concern for her. They'd had some tough, mother son moments, no doubt. One of the toughest was learning about the abortion with Nisa, and having to deal with that. But his quiet concern, and sense that he needed to watch out for her over the past few years, never ceased to touch her heart.

She smiled, and leaned closer placing a soft kiss to his forehead. "You're a good boy Zach," she looked him in the eye. "But I don't want you to worry about me, or Grace. We are all going to get through this."

"I know," he responded. She gave him one more hug, and then left him to go to bed.

* * *

The following night she and the kids watched Peter's resignation speech together from the quiet confines of her apartment. There was no way she was going to expose herself or the kids to the media for a few days. It would be a nightmare, she was sure of it. She felt for the woman who was carrying Peter's child, sure that she had no clue as to what would come. How she would be exposed, and have to see her face plastered all over the headlines.

She was admittedly still quite angry at Peter, but watching him on screen, and realizing his political career, and her marriage was over, she felt a bit saddened. Many years ago when the kids were young, and Peter was just starting his hand at politics, it had seemed so exciting. He had big aspirations. She was proud of him, thrilled to help support him. Many may have thought she had given up her career for Peter, but that wasn't how she'd viewed it. She'd wanted to stay home with kids while they were young, wanted to be there when they came home from school. She'd always figured once they were older she'd join Peter in some capacity working, or find work as an attorney at some small firm. But that wasn't the case now. In many ways if felt like everything was ending again. She almost laughed at the fact that she'd felt like everything was ending numerous times over the past six years. Quite frankly she was exhausted from all the drama, but hopefully after this, the drama would end. After this the media would have no reason to camp outside or call her home, or workplace itching to be the first to get a statement from her. She'd be a divorced woman, and wouldn't have to manage the chaos that sometimes came with being married to a politician.

She turned the television off after Peter was finished. A dull silence filled the room.

"Mom, are you still angry at dad?" Grace asked with concern in her every feature.

Alicia smiled, and put her arm around the two kids. "Yes, but I'm sure that anger will lessen over time." The kids were grown. There was no need to lie to them in an effort to protect them anymore.

"Well, I'm still a bit angry at him too," Grace confessed.

Alicia turned to her. "And that's okay. But I want you two to remember that despite what your father has done recently, and in the past, he still loves you. I know things are going to be different and difficult for some time to come. But I want you to try and keep a good relationship with him, and me. When your grandmother and grandfather divorced, I was very angry at your grandmother. I blamed it all on her. I let my anger ruin my relationship with her, which made things even more difficult when your grandfather passed away. I love her, and we get along now as best we can. I realize now that the divorce wasn't all her fault. Your grandmother will always be… well your grandmother, but if I had handled things differently all those years back, things might be different between us now."

Her lips turned slightly upward. "Your new brother or sister is going to need both of you in more ways than you can imagine. You are part of its family now, and in order for that to work you need to have a good relationship with your father."

"But we can still be mad for awhile right?"

Alicia chuckled. "Yes, but you need to be polite and handle the situation like adults on Friday when you meet this child's mother."

"Okay," the two agreed.

"I love both of you very much." Alicia embraced both of them. They sat together and watched a movie before heading to bed.

Once behind the closed door of her bedroom, she let out a sigh of relief she'd not realized she'd been holding in. The most difficult part of all of this was over, at least for the time being.

She thought maybe she should be in a pool of tears by now, her marriage ending had just been announced all across the state of Illinois. But she'd cried enough tears to fill a lake over the past week. Certainly at some point the fact that she would no longer be Mrs. Florrick would surely hit her, and then she'd dabble in what that really meant after nearly twenty years of marriage, but that wasn't tonight. She knew she and Peter would spend time together in the future, the kids' graduations, weddings, possibly becoming grandparents. It was even possible that months down the road when the hurt was less painful, she'd consider meeting him for dinner to catch up. But she knew that yesterday when he had been at her place, and they had all shared a few minutes of laughter, and peace together, that it had been the last time they would ever spend together as a family. Likely the last time he would ever spend any significant amount of time in her apartment.

As she dressed for bed, and cleaned the makeup from her face, her mind wandered back to the last night she'd spent with Will, the music of his song still playing in her mind. They hadn't known then it was to be their last night shared as lovers. Just one short week later Grace had gone missing, and the following day she'd broken things off between them. It would be a lie if she couldn't admit she now wondered what life would look like if she had continued with the relationship. Maybe it would have ended months later when he was suspended. She blamed herself for the suspension, even though he'd denied it out loud once, and just a few nights previous she had read his early thoughts of Peter coming after him. She understood Will never wanted her to feel guilty, or to blame herself for what had happened to him. But that didn't make it any easier.

_**November 7, 2011**_

_I think I may be in some trouble. Last week some SA's came to my office looking to get some information on one of our client's. A drug lord, whose legitimate business we represent. They seem to think the firm, that I in particular, would have information on this client that would help them build a case against him. They have all but threatened to expose something I did fifteen years ago that could lead to some discipline, possibly disbarment, by the Illinois disciplinary board. How they came across this information I would like to know, but I'm not blind. This is a witch hunt by the State's Attorney over my relationship with Alicia. Peter probably blames me for their separation._

_I confronted him a few days ago in an attempt to get a sense of where this was coming from. I pointed out to him that coming after me not only affects the firm, but ultimately Alicia. He didn't seem to care. I asked Alicia earlier today if Peter knew about us. She seemed to think he didn't know anything, at least not any of the particulars of our relationship. That may be true, but he's nonetheless suspicious in my opinion, and would probably love to see my career ended because he thinks it would have an effect on my relationship with Alicia. Which as far as I'm concerned, it won't. I don't even think she needs to know about this, not yet anyway. It will only hurt her, and make her upset. She'll blame herself, and it's not her fault. I don't for one second want her to think she's the cause of any trouble for me. Hopefully this will resolve itself quiet, and painlessly. _

She grabbed her laptop and climbed into bed. She wondered if he'd written about their last night together, and what he'd thought when she had broken things off between them.


	27. Commitment, The Fear Of

_**December 3, 2011**_

_Commitment. A few years ago if someone would have asked if I'd ever been in a committed relationship, I probably would have said no. Sure, I've been in some long term relationships, but I don't know that I could say I was "committed" to them. Being with Alicia is probably the closest I've come to a committed relationship, yet it's one of the most undefined of my life. There have been so many instances where being with her has seemed purely physical, sleeping with each other to relieve stress, or because this truly is an affair and it's fun to get away with it. It's a turn on to get a juicy email from her, or to look at each other at work and know what we've done behind closed doors. _

_But there is the other side of the relationship, the times where being with her just seems a natural part of life. Instances like these always seem to force me to imagine what it would be like if we had committed to each other back in college. Or what it would be like if she were to divorce Peter. _

_We had one of these moments about a week ago over the Thanksgiving weekend. Her kids were with Peter for a few days, and she and I ended up in the office working. Later in the afternoon she invited me over for the evening. When I showed up she'd reheated some leftovers from her Thanksgiving meal with the kids, and her brother. Things weren't much different from our usual overnight encounters, except that it was more relaxed. We didn't immediately hop into bed as soon as I got there. It was just as I would picture things if we were really a couple and we'd just come home from work together. Sharing a meal, talking, watching some television, and then making love to each other before falling asleep together. I have to admit, I like the way that feels. I like the ease of it. I liked waking up the next morning and crawling out of bed freezing because it had snowed the night before, and making her coffee before she ever woke up. I loved standing in the kitchen with my arm around her staring out the window at the new fallen snow, and how we didn't have anywhere we had to go. We were allowed to spend a quiet lazy morning together. I don't know what it was about those twenty hours we spent together, but for me it was near the top of the list for most memorable. _

_Now everything is in flux again, and all I want is to be allowed another few hours of calm like we had that day. Today I find myself craving the calm like a drug. Probably because I, no we, are going to be forced into making some decisions. _

_The State's attorney's investigation into me is quickly heating up. Diane confronted me this afternoon about the relationship I hold with Alicia. She was visited by Wendy Scott Carr, who Peter has placed in charge of my investigation, and the forty-five thousand dollars I took from a client's account near the beginning of my law career. I put all the money back a few days later, realized how stupid it was, but my past is catching up to me and there may be no way around it. _

_I don't know that this problem would go away if I broke things off with Alicia, it may make no difference. But that's why some decisions have to be made. I'm willing to commit to her, to us, if she's willing to do the same. Even if that means potentially ruining my career. It's time to find out what she really wants between us, because the next few months could be vey difficult for both of us if we stay together. _

_We should be getting a verdict tomorrow on a military case we are working on. Maybe we can talk afterwards. I'm admittedly worried, and stressed over a possible grand jury investigation. Settling things between Alicia and I, no matter the outcome, would in ways relieve some of my stress. _

Alicia looked up from her laptop, staring out into the dimly lit bedroom. Will had never brought any of this up, and they had been together the night after the verdict had come in on the drone military case. In fact that had been the last night she'd ever set foot in his apartment again. The last night she'd fallen asleep in his arms, their last night together.

_She'd just finished talking to Judge Kuhn, and was exiting the military facility. She was still shocked at the guilty verdict. How was it even possible? The judge had made some good counter arguments, but she still felt this was discrimination. The more she thought about it, the angrier she became. _

_Will had left the military facility thirty minutes before she had to get back to the office. As she got into her car he sent her a message. _

_Meet me for drinks at eight? _

_Yes, the usual place. _

_They sat at the bar commiserating over the loss, and other work issues, like the Danny Pike case that was making her edgy. They were both wound up tight, and had barely gotten one drink down when Will took her hand pulling her from the bar. _

"_Come on," he said, with a look of a man with a clear plan in mind. _

_She grabbed her purse and followed. "Where are we going?" _

"_My place," he responded, as they exited the building. _

_She arrived just minutes after he had. He pressed her up against the wall as soon as the door to the apartment closed behind her. She didn't mind the aggression he was showing with his lips hard pressed to hers, and the strong hands that had pinned her waist against the wall. She longed for the stress relief as much as he did, not knowing the investigation into him was likely the main cause of his stress. _

_Things moved quickly. They were both down to their underwear in what seemed like seconds when she wrapped her legs around his waist, and he carried her to the bedroom. It was aggressive, but gentle at the same time. He was craving her, but certainly didn't want to hurt her. Her mutual show of feelings matched his as hands and lips made their way to the others body with pointed intention. Just minutes later they both fell over the edge, landing in a heap of tangled limbs, and breathlessness. _

_His body still on top of hers, his head rested in the crook of her neck, he spoke up for the first time since they'd left the bar. "I'm sorry, that was so fast and aggressive." _

_She giggled a little. "Don't be sorry. I needed that too." _

_He lifted his head smiling, and looked at her before placing another soft kiss to her lips. He dressed in pajama bottoms and undershirt, she slipped on one of his shirts, and a pair of lounge pants she'd left at his place. The next few hours turned into exactly what he'd been longing for. They made their way to the kitchen. He pulled out some leftover pizza, and two bottles of beer from the refrigerator. He moved behind her placing his hands on her hips, and kissing her neck as she reached into the cupboard for some plates. A blissful sigh escaped her lips as he continued to press kisses to her neck. "Keep that up, and the pizza will never get eaten," she said, turning to face him again. _

"_I know," he kissed the top of her head, and took the plates from her turning his attention back to the pizza. _

_Sometime later, they both sat on the sofa. Her feet propped up on the coffee table listening to him strum a few songs on his guitar. "When did you learn to play?" she asked. _

"_Sometime during high school," he responded, continuing to strum a few notes. "My sisters and I were going to start a band," he mused with a grin. "We couldn't get along long enough to ever get serious about playing together." _

_She just nodded, leaning back closing her eyes as he played what she now knew had been her song. "That's my favorite," she commented when he'd finished playing, setting the guitar on the floor next to him. He only smiled, and turned to lay his head in her lap, looking up at her. _

"_This day ended much better than it began," he commented. She nodded as they continued to stare into each others eyes, a comfortable silence filling the room. It was at this point where he contemplated having the discussion about their relationship. But he was enjoying himself too much, and didn't want to ruin the moment. Instead, he took her hand and they headed for bed. She'd agreed to spend the night since the kids had called and said they were staying at Peter's. _

_They made love one more time that night. This time being much different from earlier in the evening. The pace was slow, taking their time to enjoy and pleasure each other. Almost as if they somehow knew it would be the last of these very intimate moments they would spend together. _

_They both lay awake for some time before drifting off to sleep, her nestled comfortably in his embrace. She left early the next morning so she could get ready for work. "See you at the office," she smiled, before placing a soft kiss to his lips and walking out of his apartment for the very last time. _

She'd been the one to break things off just a week after that night. She wondered now if things would have turned out differently if he had spoken up that night, and insisted they talk about their relationship.

"_Bad timing,"_ she muttered under her breath. However, she contemplated the idea that maybe bad timing wasn't the issue at all. Maybe it had actually been a fear of commitment from both of them at various times during their many years together. Fear of feeling, fear of saying what they actually thought. Fear is what holds one back, and keeps them from doing what they want, or are truly capable of.

She laughed out loud at the idea. She'd certainly had her reasons for never voicing her true feelings towards Will, but so had he. She wasn't the only one who was never brave enough to admit her affection for him because she was scared to death of all the consequences of doing so. She realized now he'd been scared out of his mind to voice his feelings, as much as she had been.

"Stupid," she said out loud. She had no qualms about sharing exactly what she thought with every other person in her life, including colleagues and clients. Yet, not once had she able to truly voice her feelings to Will. She'd barely even allowed herself to think about her feelings for Will while he'd been alive.

She vowed then and there to never fall into that trap again. If she ever loved again, she'd not make the same mistake. Better to place all your cards on the table, and suffer rejection, than to find out years later you'd truly been loved, and hadn't taken the opportunity for happiness when it was standing right in front of you.

It may have only been one week since her world had crumbled right in front of her again. But reading Will's thoughts over that week had brought on a new sense of determination.

Will had only written one more time in the year 2011. The entry had been made on a Sunday evening three days after Alicia's heartbreaking words, _"Will, I can't. It's too much." _

_**December 11, 2011**_

_So the saying by Alfred Lord Tennyson goes, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." That may be, but it doesn't make the loss any less painful. Alicia broke things off a few days ago. I'm still trying to process the emotions that have come along with that. At what point did I become an emotional person? _

_The day before the break up her daughter went missing, and was probably the final straw that made her reconsider our relationship. I can't imagine the agony Alicia went through during those hours before Grace was back safe in her mother's arms. I was worried sick for both Alicia and Grace, tried to call Alicia to see what I could do to help, but she never answered my calls. A few hours later I went to her apartment to check on her, thinking I could at least offer some comfort. I stepped off the elevator, and rounded the corner to the apartment, but stopped at the scene before me. Alicia, Grace, and Peter embraced in each others arms. I quickly left, not wanting to disturb the moment, relieved that at least Grace had made it home safely. _

Alicia looked up from the laptop briefly towards the door to her bedroom. She'd not known Will had come all the way to her apartment that day to check on her. It had been late that same night while she lay in bed, awake in the dark unable to sleep, holding a pillow close for comfort, where she'd made the difficult decision to end things with Will. She'd rationalized her decision at that time by telling herself it had been her lack of focus, and distraction from her children, as the ultimate cause for Grace running off. She had to get rid of some of the distractions so she could better focus on her children, be a better mother, she'd told herself. Will was the distraction she had to cut out.

She sighed shaking her head. She knew reading about the break up would be bittersweet. At the time, she thought breaking things off had been for the best. But maybe Owen had been right nearly two years later when he said she hadn't allowed her relationship with Will to last long enough for it to become a long term thing. She turned her attention back to Will's entry.

_When Alicia phoned from her office the next day, and said she wanted to talk, I'd intended to ask her what she wanted - expected, between us. Hoping vainly it would align with what I wanted. I'd planned to tell her how I felt right there at work, in my office. Admit that I loved her, and wanted to be with her. Tell her I was willing to fight through this mess that's blown up all around me, which she doesn't even know about, because of my feelings for her. I was a nervous wreck just moments before she entered my office. _

_But I never got the chance. She was nearly in tears as soon as she set foot inside the office door, and just like that she told me she couldn't do it anymore. That she was sorry… and that she'd miss me. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out, her in tears, and all I could do was embrace her for a few moments. Take in the closeness, and tell her it was alright, all the while trying to keep my own emotions under control._

_Diane saw the whole thing from her office, and assumed I'd been the one to break things off. "She'll get over it." Diane said, not long after, when she came to my office. Yes, Alicia will get over it. This was her decision, and better Diane believe it was me who broke things off. But I won't get over it. I'll move on, date other people at some point, but I will never get over Alicia. The past seven months have been some of the best of my life. I was given a glimpse into what life could be like with someone I truly love. Maybe some day down the road things will change. She'll divorce Peter. The kids will always be an important part of her life, but they'll be grown. She'll be a partner, and there will be fewer complications, fewer distractions._

_Until then, I'll shut down the emotions. It's the only way to deal with it, to just turn it completely off. I don't know for how long I can do that, but it's the only way to move on. The decision has been made. Tomorrow morning it will be business as usual, and we'll be back to being just colleagues. _

Alicia closed the laptop. Tears were running down her cheeks. She turned out the light, and buried herself under the bed coverings. She was glad to know his thoughts. Grateful to have his memories to hold onto, but she decided to put his strategy to use for the next little while. Shutting off her emotions seemed like the perfect strategy to get through some of the next few difficult things she would face. It would be a number of weeks before she'd open the Ms. Georgetown files again.

**A/N; Thank you all for reading and reviewing! A special thanks to Amynsieve, for the continued encouragement, and thoughts on this one! **


	28. Suspension

_**Three months later**_

Alicia sat at her desk, the late evening sun shining through the windows. She took a few minutes to look around the corner office space, enjoying the fact that it wasn't cluttered with paperwork for the first time in months. She felt like she could breathe again after months of what had seemed like holding her breath waiting for everything to come crashing down. But it hadn't. It had been difficult, many long nights with little sleep, endless phone calls she didn't want to take, along with public support and ridicule towards her, and her family.

It was over now. She wouldn't have to give any of this up, her work that is. There had been no connection made between her funds, and Pater's. A grand jury indicted Peter and his colleagues, so the case was moved to trial. She'd had to testify on Peter's behalf, which in the end she didn't mind. After she'd had a good look at the evidence against him and his so called colleagues, it was clear Peter was, for the most part, innocent. In the end, the ring leader of the group went to jail, and the other men involved, including Peter, had to pay some pretty steep fines, but serve no jail time. The fines would pretty much clean Peter out of all his savings, but no jail time was better for the kids, and his career. He'd never be able to run for political office again, but after a year suspension, he'd be able to get his law license back.

She sat back and smiled at a photo on a shelf near her desk. The image was of her, Cary, and Diane taken on the day they had moved into this office space seven months prior on Diane's demand that they could no longer work out of the warehouse. The cockroach had been Diane's last straw.

She owed Cary and Diane the world at this point, if anyone were keeping score. With everything that had been going on, her work productivity hadn't exactly been stellar over the past three months. Having won her case in court earlier in the day would certainly help in bringing in a nice sizeable sum to the firm, but she'd never be able to fully repay them for the emotional support and willingness to forgive her crazy schedule over the months.

She stood and moved in front of the window, peering out at the view of the city before her. She could finally say she was beginning to feel happy again. She was beginning to enjoy life again, instead of just getting by. A few weeks after everything had crumbled again on the anniversary of Will's death she took Diane's sound advice, and started seeing a therapist. The emotional and mental toll of her past six years had been enormous. _"Alicia, you had a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago. It's understandable, and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. But it might be time to stop fighting all of this on your own."_ Had been Diane's way of telling her she really should seek out a professional. Added to her past by the divorce, Peter's trial, and realization that she was still very much grieving over Will's death an entire year later, she decided Diane was right. The first few sessions of therapy were tense. But soon she found it liberating to talk to someone who wasn't involved in any aspect of her life, someone on the outside who was trained and could give her an unbiased opinion on things.

"When do you fly out?" Diane's voice came from across the room, bringing Alicia out of her thoughts. She turned and faced the older woman who'd become a close friend.

"Sunday night. I'll stay for a week or two, feel things out."

Diane smiled, and moved next her. "Why do I have a feeling this may have been your last case to win in Chicago?"

This caused a smile to cross Alicia's lips. "We're only going to do this if it makes sense. New York is a difficult market to break into. I'm just going to see if it seems feasible."

Diane looked at her with sincere eyes. "Yes, but I also know how good you are, and how much you want this. You have that same gleam in your eye Will did when he wanted to expand. If you don't come back with a handful of new clients I'll be surprised."

Alicia chuckled. "Well, if I do, it will only be because of your connections."

"Don't sell yourself short Alicia. You're list of connections get's longer every day. Now, I just need one last thing from you before you leave."

Alicia looked over to the document that had been sitting on her desk for two days. "It's not that I don't want to sign the divorce papers. It's just..."

"Alicia it's time. It's the only thing holding you back now." Diane spoke with a great deal of sincerity.

Alicia shook her head, moving back to her desk. Opening the pages of the document she signed her name to the last line on the final page, the only one she hadn't signed yet. She stared at it for a minute, before closing the document and holding it up for Diane. "There, it's done."

Diane took the document from her, nodding with approval. "Come on. I'll buy you a drink." She turned and headed for the door.

* * *

Her first few days in the city had been exhausting, but thrilling at the same time. She'd been able to meet with a few potential clients, and check out some options for office space. It was exhilarating in ways to be here on her own, working to start a new branch of her firm. _Her firm, _it still surprised her sometimes even nearly two years later.

She sat comfortably on the bed in her hotel room looking through some files on her laptop when she happened to glance at the Ms. Georgetown files. It had been a long time since she'd read any of Will's thoughts. Surprisingly, the idea of reading more of them didn't immediately bring a sense sadness to her. She thought it might be fun, after all this time, to read a bit more. If it got to be too much, she'd just stop reading.

She clicked on the file labeled 2012

_**February 7, 2012**_

_I'm scared to death that tomorrow everything I've worked for will be over, and I'll be headed for a trial that will surely land me in jail. I don't want to go to prison. I don't think I've ever feared so much in my life. _

_Kalinda and I have put a few things into motion that will hopefully prevent me from serving any jail time, but there is no guarantee. Judges and juries can change their position like a flip of a coin. Grand juries are ten times unreliable. _

_I hate putting my fate into the hands of an attorney, but I trust this lawyer I found on Alicia's recommendation. She's definitely different, but seems to have a knack for getting people out of sticky situations like the one I'm in right now. I will be getting little sleep tonight._

_**March 1, 2012**_

_The good news, I'm not going to jail. That's about where the good news ends. I've been suspended from practicing law for six months. Yesterday was my last day of work. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. _

_Surprisingly, it wasn't the grand jury investigation that landed me a suspension. I was found innocent by that jury. Although I'd be willing to bet it was a close call. The cards were certainly stacked against me, despite some of the things Kalinda and I put into play during the trial. If I had to guess, it was likely Alicia's testimony that came up last minute that ended up getting me off. Though I have no idea what questions she was asked, or her answers to those questions. I can only imagine they were more of the personal type than professional. _

_My suspension came about the following day, after someone reported my taking money from a client's account to the Illinois disciplinary board. I was given a choice, thanks I'm certain only to Diane, between taking a six month suspension, or face a board hearing for disbarment. _

_Nearly everyone I talked to was in the camp of fighting the disbarment. Forget the suspension. They all thought I should fight this. It was fifteen years ago, and not within the state of Illinois' legal jurisdiction anyway. _

_However, I was conflicted. If I didn't take the suspension I could be disbarred, and then what? I don't know how to do anything but be a lawyer. I've practically spent the past seventeen years of my life practicing law, and doing little else. What would I do if I wasn't a lawyer? _

_At some point it occurred to me that the only person who would actually listen, take my concerns under consideration, and give an opinion with more heart based on honesty, rather than protecting the firm or other self interests, was Alicia. I hadn't asked for her opinion, or told her about the grand jury, that was a mistake. The morning of the trial, she showed up at the courthouse looking extremely concerned, which led to both of us apologizing to the other. I wasn't going to let that happen again, which is why I asked her opinion on the suspension, really told her about it, which helped me make up my mind. _

_She feels guilty about the whole thing. I can tell from her voice, the way she looked at me with concern after that up until the yesterday when I left the office. That and she did try to apologize again at some point. I still don't blame her. This wasn't her fault. In fact I'm a bit worried about her now. Her case load just tripled with me leaving, and who knows what will happen around the office until things calm back down. At least I can still advise on work I did on cases before the suspension. That will help me keep one toe in the office in the coming months._

_Now what to do with the rest of my time? Sleep is first up on that list. Who knows, I may enjoy all the free time and decide to retire permanently from the law._

Alicia laughed out loud. The law had been a part of Will's DNA. He may have enjoyed having some leisure time, but she would have liked to have seen the day he took more than a day off work. She wondered when the last time he'd ever even taken a vacation had been. She shook her head. She couldn't recall a single time he'd talked about any vacation he'd been on since his excursion to Europe after law school. He'd worked hard to get to where he was, and for what? She now asked herself. "_We all work too hard_," she whispered. When she returned to Chicago she'd insist Diane and Cary both schedule some time off. Convince Diane she needed to finally take some time for a proper honeymoon. She would schedule a trip with the kids. Insist Zach come. This would be her last summer with Grace at home before she too went off to become an adult. Life was too short to work every breathing hour of the day. At any rate, the firm was doing fine now. Her partners had earned some time off.

_**March 9, 2012 **_

_I may have to take up drinking in the near future if I can't convince Aubrey and Sara to go home soon. They both showed up on my doorstep three days ago, and I can't take much more of them. Sara has rearranged nearly every room in my apartment, and that's not the worst of it. They talk constantly. I barely have a moments quiet to think, or watch a game. I have to admit it's been nice being home and able to watch as much of the college playoff games as I want. _

_On top of that, my sisters convinced I'm dating someone from work, Kalinda in particular._

Alicia laughed again. She couldn't even imagine Will and Kalinda together as a couple. It was still odd even knowing Cary and Kalinda dated on and off.

_I've had brief phone conversations with Alicia this week about the case she's working on, and every time I get off the phone my sisters give me a look. Say I've got my "sweet voice" on. So when Kalinda showed up this morning while I was in the shower, they pretty much interrogated her, assuming it had been her I'd been on the phone with all week. This afternoon they wanted to make a dinner reservation for the four of us so they could get to know her better. I shut that right down, but I have a feeling they are not going to let this go anytime soon. _

_I can't believe they think I talk differently when I'm on the phone with Alicia. That may have been the case a few months ago when we were... dating, but not now. It can't be any different from when I'm on the phone with Diane, or even them, right? _

_I can't convince them I'm not dating anyone, and that I don't want to be dating right now. I'm taking a break from everything, dating work, responsibility. I like not thinking, or worrying about things constantly. I pretty much do whatever I want. Well, I had been doing whatever I wanted for three days until they showed up. I've even started writing a book. I've got to come up with a way to get rid of them. _

_**March 19, 2012**_

_Two weeks is all it took, and now I'm going into the office nearly every day again. Diane seemed pleased when I showed up just a little over a week into my suspension. Office politics, got to love them. Apparently there are a few people in the office who would like to take over as Diane's partner, so that coupled with my sisters has convinced me to spend some of my off time at the office. _

_It's been interesting to sit back and watch what really goes on around the office without worrying about my own cases. People being shifted and moved into new positions to help cover my case load. Overhearing slivers of conversations around the office that I would have normally ignored. Watching Alicia hold it all together, while at the same time I can tell she's exhausted from the extra work Diane has piled up on her. Being pulled in ten different directions because she's still theoretically a liaison for Eli, David Lee still likes to pull her in on divorce cases, and Diane has her taking on extra criminal cases. I may need to keep an eye on that. _

_In ways it's nice to have someplace to go every day even if I'm not doing case work, and merely consulting on firm business. I don't feel so out of touch with the rest of the world. I really need to take up some sort of hobby. I never realized how work has honestly been my whole life. In a few months the weather is decent again, maybe I can get better at golf. Maybe I'll actually leave Chicago for a week for something other than a business trip. _

_**April 12, 2012**_

_I have missed sitting at work discussing trial strategy with Alicia, and I didn't realize how much I missed it until she came to my office today to discuss a theoretical client. I love bouncing ideas off her, and that she seems to trust my opinion, want my opinion. I have to admit that has been one of the most difficult things about not being together anymore, I miss the frequent opportunities to just talk with her. _

_Earlier in the day I had to stand up for her in a meeting. It seems Diane has taken one of our new associates under her wing, and is trying to mentor her up the food chain as quickly as possible. I could read the annoyance in Alicia's eyes during the meeting when Kaitlin had taken over the strategy discussion, and wasn't letting Alicia get a word in edge wise. Diane played right into it. _

_Things between Diane and Alicia have always been interesting. Alicia really surprised Diane with her knowledge and ability in the first few months after we hired her. I think Diane was expecting less from a stay at home mom who hadn't worked in thirteen years. Alicia proved her stereotype wrong. Diane began to see the potential in Alicia, and push her to do better. But once she began to think she saw a romantic connection between Alicia and myself, she backed down a bit, maybe because she saw the relationship as a threat to the firm. I try to remain neutral when it comes to the firm and Alicia, but there have been numerous times where I've sided with Diane, and had to protect Alicia at the same time, instances like today. I guess old habits never really die. _

_Alicia's very good at what she does with clients. She's getting better at playing the political game within the firm. I'm sure she'd be fine without me, but that will never prevent me from feeling a sense of protectiveness, or a need to defend her when I see fit. She doesn't need anyone to protect her, or stand up for her. But I guess ever since that day she walked back into my life, practically a single mother, looking for work, because her husband had broken their vows, I've felt a slight sense of responsibility for her. It sounds so sexist, saying it like that. Like I'm saying she needs a man to protect and take care of her. It's not like that. It's more like watching out for your best friend, covering their back when needed. It just means I care about her. I'll always care about her. _

Alicia got up and poured herself some wine. It was interesting to read his perspective of things during that time. A time when she had been so buried in work, and dealing with the separation and Peter's possible run for governor, she'd barely been able to think straight. Those months were a mere blur in her memory at this point.

He had written a few times after that during his suspension, stating his opinion on firm politics, and their money issues. He'd voiced a continued sense of concern for her. One entry that caught her attention had been near the end of the time of his suspension.

_**August 23, 2012**_

_Three weeks until my suspension is up. I can hardly wait. Not because I haven't enjoyed some free time in the past months, but things at the office are getting a bit out of control. Our finances are not looking good, and there is a swamp of work that needs to be done. It's difficult to sit on the side lines and not be able to get my hands into things that I know would be helpful for the firm. We are trying to hire a new associate right now. Diane wants to bring Cary back. I don't know how I feel about that. He's good, but I'd like to explore our other options first, considering my past with Cary and the grand jury hearing. _

_In regards to other topics, Alicia, which is really the only reason I ever feel a need to write in these files. She stood next to Peter tonight as he announced he was running for governor. I don't know where things are at between them these days. She and I hardly seem to have time to talk, and I doubt that she would tell me anyway. Things must be amicable enough that she's willing to support him for this run. But watching her facial expressions on screen tonight, I didn't get the sense that she was completely thrilled to be standing next to that podium. She smiled when he first took her hand, but the distant look of worry that followed just seconds later makes me wonder what she's really thinking. A point of frustration for me, because whether she really wants to become the first lady of Illinois, or commit to Peter again, became irrelevant with the announcement. She won't back away now. I know her, once she's made up her mind she sticks to it. And if that means supporting Peter through another campaign with a smile across her lips, even if it's not what she really wants, that's what she'll do. _

_I shouldn't be so critical. Maybe she and Peter have mended the fences, but somehow I get the sense it's not that easy. But if the decision's been made, it's been made. I just hope it really is what she wants. She'd make a fantastic first lady, even if she does dislike the formal events she'd have to attend, she'd have the means to push some of her own agenda. And if Peter wins it would certainly bring her, and the firm, a lot of new business. Actually Diane and I should think about making her a junior partner in another year's time. It would be earlier than most, but not out of the question. Only a year sooner than I made partner! She's certainly put in enough quality work over the years to justify it. She's good, one of our better, more competent associates. Another year and I think I could make a good argument for promoting her. _

_I just hope she's happy with the way things have gone, and that she doesn't feel like our time together was a mistake. I would never view it as such. _

Alicia sat back against the soft cushions of the sofa. She'd never viewed it as a mistake. She'd told him so when he'd asked after that awkward day where Peter had to come to the office to be deposed. Will had been right. She hadn't been completely convinced at that point she wanted to go through another campaign with Peter. She felt strongly he should run, but they hadn't completely mended the fences when his announcement for running had come out.

Something else she hadn't known at the time was that Will had been thinking about promoting her to partner months before she and many of the fourth years had been promoted in order to help with the firm's finances. If she'd known, maybe things wouldn't have been so heated when all of that came about. He'd really meant it when he'd told her she'd earned the partnership the day after they'd shared that angry kiss. The kiss that had turned her emotions upside down again and ultimately caused her to leave Lockhart Gardner.

She closed the laptop. With the reading of every entry she was getting closer to the fallout between she and Will. She wasn't certain she even wanted to read his thoughts from those few months before his very last entry had been made. Although, she was curious to know what he'd thought about that angry kiss, and the months following. She'd get to it another time, maybe on the weekend when she returned to Chicago. For now it was late, and she had work to do, a firm to grow. One thing she'd learned in past months, was that getting enough sleep was essential in her ability to hold everything together.


End file.
